Planting light for my tomorrows

Image from Secret Garden

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Have you ever had a dream that you planned to perfection and then the person you shared this dream with left your life? It may have been through death or for reasons you don’t understand. Or you may understand but feel helpless because it is out of your hands. Grieving (In all forms) is a strange thing, we can go on fine for days, weeks, months and then something happens that knocks the wind out your sails.

Quote from Secret Gardens

β€œPerhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.”  ~ Alex Tan

Most of you know about my “Coffee Quote time”

If you are new to my blog this is the time in my day when I read through all the new quotes added to the Facebook pages I follow while having my Coffee. It’s a little bit of me time that positively fuels me with inspired words, beautiful images and caffeine. πŸ™‚

I share a few of the gems I find with those who follow me on Facebook.

I read a quote yesterday that brought me to tears

I tried to find it this morning but I can’t remember where it was. I can’t remember the page I found it on or the image it was displayed with. It went something like this though.

“Planting a garden is having hope for your tomorrows!”

I planned my garden with my Mom, she was my best friend.

She was very ill the last 3 years of her life and she was in a wheel chair. She was only 55 years old when she died. It was losing Mom that shed light on how much my Dad struggles to fit in this world without her. Mom had always been his words and his safe place, before he met Mom my Nan was this for him and for his identical twin. The word Autism had never been part of our vocabulary. Dad was shy, quiet and not very good at socialising. My Mom was NT and she bridged the gap for all of us. Me and my sister learned to imitate her, we can both pull off “normal” when we have to. Mom loved and accepted us and she always made things better.

The house we grew up in didn’t have much of a garden

The land around the house was used by my Dad for car repairs and all the inventing, building and constructing he would do. He had a little sail boat, motor bikes and a WHOLE LOAD of camping stuff stored out there too. He’s very good at fixing things and collecting things is my Dad.

My Great Grandparents lived only a 10 minute walk from us in a lovely little bungalow surrounded with garden. Very often me and my Mom would go and sit in their lovely garden, in the shade of an oak tree, on an old bench. It’s a lovely memory of a beautiful garden with beautiful people.

I have been avoiding my garden for over 7 years

The truth is I love gardening, I’m not an expert but I love planting and seeing things grow. When I was homeless I missed my garden more than my home. My garden was a place of calm, peace, hope and dreams. A place where I could be me and digging helped me release emotions I never understood. It has been kept nice by my hubby while I have not been able to deal with feelings connected with it. My dogs enjoy a run around on the grass and my kids have a trampoline. We have BBQ’s in the summer and eat out there on warm days. It’s a place to dry my washing and listen to the birds. But…every time I try to get back into my passion, every time I pick up my tools or put my hands in the soil I have the same video clip running in my head.

I’ll share it with you…

Mom is sitting in her wheelchair under my Cherry tree. She is smiling at my kids, they are playing with the chickens and collecting bugs in containers. *AJ is constantly shouting, *NANNY! LOOK I GOT ANOTHER BUG!” *CAL is collecting bit’s of grass and cabbage leaves in a little Barbie bucket and popping them into the chicken run. I’m pruning and chatting nonstop. Mom was used to my nonstop chatter and knew just what to do. I could never tell if she was listening or if she had turned off her hearing aid. πŸ™‚

“See this frame I have built Mom, it’s going to be a gazebo and I’m going to put a bench in it for you. This half I’m going to turn into an outdoor aviary and I’m going to get a pair of doves, to go with the Budgies and the Cockatiels. You like doves don’t you Mom? On this side I’m going to plant you a rose garden and over there I’m going to plant you a herb garden, then when the breeze blows into your gazebo you will have beautiful smells. I can hang some wind chimes up there too. You’d like that wouldn’t you Mom? The vegetable patch is looking good now isn’t it? The chickens keep trying to get in and nick the cabbages…hehe. Perhaps I should fence off the veggie patch, or maybe I could move the chickens further down and then they could have the bottom part of the garden. What do you think Mom? Do you think they would be ok under the trees down there?”

