My 15 year old self (Repost)

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I was reminded of a post I wrote back in October 2010. I wasn’t going to repost it but it just won’t leave my head. I wrote this post while having counselling. I was still processing my realisation of being an Aspie and how not knowing why I felt so different as a child had hurt me so badly.

I am only sharing this because usually when something is looping in my head there is a reason for it. Also it will keep looping unless I do share it. 🙂

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Alienhippy age 15

This photo was taken at a family party when I was 15. I wanted to go home, no-one was speaking to me and I felt really alone. The music was NOT to my liking and was actually hurting my head. My brother took the photo, I was not aware he had taken it. He had a thing for photography.

I have decided to do something different today.

I was thinking about my Teen years and how hard they were. Trying to fit in with everyone else but constantly feeling like no-one liked me.

I learnt how to giggle when the other girls did, even if I didn’t know what I was giggling about. I learnt how to not be noticed. I also learnt that if I hung around with the bullies, I sort of had protection. I was their look out and a source of cigarette money.

At least I felt I belonged though…..to a degree!

School was a nightmare, I had stomach problems every Monday morning at the thought of another week there. I couldn’t read and that was a wonderful opportunity for everyone to taunt .

The subjects I was good at, I wasn’t allowed to take as my options. I had constant board rubbers and bits of chalk thrown at my head for daydreaming.

The only time I was happy at school was in my Art lessons, where I had a wonderful Teacher, who allowed me to be me. Shame I only got 2 hours of Art a week.

At the age of 11, I started to isolate myself in my bedroom. I was happy most of the time at home but my bedroom became my comfort zone. I spent far too long on my own, thinking back now. I had far too much time to think and obsess and hurt myself in many ways.

I couldn’t express how I felt and I couldn’t lose myself in a book, like my friend did. I spent a lot of time sewing and listening to music.

So…. I revisited 1985 in prayer today and tapped into my 15 year old self, and we wrote a poem.

My 15 year old self

by Alienhippy

I wish I knew just what goes on

In a neurotypical mind

‘Cause my mind goes at sonic speed

But answers I seldom find

To all my many questions

They seem to bother me

And…all the different social rules

I never seem to see

The faces they all seem to change

A smile can be confusing

When I smile back I get a glare

It’s only ‘ME’ they’re abusing

Look at the floor that way I’m safe

From all the angry eyes

I miss so much by trying to hide

But at least it stops my cries

The pain is brief, I’m given relief

Isolation takes it’s hold

Sat in my room all alone

Feeling safe but growing cold

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25 thoughts on “My 15 year old self (Repost)

  1. love your poem…really do…i can relate…that was me too when i was in my teens…and as a kid, i was always lost in books…i found comfort in my bedroom just reading…thanks for sharing 🙂

  2. I really enjoyed your post. Your picture speaks a thousand words to me. Such a shame. You were such a pretty girl. I know what it’s like to be a provider of things for friendship. That would describe amost all of my school years. Even college I suppose. To be honest, I still give alot to my friends. Trying to tone that down. I want to be genuinely liked and not just used. I really love the way you write. I can relate to so much of it. Thank both you and your 15 year old self for writing such a lovely poem.

    • Thank you Jackie,
      I loved reading your comment it was like reading my own words.
      It was very healing for me to go back in prayer and help teen me to express.
      Writing poetry helps me so much.
      I find that it’s the only wat I can communicate sometimes.
      I find I can rhyme most of the time.
      Love and hugs my friend. xx 🙂

  3. Oh, Lees!

    I can relate so much. I have many photos of me like that as a teenager, or the fake ones where I am pretending to be a giggly girl. (I really am a giggly girl, but not the kind I was pretending to be.)

    Wonderful poem! Painful-truthful-healing-freeing. That is what I read and felt with you in your words.

    Love you!!
    Angel

  4. I really like your post and can relate to your teenage situation (except for dyslexia) and family party situation in the photo. I was 14 in 1985 and had a hard time trying to work out the meaning of life & school as my peers changed during the teenage years and moved into an alien world of parties & fashion & boyfriends which never got to make any sense. Thank you for your touching post.

    • Thank you Mados, I know just what you are saying.
      I remember all my “friends” just being into fashion and boys.
      I still wanted to go paddling in the brook and roller skating down the street.
      I still do actually…it’s much more fun than keeping up with the trends.
      The teens were hard, I thank God for my Atari and an excess of Meatloaf.
      Love and hugs my friend. xx 🙂

  5. Love your poem. To be honest this was no different to me at 15 and later on. I pretended to be a round peg in a round hole to fit in with people, when I knew I was a square peg. I used to go and buy records and get lost in music. Love you xxxx

    • Thank you Auntie Linda, I still say that there is a big similarity between the traits of ASD and the symptoms of PTSD…what you wrote make much sense.
      Love you too. xxx 🙂

  6. I hasten to add that music and performing is still an outlet for me but it is one I do for the enjoyment of myself and others now. God left me extra longer in the Sense of Humour Queue and I thank him for that xxxx

    • Just for you Auntie Linda.
      I was going to use the Lumberjack song as I remember you getting me to sing and act it out as a kid, but the videos were crappy. Or there is Alexader Beetle and my Melanie performance. Or one of the many from the Land of Point. My fair lady or the sound of music
      But I do love this video from Monty Python.
      Thank you for being you in all your eccentric nuttiness.
      Love you. xxx 🙂

  7. Hello lovely Lisa! 🙂
    It hurts to hear of the pain you went through. I’m glad you have gained so much insight into it all now.
    I could so relate to this post. It brought back many memories.
    My best subject was art, but boys weren’t allowed to take art in High School where I lived in the late 1950’s. So here I am at 67 years of age, trying to catch up on the life I could have had if things had been different! Oh well, at least I now know the “why” of it all, and I am having fun! 🙂
    Love and hugs,
    Bruce 🙂

    • Hello lovely Bruce, I am so glad you are having fun.
      You know Bruce everytime you comment on my blog I remember when you asked me if you could print out my logo. That seems so long ago now doesn’t it.
      We have lived it my friend and what we share is Aspie history, not text book style but really gritty life. It’s ups and downs. We all make a difference. Love who you are, you are so kind and inspiring. Let’s keep being Aspie-happy, multi coloured Rainbows and turning that negativity upside down.
      Love and hugs my friend. xxx 🙂
      Hey, I’m into videos today so here is one for you my friend.

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