Self worth, or house proud? (Aspie trying to process)

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I have been thinking today about the drastic change in my attitude towards housework. I grew up in a messy home, my Mom tried so hard to stay on top of things, but my Autistic Dad is a complete hoarder. My Aspie traits and my need for a safe place of calm took me to my bedroom a lot. In my room I had everything in its place. I loved order and I loved clean.

When I left home at 18

I moved into a flat with my first husband we both had a lot of pride in our home. For me I just needed my safe place, a place of knowing, I can see this now. For him it was more of a sense of achievement, he had grown up with very little and he enjoyed having the very best. For both of us home became very materialistic and it made my Mom feel uncomfortable when she visited. She once said to me that she really didn’t enjoy visiting because it was like stepping into a magazine and she felt like her being there was making a mess. She was right, it was like that and for all the wrong reasons.

Roll the years forward to the birth of *AJ

At this point things were not going so well with our marriage and I took comfort in order. My home became OVER organised and EXTRA clean, in fact it was sterile. I developed terrible OCD and what was my safe place was also *AJ’s safe place. He was a tiny baby, I was feeling EXTREMELY insecure with what was out of control in my life, so a phobia of germs took control. My cleaning routines and rituals had to be done, it was the only way I could function at that time.

I wrote a poem about this….here is the link

The Land of the Cleaning Disorder

I was a single Mom for quite some time.

No one noticed my routines and rituals when *AJ was young, I knew they were odd so I hid them well. I had been isolated in my first marriage and I lost all my friends after the divorce. This tends to happen when your couple friends have to choose. Me being the less social one missed out on grabbing the friendships. I lost my home and my belongings (it’s amazing how freeing that can be actually) I didn’t see it at the time, I was seriously depressed. I had a loving family and a good friend who helped me through. I didn’t have anything to clean for a whole year and this broke me of my habit. I was living with those who would put a roof over the head of a young Mom and her 2 year old hyper active son.

Not my rules, they were the rules of the homes I lived in

No belongings, means no cleaning. I was helpful to those I lived with and really just kept out of the way. When I got my home back *AJ was 3 and he no longer needed things to be sterile. I kept a tidy ordered home that was relaxed and friendly. At this point in my life I was in a religious sect and my time was consumed by the indoctrination of this particular fellowship.

When *CAL was born *AJ was 7

My germ phobia kicked back in, Mr Locoman is a lot more loving and patient than my first husband was. He was able to bring me through this, he helped me to feel secure and not have to keep control of the environment.

11 years later I no-longer feel I have to have an immaculate home to impress people, or even be liked by people. Part of this though is because I have spent so long trying to please everyone, trying to imitate or impress friends that now I really don’t care anymore what people think. I know I am loved by God and those God has put in my life.

After the building work was completed we were left with an awful lot of mess, the problem is I seem to have lost the motivation.

I want my home nice again, but there is a kind of fear

Don’t get me wrong it’s not that bad, I can invite people round. But I feel like I am only wanting it nice for me. I think I have been trashed that much in my life by others, and I have allowed people to treat me badly because I didn’t really understand I deserved and was worth better. Now I am having a re-think and wondering if I have lost the “self love” that I should have to motivate me into wanting nice for myself. I can easily do everything for others but for myself I tend to not bother. I don’t feel pressured into doing things to please my husband, my kids, my family or my true friends because I know they love me regardless. I’m very blessed. My kids are both older now and have their own things and their own rooms. I feel content but my home isn’t exactly how I want it.

So how do I find the balance?

What is self-worth?

What is house proud?

Is this an Aspie thing?

Or me just struggling to process my past again?

Just my thoughts, I know God loves me so I should love me too!

There we go, my post of babbling nonsense for the day.

Love and hugs all.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Status update by Joyce Meyer

No one is perfect—each of us is a work in progress. (Phil. 1:6)

Philippians 1:6 (NIV1984)

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

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9 thoughts on “Self worth, or house proud? (Aspie trying to process)

  1. The condtion’s of one’s home is so often scrutinized, that it can be a source of anxiety.

    My mom is about three weeks from an episode of Hoarder’s because of her age and desire to hang on to everything. It seems like her side of the family is a phone call away from the health department.

    My husband, a Russian, started his life in America with three shirts, a pair of pants and 32 books. He is very austere.

