I was thinking today how I protect certain parts of my personality. This doesn’t come naturally, it is something I have had to learn to do. Some “notsonice” people have helped me with this by treating me badly and causing me to isolate myself. In the time that I was steering clear of ALL personal relationships, I was assessing just what it is that I do wrong.
I hadn’t learned to REALLY see!
My natural personality is extremely open and trusting. I love people and want to be close to them. Eye contact is difficult with most people outside of my family, but I have learnt to look like I’m giving eye contact. It’s like I can tell when people are not being real, their eyes are like a window and that can sometimes scare me. I don’t want to think badly of people so I can’t look. Also, it can be like they are seeing my thoughts, I know this sounds weird, but I find it very hard not to say EVERYTHING that comes into my head. Over the years fear has developed and makes me stop and not be able to speak. Then I tend to agree with the person manipulating or controlling the situation. Looking at a person can give me away and make me speak, not always saying what I really want to say. I don’t always say the right things and the confusion of a face will make me just say what is in my head. This is sometimes NOT my own thoughts but words of others, as I am trying my best to process.
Puzzles and colours have always fascinated me
I love Jigsaw puzzles, I see the shapes and colours and can get quite draw into the whole experience. Time just disappears and I can become SO absorbed. Without a picture to follow, any Jigsaw would be so confusing. For me most people are like massive puzzles without a true picture.
About those people that are in my head
Not the people closest to me, not the ones who truly love and accept me, but the ones who I don’t feel I REALLY know. I feel like I’m collecting pieces of them, trying to put a picture together of the person who I have a visual of in my head. Sometimes they can become loops. This is where I really struggle because people are constantly changing. I know people as reruns, faces from places, if I don’t have regular contact with a person it’s like having a Jigsaw with no picture.
Facebook is SO confusing
I love fb but recently I have realised that the way people act on fb is not really who they are. Some will only share their perfect days, others seem to want attention. Some will be oh so friendly, others plane nasty…It’s almost like a free for all and it can seriously cause an Aspie SO MUCH JUMBLE. (“JUMBLE” from Laura’s blog)
I have to be so careful what I feed my brain, my whole life can be affected through not filtering correctly. I hate shutting down and fb has caused me so much confusion with this. I take people literally, when they are friendly and then ignore me when seeing me I REALLY get hurt. I don’t understand this AT ALL.
Blogging is far easier to understand
I can find the blogs that will help me with the things that I need help with. I can even make friends with those who have experienced similar times as myself. Or are living similar lives. I can find blogs that will suit my moods in the times I am able to read….it’s so much easier.
One thing I know
I don’t feel alone, there are certain people that God has brought, our paths have crossed and they are NOT puzzles for me. They have entered my life bringing hope and friendship. I love puzzles but sometimes my brain needs a rest, puzzles without pictures are hard work. When God puts a picture in my heart the pieces fit by themselves.