She smiled and said,

“I loved Grandad Charlie’s rose garden and I love sitting in your garden. Doves would be lovely!”

I want to create what I planned

I know it was my dream but I so wanted to share it with my Mom, give her the garden she never had at home. I wanted to sit in the gazebo on that bench like we did when I was a little girl. I wanted to smell the roses in the breeze with her, just like we did in Grandad Charlie’s rose garden. I wanted to listen to the wind chimes and the cooing of the doves and see her smiling at me. She was only 19 years older than me.

I am crying writing this, it’s hard to move forward.

BUT… I know that tears bring healing and even though I don’t like the pain of crying I’m not afraid of tears anymore. They release what I can’t understand or what I can’t express and God uses them to wash away darkness making room to bring in new light.

My Mom would want me to have my dream garden

She knew how much I loved gardening. She saw how much I needed to be with nature and animals. She wouldn’t want me to have a memorial garden. She would want me to have a garden of hope, of dreams, of peace and of prayer. A place to plant my seeds and watch them grow.

Image found on Just Feeling Good

Planting light for my tomorrows

by Alienhippy

I learn to see the needs around me

And to share my heart with those I love

I’mΒ  planting light for new beginnings

And sharing tears with God above

~

I know this journey won’t be easy

But adventures often do bear scars

God gives me freedom, if I receive it

Or I can stay behind these bars

~

My tears can water pretty flowers

Step out in faith and watch God mould

Walk new paths and create new joy

Step out of darkness, fears and cold.

~

I’m planting light for my tomorrows

Surrendering to God my sorrows

Not living in my yesterdays

But precious moments sing His praise.

Β 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 Β (A season for everything) CEB

Advertisements

27 thoughts on “Planting light for my tomorrows

  1. This is beautiful and a lovely tribute to your mom. I hope you plant that garden – I am sure you will feel her with you while you do it.

    • Thank you quirky, I fully intend to get back into doing all the things that I love doing.
      Being able to place emotions is the first step, I know it’s going to be a journey.
      Thank you for your lovely comment. Love and hugs. Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

  2. Lees!

    We were writing at the same time? I just wrote a poem titled “rainbow tears”, and I was crying but didn’t know why. It is about seeing the new paths through the rainbow colors of our tears. And how they cleanse away the “distracting particles”. I can’t remember the rest, but it feels very much in tune with your blog post.

    AND we both wrote poems about tears! Hmm…

    I am so glad you were able to write this and gain some healing through your tears. Thank you for sharing your video clip with us it was beautiful.

    I love you!!
    Angel

  3. Thank-you… you have no idea how much I needed this. Especially the poem at the end. To be honest, I didn’t even know how badly I needed it until I read it and God used it to comfort me.

    Thank-you so much for sharing this ((hugs)) God bless you ((hugs))

    P.S.
    Can I share this on facebook and my blog?

  4. Perfect words for my day Lisa. My life seems to be collapsing all around me and my “safe place” isn’t always available. Your thoughts today help me to take another step forward. You’re a special woman. Blessings to you.

  5. This is wonderful, Lisa. I am always amazed with your mom when you write about her. What a wonderful friend you had in her! One day, you will see her again πŸ™‚ I love your dream of a garden with your mom, and I absolutely love your poem. it is incredible and beautiful, just like you πŸ™‚

  6. I was 55 years old when I died to my daughter. I have no clue what caused our close relationship to abruptly cease one day in August of 2010. We were best friends, or so I thought.

    ‘Our’ garden consisted of 3 children… my grandchildren; her children (now aging 2, 4, and 6 yrs. old). I don’t see or hear from any of them anymore.

    My daughter was to me as your mom was to your dad. My daughter was my relationship coach. I’m an Aspie. She’s a NT. I not only lost my best friend. I lost my social guidance counselor.

    My daughter is 29 yrs. old. Maybe you’re close to her age? A mother/daughter bond should never break. You both appreciated gardens. Wouldn’t she feel sad if she knew your joy for gardening died when she died?

    I’m trying not to cry as I write this. I know it is not easy to move forward.

