Doodling in the dirt!

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

In my last babble post I spoke about an encounter while shopping. This experience has stayed with me for a WHOLE week now. I have had a shutdown during this week after a build up of “Not Knowing” how I’ve been feeling, so I was not really able to process or filter out experiences. Also a fear came over me of writing, because of misunderstanding a person and their choice of words.

“I not know what I done!”

These were the words spoken by the young man in the post I refer to. The words that caused my shutdown in a supermarket. If you are confused here is the link to that post…

Shutdown in a Supermarket…The Big Issue?

“I not know what I done!”…or for me, “I don’t know what I did wrong!” has been a familiar and constant thought. It replaced the, “Why???” question. At around 8-10 years of age I realised that my constant “WHY?” was more than annoying to everyone I asked. I started to try to guess and work out what was meant. Not easy when facial expression and body language are not part of your understanding and you take everything literally and to heart.

I over think things now!

I realised this week that because I can’t always make out what a person means, I actually read it totally wrong a lot of the time by trying to think it through. I suppose this comes down to my lack of confidence in understanding peoples intensions. Not wanting to ask because I’m fed up of being laughed at. Also a lot of people just don’t seem to have time to be bothered with anyone but themselves. I am constantly analysing what people say, I try to figure out if they actually mean the words they are saying. I think this is also to do with my literal thinking. But I hate the thought of saying or doing something that might hurt someone.

Writing is something I never thought I would do!

That is the total truth! If someone would have said to me in May 2010 you are going to write and share you thoughts and feelings to 100’s of people 3 times a week and have 2 blogs I would have thought they were mad. But here I am babbling away and I still can’t believe that I do this. I do love to write though and it helps me so much to release all the many, MANY thoughts I store up in my mind.

I don’t know what I do wrong and the “Why?” is no longer cute.

But I do know that I can’t go far wrong if I keep looking to Jesus.

If I keep following His example, I keep looking to His word and trying my best to put it into practice.

Accepting that I am only human and I know how often I fall short.

KNOWING deep in my heart that God loves and accepts me just as I am.

Even when I don’t know what I’m doing, just trying and failing is better than sitting and stagnating on what ifs and maybes.

Trusting in His plans that are to prosper and not to harm.

My head fills up with questions all the time!

I don’t get a lot of people, I simply don’t understand them and their ways. I have to filter through my understanding of who they are. This can be very draining sometimes. If I don’t do this though I am way too trusting and people are not always nice, then I get incredibly hurt.

My many loops of questions and conversations, replays and visuals can trap me and push me into wrong situations. These will then spiral and bring me to shutdown or even meltdown.

Also when people keep pushing me for decisions or for answers, I can’t reach my own perception. I will mimic and I will people please to stop the confusion in my mind. I will do this so very well I have had years and years of practice at it!

I have found a way of helping myself with this.

Now that I see this about myself, I have to first say “NO!”

Those negative, put me down voices of my past…I say, “No…That is a lie!”

I have shared before how I love art and how as a child I would doodle in my margins at school to try to understand better. This got me into a lot of trouble and because of a lack of understanding of ASD’s this also damaged my learning experience and educational development.

When I was reading my Bible the other day…

I realised that I’m not the only one who needs to doodle and look away to stop the questioning and find my truth.

I realised that I’m not the only one who has to disengage eye contact to hear my inner voice.

I realised that I’m not the only one who can process my thoughts when writing them down.

I see with Aspie eyes and my own tangents bring me peace.

Jesus saw through God’s eyes and His love brings eternal life.

John 8:6-8 (GNT)

They said this to trap Jesus, so that they could accuse him. But he bent over and wrote on the ground with his finger. As they stood there asking him questions, he straightened up and said to them. Whichever one of you has committed no sin may throw the first stone at her. Then he bent over again and wrote on the ground.

Doodle Fish, painted with Coffee while I was coming through a shutdown.

Doodle Fish, painted with Coffee!

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25 thoughts on “Doodling in the dirt!

  1. Wow Lees! I have a post waiting, I need to edit it again, but it is all about communication or lack of linking to me looping. I almost published it, but needed to go back over it again. Maybe I needed to wait for you so I could feel safe. 🙂

    I am exploring my lack of understanding people’s “intent” when communicating and how it causes me to loop. I think it is funny that we have had limited contact this week, but are on the same page. Jesus?? Hm… Hee hee

    Awesome post!

    I love you AND your Doodle fish!!

  2. Hello lovely Lisa,

    Wow! This is an amazing post. I’m just sitting here blown away!

    As usual, you have given me insight into my own makeup, and indeed my own history, by putting your experiences into words (for example doodling in the margins, and not having my artistic talents appreciated at school!). I so often see how it is that I experience my life, once you’ve written your experiences down. And I find such good advice in your sharing of your solutions.