    I monitor myself because while visual clutter makes me anxious, I would fill our house to bursting with old books and maps.

    My special interest is collage, or at least the idea of gathering and organizing stuff for collage. I do far more organizing than art. This once disturbed me greatly, but understanding ASD and OCD, I have been letting myself enjoy filing and re-filing my immense collections.

    My husband has given me a number of plastic boxes to house my stuff in and this makes it possible for us to use the garage.

    I think you’ve got your situation under control–when you can make peace with imperfection your have progressed as a person. 🙂

  2. Some people would call me a ‘neat freak’ others would go as far as to say I am obsessive.I like my house neat and ordered and tidy. If my environment is chaotic then I feel anxious and overwhelmed.I am trying hard to pare this back as there are days where the kids just playing drives me crazy because it messes up my order. For me I think it has to do with having some control over something. I often feel completely lost when dealing with Christians ASD and I also have weight issues, keeping the house neat is ‘easy’ to control. xxx

  3. My mom has complete OCD about her house (and other things). She has to clean it every Saturday morning, and she sweeps and mops throughout the week. I grew up with her OCD cleaning house rituals, but I never did it correctly even though I was made responsible for cleaning the house once she started working over 50 hours a week. My stepfather at the the time did nothing.

    All of her issues actually frustrated me because I could not do them right. The house was spotless all the time, but not right. It caused me to feel overwhelmed with cleaning my room. I kept order with my music, books, and angel collection, but the floor would have clothes and papers all over it. She would get so angry at me. When I moved out on my own though I became obsessive about the places I lived, but when I started working a ton of hours I couldn’t always keep up with my laundry.

    After the kids were born I was out of control with keeping the house clean, and tidy. I always cleaned before people came over because my mom had made such a big deal about people not seeing a messy house. I caused myself to get physically and mentally ill when we moved here. I was under so much stress with Daniel, church, and the house we were renting was very nice that I cleaned all the time. I would freak out and panic if things were out of order.

    I think it was about a year or two into this house that I finally crashed and said: “I cannot do it.” David does not see any messes. He never sees anything as not clean, it never occurs to him to wipe down anything or vacuum anything like that. However, he does get all overloaded when there are toys on the floor. It is very confusing to me. Oops!! I am rambling.

    Currently, I am freaking out because I have loads of laundry to finish, my desk is a mess and driving me crazy and all of the toys that I organized last month are mixed up and scattered throughout the house. I am trying very hard not to go into a cleaning frenzy, but I am also not condemning myself for the messes. It is hard work sometimes to find the balance, but you are not alone my friend. 🙂

    Love you!!

  4. There is a balance which you can achieve, as you know I have had plenty of experience with OCD. Like Angel said it is hard but it can be done.

    Making a daily rota helped me. That way I would limit myself to cleaning one room only and not end up cleaning till on the evening, as I have done in the past. I am naturally tidy anyway and it’s a lot easier for me as being on my own and only clean up after myself.

    Look at it another way? Love Auntie COD. Love you xxxx

  5. I’m in a bind because I love a clean house, but I truly suck at cleaning. Give me a pile of data & I can organize & categorize it (not to mention memorize it) in two seconds flat. A pile of laundry, on the other hand, takes me days. I will literally leave a clean pile of laundry on the floor for a week. It’s brutal because I’m only truly at peace with a clean house.

    I hope you find your balance – I’m sure you will. Solutions always start with questions, so just by asking, you’ve already begun.

  6. I’ve gone back and forth with my house cleaning – neat freak to not wanting to do it at all. I think part of it might be an Aspie thing. I go on cleaning streaks, and then don’t have the energy. Of course, I have fibromyalgia, as well, so that comes into play. I’ve always like organizing more than cleaning. Thanks for your comment about Scooby. I deleted that post, and reinserted his photo. But I appreciated your words.

  7. I don’t think it is necessarily Aspie. Lots of people need neat homes to feel in control. I feel like I have no control over my life at the moment and my house is a mess. It hasn’t always been that way.

  8. I almost feel my house and how clean it is, and not, is an extension of my brain. If my house is clean and organized, I feel more calm and centered. If it’s a mess, then I get all freaked out and upset. When I grew up our house was a complete mess. I couldn’t stand it. Now I have to be careful I don’t take it to the extreme the other way. Its all a balance I think,

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