1. to make out the meaning of.
2. to discover the meaning of.
3. to interpret by the use of a key.
4. Obsolete. to depict; portray.
Ok…I’ll tell you where this is going.
I love the song, Deciphering me by Brooke Fraser. I listen to it from my BlackBerry every time I go shopping. You could say it’s become my new supermarket song. Like most Aspies I like to repeat things, so yep… I put it on repeat. In fact I have set a file just for shopping where every song plays twice. I don’t know why it just seems better for me doing it this way.
“Don’t try to understand me, just love me!”
For me, I think that’s what it’s all about.
Not trying to understand me, just loving me, the way I am created to be.
I have spent SO.VERY.LONG trying to understand what on earth I do wrong, all the time, that now I feel unworthy. Somewhere along the way I stopped loving Lisa, actually I also stopped liking me too. I only seem to see what it is that I do that makes people uncomfortable/unfriendly/rude towards me. I take it on personally that it’s me that is wrong and I need to change. I do think this maybe to do with me having a lot of sensory problems but also my literal thinking plays a big part. I have had to learn by mistakes, we didn’t even know about our Autistic traits until my Dad was diagnosed at 64 years of age. As a family we were very close and lived very much in a bubble
A conversation with my *AJ this morning.
*AJ…”Mom, why does *CAL say “I don’t know!” to everything she is asked?”
Me…”What did you ask?”
*AJ…”*CAL, can I watch the telly? Then she said, “I don’t know!”
Me…”Well son that in *CAL’s language is the truth, she really doesn’t know if you can watch the telly. She only knows if she can watch the telly because she has already asked. You used to be exactly the same and so did I.”
*AJ…”Oh yep, that makes sense! What I said was just slang it wasn’t a proper question. If I said that in another country in their language they wouldn’t understand either.”
Me…”You know what son, that’s a very good point, but we also need to help *CAL understand these things because other people are not going to reword how they talk to her and she will be completely lost. I never understood as a kid that when my friends said, “See you later!” It didn’t mean they were going to call for me. So I would wait in for them and then the next day find out they were playing at someone else’s house. Then I felt really hurt and very left out, even as a teen I still didn’t understand this and there are still things I take literally and then get hurt all over again.”
My boy gets out the car and says, “See you later Mom, and I will see you later Mom!”
He’s so lovely and now he gets this I know he will help his sister to get it too.
I watched these Joyce Meyer videos yesterday.
I found these videos very helpful, however I know that my tendancey is to take on every challenge. I will replay these sort of things and become overwhelmed by all my “so called” faults. Knowing God loves me unconditionally and that HE created me to be JUST the way I am is what I ALWAYS need to remember.
I am now learning that it’s not always me that needs to change.
Yes I have weaknesses I’m human. I try my best to not let my weaknesses hurt others. I have friends I can talk with who help me to understand. It’s not always me that is wrong, this is strange for me but I’m learning this now. Sometimes it’s other people taking advantage of my ways and that’s why I have been so hurt by people.
I have not only been deciphering me but everyone else too.
My brain loves puzzles and loves finding ideas. This can be very tiring at times when I’m not particularly positive about myself. I have tried so hard not to be a nuisance to people. I have tried so hard to help people and wanted so much for people to accept who I am.
But…. I still mimic those who I feel intimidated by, I think I feel they will accept me if I’m like them. This then causes me SO MUCH confusion, because I’m NOT being me. I don’t realise I’m mimicking until they hurt me and then I am devastated.
So my decission today is…
Stop deciphering me so negatively, acceptance and love is all that everyone needs, including self.
Pray about these things and see where God leads me.
I’m not the one who brings healing and release so leave this with Jesus.
I need to stop trying to understand me and just love me.
Not in an unbalanced way, but at the moment I’m unbalanced in the opposite direction and that’s not good either.
I love this line from the song and this is where I’ll end this post.
“For I am a mystery, I am a locked room in a tall tower.”
Love and hugs.
Lisa. xx 🙂