    I love the way you picked up on Jesus needing to look away, and even write, whilst thinking things through.

    And we certainly “… can’t go far wrong if we keep looking to Jesus.” Yes, God does love and accept us just as we are.

    And your Doodle Fish painting is so beautiful!

    Blessings,
    Bruce

  3. Oh, I so love that you saw this in this passage! Most certainly I have never heard anyone bring that out before – awesome. 🙂

  4. i love the way God speaks to you. When you first shared this with me I was amazed and that didn’t change any when I read this.
    Thank you for who you are and for sharing yourself with us

    xx

    • Thank you my precious friend,
      I love the way God speaks to you too!
      If it wasn’t for you listening to all my babble I don’t think I ever would have shared it.
      You help me so very much Fi! Thank you for who YOU are!
      Also thank you for sharing yourself with us.
      I love you SO very much.
      Lees. xxxx 🙂

  5. Wow Lisa! I always wondered why Jesus wrote on the ground like that – now I know why! I love your perspective.

    I know you struggle with many things, but that gives you the privilege of a great relationship with God. You are truly blessed.

    And talented – I love that doodle fish.

  6. Another beautiful entry! Not to mention a beautiful doodle-fish! There have been multiple times, in the midst of an argument, that Stephanie has cried out, “Why are you mad at me??” It breaks my heart. We have to stop and make ourselves realize that, much of the time, she doesn’t get it, and, all of the time, she doesn’t process information the same way we do. It’s a constant battle and a constant learning process.

    Lisa, you are rapidly becoming my favorite blogger!

    Grace and peace,

    Jeff

    • Thank you Jeff,
      I’m stuck for words….and smiling a lot at your last line. Also blushing! 🙂
      I’m keeping you and your lovely family in prayer my friend, God is good!
      Love, hugs, grace and peace to you. xx 🙂

  7. Lisa,
    I love your spirit! When I watched an episode of 60 minutes recently where the specialist was showing a mapping of Temple Grandin’s brain I noticed something different that they mentioned. They talked about the wiring being crossed. I saw a brain that had evolved and that is what I see when you talk about your relationship with God too.

    Hugs,

    Sue

    • Wow Sue thanks for that, I don’t quite know what to say.
      I just read and pray and write down what I feel God is speaking into me.
      I will have to look out for that on video it sounds very interesting.
      Love and hugs my friend. xx 🙂

  8. Lisa,

    Beautiful words and a delightfully wonderful doodle fish. I too doodled in class; I too have to look away in order to listen to my inner voice. (I wonder if Jesus was drawing a doodle fish in the sand)

    Blessings,
    Chuck

    • Hi Chuck, thank you for your comment.
      I like to think Jesus was drawing fishes too.
      I can quite imagine him drawing pictures in the dirt for the children.
      🙂 That image makes me smile.
      Love and hugs. xx 🙂

  9. Pingback: Hearing my Master’s voice « Alienhippy's Blog

  10. Lisa, loved this post, could totally relate. I’ve always wondered why Jesus wrote in the dirt. Now I know 😉 Doodling is a great way to clear our minds and delay responses. The doodle fish is amazing! Keep up the great work. looking forward to reading more! 😉 Have a great day! XX

    • Thank you sparkylaurie,
      I really appreciate you popping over to visit my blog.
      I loved reading your post, “Life lessons from a Pencil.”
      My lovely friend Fi put me onto it. I wouldn’t have found it otherwise.
      I don’t read too many blogs because of my dyslexia.
      Glad I found yours though.
      Look forward to reading more.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

  11. Lisa, I too feel drained most of the time trying to explain myself to people.Often I think & speak too quickly and even while blogging , I comment without reading what others comment. Don’t have the energy in me, honestly. I truly need to learn to doodle….thats why I wrote “delay response and think clearly” 😉 This post was a timely blessing to me I sometimes get misunderstood for validating others and it hurts. Oft late I haven’t exactly been reading any blogs.Just spending time like Mary at the Master’s feet and dealing with areas He is revealing in my life. Reading this post reminded of the verse 1 Corin 10:13 which is about the universality of human trials. All God’s children go through similar trials at different points of time in life.I loved the way you said “I don’t know what I do wrong and the “Why?” is no longer cute.” It is reassuring that even the innocent well intentioned blunders that we make can actually be the very places God reveals to us areas of sanctification. You are welcome to stop by NUGGETS any time you need inspiration. I too hope to stop by coz I do enjoy your creativity and honesty. I think our difficulties make us more sensitive and compassionate persons. Continue to be the blessing that you are to those around. Take care, God bless!
    PS: I haven’t been able to read much, but from what I’ve read (especially her parenting manifesto), Fi is a truly wonderful mum. Hats off to her !

  12. Pingback: Visual prompts, social confusion and Jesus « Alienhippy's Blog

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