Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
I wrote this post this morning, I wasn’t feeling my Aspie-happy self but decided to try and write some of the crap out. It works you know because I feel so much better now. I’ll tell you where I have been hiding over the last few days. I had been feeling totally overwhelmed with the whole computer thing. I had not wanted to blog, use my fb or twitter and not really understood why. I could feel myself going back into my shell and I’ve been fighting it tooth and nail.
It wasn’t a shutdown as such, it was a series of them.
I mean literally, just as I came out of one I went into another. It was bloody horrible people let me tell you. A couple of times I opened my blog and was about to make it private. I had the urge to deactivate fb and twitter and just go off to my garden and start digging holes for myself. I have this idea of building the perfect Koi pond one day. I love fishes and running water and the beauty of water plants. I have dug so many holes in the past and then had to fill them back in because I couldn’t afford the pond liner or the filter system.
Fear…Exposure anxiety and it gave me complete head-mess.
It came on after reaching out in friendship to people in groups on facebook. These were other Aspies in Aspie groups and I’m sure are lovely people, but I am so very bad at the whole group chat thing.
Let me explain just a little bit more.
I’m an Aspie and I feel a connection with other Aspies. I am dyslexic and know I don’t always read things correctly. I talk my own Lisa Lingo and not everyone understands this. I’m a Christian and share my faith, it’s ups and downs when I feel the spirit move. I know I seem quite aloof and can say inappropriate things, most of the time without realising until my loops start up.
I’m only human and go into complete panic about my words.
I spent quite some time visiting the groups I am in and deleting all my comments . This helped but then my anxiety shifted onto my blog, also comments I have left ALL OVER bloggyland. I wanted to disappear, I was imagining all sort of crap and thinking in a paranoid way. I do this sometimes. I name these loops my “Frantic thought Loop” and my “Mental Martha.”
I don’t know the medical names of my traits
I find it very hard to understand that other people don’t think, feel or see things in the same way I do. Being Autistic, dyslexic and maybe a little ADHD too is just who I am and it’s never really been dissected before. I just thought that it was persecution from being a Christian that made me weird. I hadn’t really understood that I was different from others. Only after being my true self, taking off the mask in a church family. (A church family who has known me for years.) Then feeling rejected, feeling I was expected to perform, told I had “This and That” syndrome, did I understand that it’s not to do with my faith, it’s also to do with me, how I’m wired and how some people want me to conform.
Jesus had 12 close relationships.
He had 12 close friends, He had 3 very close friendships. Jesus had many followers but he found His truth while praying alone. Aloneness is not the same as loneliness and we all need to find our strength in who we are in the solitude. Jesus didn’t perform, He went into churches and He pointed out the truth, He walked, talked, sang, played and enjoyed being Himself to the full. He trusted in God’s will for His life, death and resurrection.
I never would have started a blog, I never would have opened up and shared who I am without the God given friendships I now have in my life. I thank God every day for these friendships.
What happened to me is this…
I tried to fill a void by trying to find myself a lot of friends.
By trying to be accepted in worldly standards. I tried to conform again, I tried to fit. I don’t need a lot of friends, just true friendship and it made me feel quite ill to put the mask back on. I know the people that God brings to me I feel a connection that can only be from God. I just need to learn to trust this and stop filling gaps with noisy head-mess. I need to fill gaps with God, with being kind to me and my brain, with encouraging and building up those I love. I also need to fill my gaps with deeper prayer. I’m on a journey and still seeking my inner-Shirley. The little girl I once was before this world chipped away at me making me feel I was wrong.
My friend Richard shared this post the other day.
This post spoke so loudly to me, I felt it was so inspired. I’m still pondering on this post it is still working in me and I know God will reveal in the right time why this post and it’s message means so very much to me.
Here is a small part of the post.
Jesus was only 12 years old, but He understood why He was here.
Luke 2 tells how Mary and Joseph took Jesus to Jerusalem for the Passover and on the way home realized Jesus was missing. All the fears of parents who can’t find their child rose in their hearts. They turned around and headed back to Jerusalem where they found Him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, both listening to them and asking them questions” (Luke 2:46).
At the end of this post Richard asks this…
It all comes down to understanding your purpose in life. Why are you here? Is it because He has a plan and purpose for you to fulfil or is it so you can schedule your service to Him at your own convenience? A tough decision that changes your life.
As someone on the spectrum I have lived a life of aloneness
Jesus has always been my one true constant, I don’t understand my worldly purpose to life here on this planet. I have failed and been rejected at most things I have committed my heart and purpose to. But I do know that seeking and knowing who I truly am in Christ, and living life to the full is my God given purpose. Understanding, accepting and receiving the unconditional love of God, His grace and His mercy. Also sharing what God gives me to share with those He makes known to me. Which is NOT confusing, it is NOT hard and is very much a part of who I am.
My Autism is a gift because it takes me to a place of calm, calm always comes after a storm. My dyslexia is a gift, it acts as a filter to stop me from absorbing too much of what I cannot process or understand. My traits of ADHD are a gift, they give me excitement, a fighting spirit and a need to find connection. I don’t need to dissect me anymore, I understand I am Wonderfully Wired and I am loved and accepted for who I am.
I won’t be making my blog private, or going back into my shell. I may still go and dig a hole, but not a pit. I intend to fill that hole with beautiful fishes and wonderful water plants.
Fear is not of God and neither is confusion.
Love and hugs.
Lisa. xx 🙂