“Who will love me for me?”

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Every once in a while there is a song, an image, a word, an experience that brings tears.

Not tears of sadness but tears of hope, joy and a turning in your heart and soul.

Over the last few days I have been on this rollercoaster and it has been pretty intense.

I very often have light bulb moments

An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, “manifestation, striking appearance”)

is the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something.

WIKIPEDIA: DON’T YOU JUST LOVE IT!!!

(I could have done so well at school if only they would have had computers back then…LOL)

But let me try to explain, and pull these Aspie tangents together…..

My realization, revelation, epiphany

My Mom was NT (neurotypical) my Dad is Autistic.

One of the traits of Autism is not being able to understand outside of self and this can appear extremely selfish at times.

I grew up seeing my Mom feeling constantly hurt by my Dad’s Autistic behaviour.

My Mom was my world so I felt like I hated him for it.

I didn’t know how to stop my Mom hurting so I hid in my room and like all children with (Aspergers Syndrome) AS I blocked out what was overloading me. I became focused on what I could control, this was my room, my things, my hobbies.

I lived in self and I created my own little cell of self protection.

When I was 12 years old my baby sister was born

At 12 years of age this was a turning point for me!

I now had someone in my life that I loved more than my own life.

I couldn’t bear being away from her.

She became my focus and I wanted to protect her from EVERYTHING that could hurt her.

Every time she cried it made me hurt inside and I knew I would walk instinctively under a bus to save her life.

I had never felt this kind of love before but I realised that it was an unconditional love that must be from God.

I made a choice to be like my Mom

AS kids are good mimics so I watched everything Mom did. My Mom was naturally giving, loving, warm, selfless.

I knew that I was like my Dad and I didn’t want to be. So…I pushed down my natural state, I didn’t know I was wired differently that I have AS, we didn’t know my Dad was Autistic. I saw my AS behaviour as being selfish, so I pushed it away and rejected self.

Religiousness messed me up!

Notice I say RELIGIOUSNESS and NOT God. God is Love NOT religion!!

It was the legalism, the traditions, the indoctrination and other people’s perception of my SIN.

As a person on the Autistic Spectrum I know that I can only really understand things from my own personal experiences. I have to study really hard to understand from another persons perspective. But at 12 years of age I started making myself do this out of love for my sister.

Because I knew that this love was pure and from God I then thought I needed to have this kind of love for all people.

Religion, and the religious had made me feel that unless I could love others and see their needs I was not of God.

I only understood how to give one kind of love so this made me feel a TOTAL wretch, because I find being around people extremely draining and I knew I just didn’t feel the same way towards others as I did towards my little sis.

I love God so I kept going to Church

As a person with AS (Aspergers Syndrome) I know that I take EVERYTHING literally a good sermon can be a wonderful thing.

It can also be extremely damaging if a person with literal thinking hasn’t learnt to dissect it and take out, with wisdom, love and kindness for self what is ACTUALLY appropriate to who they are and where they are at on their personal walk with Jesus.

My closest friend said to me that she felt that I am so aware of my AS traits that I put myself last and see myself as unworthy.

She is SO right with this and I love her so very much for who she is. True friends are always there to spur you on.

I chatted with my hubby about all of my thoughts on this and he said he can see this too.

Now this is my next mountain

I know God loves me for me not for what I have done or what I’ll become.

Now I need to learn to love me, not for what I can do or for what I am learning.

Just love me for me the creation that God has made me to be.

Like I first loved my little sis, the love that I have for all my family and close friends.

I have been putting myself last for so long I don’t know how to do this.

So I’m praying that God will help me find a balance and learn this way of His.

The scripture that I am holding on to is this

Matthew 22:37-40

New International Version (NIV)

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

The word spoken in me is “AS” Love others AS yourself Lisa!

It’s funny really that the word that changed my whole perception of God’s love is the two letters AS

This is the song and video that brought me tears of hope, joy and a turning in my heart and soul.

God is good!

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14 thoughts on ““Who will love me for me?”

  1. Wonderful post my friend! I can relate to so much of what you are saying here. I wish I could say more but I am kind of emotional today. So I will just say NARF! Zoinks! Right on, soul sister. Hee hee

    Awesome pictures!

    Love you tons!
    Angel

  2. I can totally relate to this post. It is the best gift of all to learn to loves oneself. It is then that you can be a positive influence in others lives. I love you Lisa xxxx

  3. Hello lovely,

    The reason I can relate to this is because I lived for years not liking myself very much, had a self loathing and because of this I drank like a fish, smoked like a trooper and partied for England, always the clown who everyone loved. I also ate until I ballooned in weight. I hated myself for making wrong choices in romance. Then I had a rude awakening with my health and I realised how precious life was and that it was a gift from God, one to be treasured. I beat myself up as I could never have a lasting meaningful relationship because I was a bit different and what they now call “Emotional High Maintenance”. I love myself now, although I do need to lose some weight again. I have been Blessed with a wonderful Family and I would not want any of them to waste time by not embracing themselves and thanking God for who they are, warts, faults, quirks and all. We are who we are, God made each one of us different. I know that I cannot think from your prospective and that it is different for you growing up in a different environment to mine.

    You are a work of art created by God in heaven, he then broke the mould and there isn’t another like you. You are unique and a beautiful person. You have aspie traits which you are aware of, so don’t beat yourself up about this. Now give yourself a great big hug. Live for yourself and your loved ones not for the approval of others.

    Love you xxxx

  4. So proud of you Lees!
    You are so in tune with what Jesus is saying to you and now that you’ve let him in to heal past hurts- he is taking you to new heights and new understanding.,
    Woohoo!!!!

  5. You have been Gods hands moulding me many times big sis. The love you have for me is equally returned, I love you just as much as you love me. I am so blessed that you are my sister and thank God for you everyday. I know He has a plan already worked out for us and is building us up and making us stronger wiser and more able each day, one day we will look back and reflect.
    I have had this song in my head all day today 🙂 from the minute I woke up this morning and it’s still looping there now.
    You are a Princess Gods Princess, don’t ever forget how important you are, you need to look after you or you wont be able to be who He wants you to be, all He wants you to be. You are uniquely and wonderfully made. Psalm 139.
    I love you sis all the world and a bag of sugar. xxxx

  6. Love this post and this song. It breaks my heart every time I hear it on the radio, but seeing the video really changes my perspective on it. You can see the joy break through at the end and I think that’s the key – to see all the love God wants to pour out on us when we are ready for Him to instead of focusing on the past and the pain.

    Thank you for always sharing your heart so openly – you are such a blessing!

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