Hello my lovely bloggy friends,
Every once in a while there is a song, an image, a word, an experience that brings tears.
Not tears of sadness but tears of hope, joy and a turning in your heart and soul.
Over the last few days I have been on this rollercoaster and it has been pretty intense.
I very often have light bulb moments
An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, “manifestation, striking appearance”)
is the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something.
WIKIPEDIA: DON’T YOU JUST LOVE IT!!!
(I could have done so well at school if only they would have had computers back then…LOL)
But let me try to explain, and pull these Aspie tangents together…..
My realization, revelation, epiphany
My Mom was NT (neurotypical) my Dad is Autistic.
One of the traits of Autism is not being able to understand outside of self and this can appear extremely selfish at times.
I grew up seeing my Mom feeling constantly hurt by my Dad’s Autistic behaviour.
My Mom was my world so I felt like I hated him for it.
I didn’t know how to stop my Mom hurting so I hid in my room and like all children with (Aspergers Syndrome) AS I blocked out what was overloading me. I became focused on what I could control, this was my room, my things, my hobbies.
I lived in self and I created my own little cell of self protection.
When I was 12 years old my baby sister was born
At 12 years of age this was a turning point for me!
I now had someone in my life that I loved more than my own life.
I couldn’t bear being away from her.
She became my focus and I wanted to protect her from EVERYTHING that could hurt her.
Every time she cried it made me hurt inside and I knew I would walk instinctively under a bus to save her life.
I had never felt this kind of love before but I realised that it was an unconditional love that must be from God.
I made a choice to be like my Mom
AS kids are good mimics so I watched everything Mom did. My Mom was naturally giving, loving, warm, selfless.
I knew that I was like my Dad and I didn’t want to be. So…I pushed down my natural state, I didn’t know I was wired differently that I have AS, we didn’t know my Dad was Autistic. I saw my AS behaviour as being selfish, so I pushed it away and rejected self.
Religiousness messed me up!
Notice I say RELIGIOUSNESS and NOT God. God is Love NOT religion!!
It was the legalism, the traditions, the indoctrination and other people’s perception of my SIN.
As a person on the Autistic Spectrum I know that I can only really understand things from my own personal experiences. I have to study really hard to understand from another persons perspective. But at 12 years of age I started making myself do this out of love for my sister.
Because I knew that this love was pure and from God I then thought I needed to have this kind of love for all people.
Religion, and the religious had made me feel that unless I could love others and see their needs I was not of God.
I only understood how to give one kind of love so this made me feel a TOTAL wretch, because I find being around people extremely draining and I knew I just didn’t feel the same way towards others as I did towards my little sis.
I love God so I kept going to Church
As a person with AS (Aspergers Syndrome) I know that I take EVERYTHING literally a good sermon can be a wonderful thing.
It can also be extremely damaging if a person with literal thinking hasn’t learnt to dissect it and take out, with wisdom, love and kindness for self what is ACTUALLY appropriate to who they are and where they are at on their personal walk with Jesus.
My closest friend said to me that she felt that I am so aware of my AS traits that I put myself last and see myself as unworthy.
She is SO right with this and I love her so very much for who she is. True friends are always there to spur you on.
I chatted with my hubby about all of my thoughts on this and he said he can see this too.
Now this is my next mountain
I know God loves me for me not for what I have done or what I’ll become.
Now I need to learn to love me, not for what I can do or for what I am learning.
Just love me for me the creation that God has made me to be.
Like I first loved my little sis, the love that I have for all my family and close friends.
I have been putting myself last for so long I don’t know how to do this.
So I’m praying that God will help me find a balance and learn this way of His.
The scripture that I am holding on to is this
New International Version (NIV)
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
The word spoken in me is “AS” Love others AS yourself Lisa!
It’s funny really that the word that changed my whole perception of God’s love is the two letters AS
This is the song and video that brought me tears of hope, joy and a turning in my heart and soul.
God is good!