    • Hello Faith,
      I’m so sorry to hear of your relationship with your daughter. I hope and pray you will be friends again. I’m 42 years old, my little sis is close to your daughters age though. My Mom was only 19 when I was born. It would have been my Mom and Dad’s 44th Wedding Aniversary today actually.
      I don’t really know what to say but I will add you to my prayers and please come back and comment again. I do love to make new friends. I do try to answer all my comments but I’m not good at answering them straight away. I have days where I can’t think what to say at all.
      I know you will understand.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

      • An hour or two after I posted my comment about me and my daughter, I got a phone call from my son-in-law. He never calls me. He called to tell me my daughter has been in the hospital for 3 weeks and asked to see me. I went there and found out she’s been in there for 6 weeks. I’m still in shock. She is slowly starving herself to death and has refused to talk with anyone (including her children) for 1 1/2 years!

        She did talk with me (only me; NO one else, including doctors). She is locked up because she is not in her right mind. Words cannot describe how sick I’m feeling at this moment. She was once so beautiful she could have been a model. Now she is skin and bones and walks like a zombie.

        I don’t think I’m up to communicating with anyone beyond this post here. My emotions are too raw. My only hope is in prayer and for a miracle to take place. That is what it will take in order for her to stay alive.

        • Oh Faith I am so sorry that you are having to see your little girl like this. I will certainly be keeping this in prayer. I’m sure all here will also be praying for you and your daughter too.
          I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, please know that my heart goes out to you.
          Love and hugs friend.
          Lisa. xxx {{{hugs}}}

            • I’m sorry, I can’t think anymore. I put a link to a beautiful photo of her and don’t know what I did wrong to cause it to not work. I should stop this. I can’t turn time back.

              • Faith, I’m praying for your daughter and for you.
                You don’t have to say sorry, you needed to express and that is fine.
                If you feel safe here then keep being you.
                My readers are lovely and a lot of them pray.
                I will keep praying. God bless.
                Love and hugs.
                Lisa. xxx

                • Thank you everyone for praying! Much good has been happening since my previous comment here. It’s so mind boggling I can’t think of what else to say.

                  I’m revitalized, but I don’t think that vitality will do much good to my blog. That could be an answer to prayer though. I was living my life on the computer while my daughter was ‘out-to-a-long-lunch’. Now that she is progressively coming back (thanks to her body detoxing from the poisonous ‘meds’ forced upon her and her brain healing from this chemical lobotomy), my life is becoming filled with love and laughter.

                  It’s wonderful to see my grandchildren also recovering from this ordeal. Thankfully they’re young enough (2, 4, and 6 yrs. old) to do this quickly. It’s music to hear the sound of their laughter and play. It’s miraculous to see my daughter become born again (in more than one way)!

                  Without faith in God, things would have gone horrible. Back in the beginning of last March, my faith was almost diminished. Since then, it’s been coming back stronger than ever! I pray this message helps others who may be struggling with their faith and encourages them to not give up.

                  God is faithful!

                  • Hi Faith, thank you so very much for coming and sharing your good news. It has filled me with joy hearing that you have you family back again. Such am amazing testimony of God working in your life and the life of your daughter. Blessing to you friend. God is so good.
                    Love, hugs, prayers and peace to you and yours. Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

    • Thank you ~Sam~ πŸ™‚
      My Mom was a lovely person and so very compassionate.
      I miss her every day, and some days I forget and pick the phone up to chat to her.
      That’s Aspie visuals I suppose, not being able to switch it off.
      I spoke to her every day and she only lived a 10 minute walk from me.
      Our safe little bubble popped the day she left the world.
      I know I will see her again one day, moving forward is hard.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

  7. Pingback: Planting light for my tomorrows | Listening through the Loops

  8. I know where you are coming from. What you have just done is counselled yourself and stayed still enough to listen to the inner voice, which we know as God. Your poem is the conclusion you will move forward from this with God’s help. You will never forget but time is a great healer and it is good that your poem has put this into prospective. Love you xxxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s