If I was an undiagnosed teenage Aspie today
Not back in the 80’s before computers, but now.
Living it with all the same questions that I had back then, I would Google everything.
Google doesn’t laugh at me! Google doesn’t tease me! Google doesn’t shout at me! Google doesn’t tell me I’m a nuisance! Google doesn’t tell me to shut up! Google doesn’t tell me I’m an idiot! Google is my friend!
I am 42 years old now, nearly 43 actually
It will be my Birthday in 2 weeks time, also the 2nd anniversary of my accidental blog creation. That’s right, I never ever would have started a blog by choice. If it hadn’t have been for the love, acceptance, encouragement, support and prayers of my closest friend I never would have continued or shared who I really am.
I have many friends in bloggyland now, they have all helped and inspired me to find me again. To take Lisa out of the box. To say, stuff society and it’s unwritten rules I’m just being me! To turn all those hurts into creativity and share the positives from all my negatives.
The subject of friendship is something I have had to grow through
I feel that I need to share, I know the time is right and I am now secure in who I am as an adult female Aspie. I also feel secure in the close friendships that I have. But this is a new thing for me, as those who truly know me know all too well.
I KNOW there are young girls/women out there undiagnosed and feeling alone and that breaks my heart. I thought of many questions that I sat and asked God because I needed answers but no one seemed to have any.
Just a few questions from my teens
Why does no one like me God?
Why is everyone nasty to me?
Why does no one want me to join in?
I hate being me, why am I like this?
I feel so alone, when can I have a friend?
Why do all my friends go off with other people?
What do I do wrong?
Why do people laugh at me?
Why don’t I understand?
What is wrong with me?
I have been pondering on differences
Over the last few weeks I have been really enjoying going to a jewellery making class. I was able to sit confidently and chat over coffee with women my age while making jewellery. This was not my comfort zone, it was in a school not a church. 🙂
I realised on the 2nd week something about me that has affected my whole life. I also had a way of coping, not feeling all those questions nagging away inside, or allowing the negative voice in my head to cause anxiety.
Guess what? I REALLY enjoyed the course.
I can only really cope talking to one person at a time.
It’s simple really, I go into complete sensory overload and actual panic from being in a group. The first week I went to this class the teacher was already there and the class was quiet, the conversations were about the jewellery and people were being polite. I instantly felt at home and totally enjoyed being there and chatted quite happily with everyone.
The second week I got there early
It was all the same people and I was excited because I had got on well with them the week before. The teacher wasn’t there when I arrived and everyone was loud and there was no structure at all. The conversations seemed angry and I wanted to go home. I felt fearful, I instantly became tense in my body and I felt the need to be away from the noise.
I didn’t go home, I recognised that this is who I am. I knew it was a sensory difficulty and a lack of social skills and that I could join in once it was all calm. I made an excuse, left the class and came back once the teacher was there. I feel very pleased about this because now I know that I can make friends, I just have a different way of doing this.
As a child I desperately wanted friends
Don’t get me wrong I do love my alone time too, but there were times I really wanted to share.
As a small child I did have friends, my Mom had friends who had daughters my age and I was able to play and be happy. My Mom was neurotypical (NT) and she was always visiting people. Things changed for me when I got to school age and was thrown into a system that scared me and bored me.
Being part of a team, group, gang never worked for me. It was impossible from the start. At school there was always pressure to be in groups, it made me feel a complete failure.
I can only process one conversation at a time.
People actually do like me, in fact I have friends that love me and accept me for who I am with all my quirkiness. I have beautiful friends who explain things to me and have the patience to want to understand my ways. But to find these friends I had to first start being me, the real me. I had to be brave and take off the mask, I had learned to be a very good actress over the years. But not being the real me made me feel a fake and that has caused hurt deep within.
A lovely bloggy friend said to me in a comment.
“Bravery is defined as doing that which we are afraid to do. You are a brave person.” ~Tilly Bud
I don’t feel brave but every time I open up and share something deep I know I will loop. I know I may shutdown, I know I will feel exposed and fear rejection. So I guess I am brave because I push through the fear and share because I want people to know. I want Aspie children to be accepted and loved for who they are and not pushed to be who they are not.
I want that young girl who sits in her bedroom all alone staring through the window at the kids playing down the street to know this.
Sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with you, you do belong, you can have friends, you are not a freak or an alien. You are amazingly unique, beautiful in design, wonderfully wired and so very precious. You are not alone.
The following are my thoughts from yesterday,
they are what I prayed on and what helped me to share today.
Do I comment?
Did you walk through the trees?
Searching for the imaginary friends
That this world had taken from you
Did you call out their names?
Thinking they would return
They had gone to safety in the woods
Did you sit alone on a swing?
Praying for a friend
Who accepted you for you
The one you never had to hide from
Did you stare at the moon?
Ask if your friend would come soon
Then smile as you heard
A whisper inside saying,
“Yes my precious child be patient,
they are looking at the moon and waiting just like you are.”
“The worst feeling isn’t being lonely.
It’s being forgotten by someone you could never forget.”
How true this is we love and give our hearts
They become part of us
We have no other way
We can’t switch people off
We can choose to live in love or not
But how amazing it is
When who we are is accepted and loved
What we give from our hearts
Is received, not rejected
Those gifts of friendship from God
Make all those prayers worthwhile
Little glimpses of heaven
Inside those special friends
That God handpicked for each of us.
Thoughts inspired from a comment I left on this post,