In my last babble post I spoke about an encounter while shopping. This experience has stayed with me for a WHOLE week now. I have had a shutdown during this week after a build up of “Not Knowing” how I’ve been feeling, so I was not really able to process or filter out experiences. Also a fear came over me of writing, because of misunderstanding a person and their choice of words.
“I not know what I done!”
These were the words spoken by the young man in the post I refer to. The words that caused my shutdown in a supermarket. If you are confused here is the link to that post…
“I not know what I done!”…or for me, “I don’t know what I did wrong!” has been a familiar and constant thought. It replaced the, “Why???” question. At around 8-10 years of age I realised that my constant “WHY?” was more than annoying to everyone I asked. I started to try to guess and work out what was meant. Not easy when facial expression and body language are not part of your understanding and you take everything literally and to heart.
I over think things now!
I realised this week that because I can’t always make out what a person means, I actually read it totally wrong a lot of the time by trying to think it through. I suppose this comes down to my lack of confidence in understanding peoples intensions. Not wanting to ask because I’m fed up of being laughed at. Also a lot of people just don’t seem to have time to be bothered with anyone but themselves. I am constantly analysing what people say, I try to figure out if they actually mean the words they are saying. I think this is also to do with my literal thinking. But I hate the thought of saying or doing something that might hurt someone.
Writing is something I never thought I would do!
That is the total truth! If someone would have said to me in May 2010 you are going to write and share you thoughts and feelings to 100’s of people 3 times a week and have 2 blogs I would have thought they were mad. But here I am babbling away and I still can’t believe that I do this. I do love to write though and it helps me so much to release all the many, MANY thoughts I store up in my mind.
I don’t know what I do wrong and the “Why?” is no longer cute.
But I do know that I can’t go far wrong if I keep looking to Jesus.
If I keep following His example, I keep looking to His word and trying my best to put it into practice.
Accepting that I am only human and I know how often I fall short.
KNOWING deep in my heart that God loves and accepts me just as I am.
Even when I don’t know what I’m doing, just trying and failing is better than sitting and stagnating on what ifs and maybes.
Trusting in His plans that are to prosper and not to harm.
My head fills up with questions all the time!
I don’t get a lot of people, I simply don’t understand them and their ways. I have to filter through my understanding of who they are. This can be very draining sometimes. If I don’t do this though I am way too trusting and people are not always nice, then I get incredibly hurt.
My many loops of questions and conversations, replays and visuals can trap me and push me into wrong situations. These will then spiral and bring me to shutdown or even meltdown.
Also when people keep pushing me for decisions or for answers, I can’t reach my own perception. I will mimic and I will people please to stop the confusion in my mind. I will do this so very well I have had years and years of practice at it!
I have found a way of helping myself with this.
Now that I see this about myself, I have to first say “NO!”
Those negative, put me down voices of my past…I say, “No…That is a lie!”
I have shared before how I love art and how as a child I would doodle in my margins at school to try to understand better. This got me into a lot of trouble and because of a lack of understanding of ASD’s this also damaged my learning experience and educational development.
When I was reading my Bible the other day…
I realised that I’m not the only one who needs to doodle and look away to stop the questioning and find my truth.
I realised that I’m not the only one who has to disengage eye contact to hear my inner voice.
I realised that I’m not the only one who can process my thoughts when writing them down.
I see with Aspie eyes and my own tangents bring me peace.
Jesus saw through God’s eyes and His love brings eternal life.
John 8:6-8 (GNT)
They said this to trap Jesus, so that they could accuse him. But he bent over and wrote on the ground with his finger. As they stood there asking him questions, he straightened up and said to them. Whichever one of you has committed no sin may throw the first stone at her. Then he bent over again and wrote on the ground.