Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
The following quote has helped me to pull some of my thoughts together, after my Bible study in John 4 this morning. I have what I think will be about three posts that are looping around in my head at the moment. I decided to try to focus this post on misunderstanding or lack of understanding of self. I think for Autism Awareness month this is a very important step for me to be finally seeing and learning about so I can apply it to my future, and also help my children.
Here is the quote
“The feeling of dejection is when we abdicate and assault our own self-worth the moment we face rejection. It is the most uncharitable act we can do to ourselves.”
– by Dodinsky (www.dodinsky.com)
All my life I have felt different and not understood why. I have felt pushed out, rejected, isolated, bullied, abused, used. A lot of these experiences have actually happened, they are not just feelings. I have survived the nastiness and selfishness of some cruel people. God gave me what I needed to get through and learn to forgive, Jesus has always been my friend when I have turned to Him.
However because of a pattern, fear of change and lack of understanding of my own difficulties, there are also occasions where I believe I have gone into self protection, self preservation (fight or flight depending on my confidence level) When really it was just a matter of I needed help to understand from a different perspective.
I read a little about Executive Functioning
I hadn’t even thought about this or how it has affected my relationships over the years. I’m impulsive, passionate, an ideas person, over excitable, a go-getter…or as my family lovingly puts it, I’m a bottle of fizzy pop.
I read the following a few days ago and the penny dropped
Kids on the spectrum often have poor “executive function” which leaves them with weak impulse control and problems regulating their emotions. For these children, their brains have difficulty inhibiting impulses, so they frequently react immediately with little forethought (they act before thinking). Consequently, they often over-react, then feel badly for responding so strongly. Also, they act without thinking, then have to suffer the consequences for doing so. Discipline is only effective if it “teaches” the child, not just punishes the child. Punishing a child, when the child doesn’t have good ability to “stop, think, then act”, can result in greater hostility and anger, escalating the problem further. For children with these weaknesses it can be good to give the child a chance to interrupt and control their behaviour before implementing consequences.
This is a link to the rest of the discussion.
What I pondered and prayed on this morning
John 4:23-24 (The Message)
“It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That’s the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration.”
I have grown up in the Christian faith
I love God and I love my relationship with Jesus, but religion, tradition, legalism and what that has meant to me has not helped me to connect with God or accept myself. It has not helped me to find peace with who I am, in fact it has at times made me feel that I am a total wretch. I know how to wear the plastic smile, and act like I’m high on God. It is totally draining and not true worship. I do love going to church, I love singing to God, I love being part of the family of believers. However I absorb everything and every challenge I take personally because I simply cannot filter or process correctly.
Look at this last verse again.
Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration.
I don’t choose to have meltdowns or shutdowns
They really are an inconvenience and believe me if I could stop them I would. I can however take myself to my quiet place, I can hold it all in for quite some time before my fizzy pop cork pops out. I have learned lately that I can take my meltdowns and shutdowns to God.
Guilt is not of God, people have given me guilt
I am who I am and I am created this way because God loves me this way. My spirit worships God in all my quirky aspieness, that is my spirit and my truth. I take who I am to God, I have learned that for me doing the deeds is not about all the wonderful things I can do to serve the church and community. It’s about me connecting with God and accepting I am Autistic, sharing my story, loving, helping, serving and being merciful to those God brings to me. God loves me just the way I am and I need to love me just the way I am too. God’s love is growing me from the inside. For me to live my life to the full, I need to be me to the full. My shutdowns are times of extremely deep thought and connection when I involve God. My meltdowns are times of being real, open, honest, pure raw emotion…sometimes very confused and wrong, but getting it out in prayer then bringing it to praise. This in time becomes inner peace and a time to wait and be still for His redirection.
As for all those failed relationships and absent friends
Both lessons and blessings…Those who didn’t get to know me, or didn’t have the time to accept me have gone, but they have made room for new and wonderful friendships with people who love me just the way I am. I thank God for the friends I have and the friends I have yet to meet.
Love and hugs my friends.
Lisa. xx 🙂