Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
I was reminded of a post I wrote back in October 2010. I wasn’t going to repost it but it just won’t leave my head. I wrote this post while having counselling. I was still processing my realisation of being an Aspie and how not knowing why I felt so different as a child had hurt me so badly.
I am only sharing this because usually when something is looping in my head there is a reason for it. Also it will keep looping unless I do share it. 🙂
Love and hugs.
Lisa. xx 🙂
This photo was taken at a family party when I was 15. I wanted to go home, no-one was speaking to me and I felt really alone. The music was NOT to my liking and was actually hurting my head. My brother took the photo, I was not aware he had taken it. He had a thing for photography.
I have decided to do something different today.
I was thinking about my Teen years and how hard they were. Trying to fit in with everyone else but constantly feeling like no-one liked me.
I learnt how to giggle when the other girls did, even if I didn’t know what I was giggling about. I learnt how to not be noticed. I also learnt that if I hung around with the bullies, I sort of had protection. I was their look out and a source of cigarette money.
At least I felt I belonged though…..to a degree!
School was a nightmare, I had stomach problems every Monday morning at the thought of another week there. I couldn’t read and that was a wonderful opportunity for everyone to taunt .
The subjects I was good at, I wasn’t allowed to take as my options. I had constant board rubbers and bits of chalk thrown at my head for daydreaming.
The only time I was happy at school was in my Art lessons, where I had a wonderful Teacher, who allowed me to be me. Shame I only got 2 hours of Art a week.
At the age of 11, I started to isolate myself in my bedroom. I was happy most of the time at home but my bedroom became my comfort zone. I spent far too long on my own, thinking back now. I had far too much time to think and obsess and hurt myself in many ways.
I couldn’t express how I felt and I couldn’t lose myself in a book, like my friend did. I spent a lot of time sewing and listening to music.
So…. I revisited 1985 in prayer today and tapped into my 15 year old self, and we wrote a poem.
My 15 year old self
I wish I knew just what goes on
In a neurotypical mind
‘Cause my mind goes at sonic speed
But answers I seldom find
To all my many questions
They seem to bother me
And…all the different social rules
I never seem to see
The faces they all seem to change
A smile can be confusing
When I smile back I get a glare
It’s only ‘ME’ they’re abusing
Look at the floor that way I’m safe
From all the angry eyes
I miss so much by trying to hide
But at least it stops my cries
The pain is brief, I’m given relief
Isolation takes it’s hold
Sat in my room all alone
Feeling safe but growing cold