Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
Have you ever had a dream that you planned to perfection and then the person you shared this dream with left your life? It may have been through death or for reasons you don’t understand. Or you may understand but feel helpless because it is out of your hands. Grieving (In all forms) is a strange thing, we can go on fine for days, weeks, months and then something happens that knocks the wind out your sails.
“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.” ~ Alex Tan
Most of you know about my “Coffee Quote time”
If you are new to my blog this is the time in my day when I read through all the new quotes added to the Facebook pages I follow while having my Coffee. It’s a little bit of me time that positively fuels me with inspired words, beautiful images and caffeine. 🙂
I share a few of the gems I find with those who follow me on Facebook.
I read a quote yesterday that brought me to tears
I tried to find it this morning but I can’t remember where it was. I can’t remember the page I found it on or the image it was displayed with. It went something like this though.
“Planting a garden is having hope for your tomorrows!”
I planned my garden with my Mom, she was my best friend.
She was very ill the last 3 years of her life and she was in a wheel chair. She was only 55 years old when she died. It was losing Mom that shed light on how much my Dad struggles to fit in this world without her. Mom had always been his words and his safe place, before he met Mom my Nan was this for him and for his identical twin. The word Autism had never been part of our vocabulary. Dad was shy, quiet and not very good at socialising. My Mom was NT and she bridged the gap for all of us. Me and my sister learned to imitate her, we can both pull off “normal” when we have to. Mom loved and accepted us and she always made things better.
The house we grew up in didn’t have much of a garden
The land around the house was used by my Dad for car repairs and all the inventing, building and constructing he would do. He had a little sail boat, motor bikes and a WHOLE LOAD of camping stuff stored out there too. He’s very good at fixing things and collecting things is my Dad.
My Great Grandparents lived only a 10 minute walk from us in a lovely little bungalow surrounded with garden. Very often me and my Mom would go and sit in their lovely garden, in the shade of an oak tree, on an old bench. It’s a lovely memory of a beautiful garden with beautiful people.
I have been avoiding my garden for over 7 years
The truth is I love gardening, I’m not an expert but I love planting and seeing things grow. When I was homeless I missed my garden more than my home. My garden was a place of calm, peace, hope and dreams. A place where I could be me and digging helped me release emotions I never understood. It has been kept nice by my hubby while I have not been able to deal with feelings connected with it. My dogs enjoy a run around on the grass and my kids have a trampoline. We have BBQ’s in the summer and eat out there on warm days. It’s a place to dry my washing and listen to the birds. But…every time I try to get back into my passion, every time I pick up my tools or put my hands in the soil I have the same video clip running in my head.
I’ll share it with you…
Mom is sitting in her wheelchair under my Cherry tree. She is smiling at my kids, they are playing with the chickens and collecting bugs in containers. *AJ is constantly shouting, *NANNY! LOOK I GOT ANOTHER BUG!” *CAL is collecting bit’s of grass and cabbage leaves in a little Barbie bucket and popping them into the chicken run. I’m pruning and chatting nonstop. Mom was used to my nonstop chatter and knew just what to do. I could never tell if she was listening or if she had turned off her hearing aid. 🙂
“See this frame I have built Mom, it’s going to be a gazebo and I’m going to put a bench in it for you. This half I’m going to turn into an outdoor aviary and I’m going to get a pair of doves, to go with the Budgies and the Cockatiels. You like doves don’t you Mom? On this side I’m going to plant you a rose garden and over there I’m going to plant you a herb garden, then when the breeze blows into your gazebo you will have beautiful smells. I can hang some wind chimes up there too. You’d like that wouldn’t you Mom? The vegetable patch is looking good now isn’t it? The chickens keep trying to get in and nick the cabbages…hehe. Perhaps I should fence off the veggie patch, or maybe I could move the chickens further down and then they could have the bottom part of the garden. What do you think Mom? Do you think they would be ok under the trees down there?”
She smiled and said,
“I loved Grandad Charlie’s rose garden and I love sitting in your garden. Doves would be lovely!”
I want to create what I planned
I know it was my dream but I so wanted to share it with my Mom, give her the garden she never had at home. I wanted to sit in the gazebo on that bench like we did when I was a little girl. I wanted to smell the roses in the breeze with her, just like we did in Grandad Charlie’s rose garden. I wanted to listen to the wind chimes and the cooing of the doves and see her smiling at me. She was only 19 years older than me.
I am crying writing this, it’s hard to move forward.
BUT… I know that tears bring healing and even though I don’t like the pain of crying I’m not afraid of tears anymore. They release what I can’t understand or what I can’t express and God uses them to wash away darkness making room to bring in new light.
My Mom would want me to have my dream garden
She knew how much I loved gardening. She saw how much I needed to be with nature and animals. She wouldn’t want me to have a memorial garden. She would want me to have a garden of hope, of dreams, of peace and of prayer. A place to plant my seeds and watch them grow.
Planting light for my tomorrows
I learn to see the needs around me
And to share my heart with those I love
I’m planting light for new beginnings
And sharing tears with God above
I know this journey won’t be easy
But adventures often do bear scars
God gives me freedom, if I receive it
Or I can stay behind these bars
My tears can water pretty flowers
Step out in faith and watch God mould
Walk new paths and create new joy
Step out of darkness, fears and cold.
I’m planting light for my tomorrows
Surrendering to God my sorrows
Not living in my yesterdays
But precious moments sing His praise.