Just me venting some emotions.

Ok, I am just going to be honest here.

I am really struggling to want to write anything on my blog at the moment. I am getting so insecure about what I write that after publishing I go into a loop. When no one comments on my blog I think I’ve done something wrong, I’ve offended someone or made a pratt of myself. I’m so used to rejection it’s what I expect.

I started writing for me, I’m on a journey trying to find who I am.

I have Aspergers Syndrome and I am dyslexic. I struggle everyday, blogging used to be my safe place, my happy time and social life. I’m still trying to get over the negativity I found a few weeks ago. It’s stuck in my loops and I’m not seeing myself as I used to.

“I’m just being me!”

I believe that somewhere in all my messed up babble there might just be something that can help. If I can help just one little kid out there to not grow up feeling like I feel most of the time. Then I have done some good.

If I can help one parent out there to help their child to grow up knowing how to have friendships, then I have helped. I am just being me, I hurt deeply at the thought of any child living the loneliness I have experienced.

If I can help just one ASD family to be able to go out for a meal and not feel the eyes burning into their souls, then I feel I have helped.

I have my own way of explaining, it’s the only way I can.

I can’t read all the medical books and explain it in that way, I can’t remember all the long words. I can only explain it in my Lisa Lingo. I have been knocked by the blog comments I read and now I am finding it so hard to write anything. I sat and thought about not blogging anymore today. I thought about deleting my blog actually. I sat and cried about it for quite some time.

I don’t want to go back to just blogging my poetry and art, I was hiding when I did that. I want to use the crap I have lived through, I want to put it to some good. I know that I have helped quite a few people in my time here.

I need to stop looking at the negative and start turning it upside down again.

I just need a little help and a few prayers because I keep getting stuck.

I am Aspie-happy, it’s time to find me again, I don’t know where I have put me.

I feel, I’m at a bit of a junction

by Alienhippy

I feel, I’m at a bit of a junction

Not knowing which way to turn

Just keep quiet and mask the real person

Or keep sharing and trying to learn

~

I’ve hidden who I am for so long

Afraid of rejection and pain

But something inside made me feel strong

What I became I can’t be again

~

I know I need to look deep inside me

Listen through the loops, then make my choice

Fight off fears and seek Aspie-happy

Be Still and KNOW, when I hear… the still small voice

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33 thoughts on “Just me venting some emotions.

  1. Don’t give up Lisa! I just love your blog, and your perspective on things. You have been so very helpful to me as a parent raising several kids on the spectrum, and I’d sooo miss your posts if they ended! Hang in there!!!

  2. you say sometimes no one comments ,but they do ,maybe not every time ,that doesn’t mean that they don’t read it or like it . I read it every time but i comment quite a bit . I find that I don’t see any reply from you ,especially what i have to say .Maybe I don’t explain myself clearly what I mean .Sometimes people go on vacation too. PLEASE don’t delete this blog ,what would we do without your great explainations ,that most of us can’t even begin to do . tHIS BLOG is great for you .As you say a place you can be yourself .If it wasn’t for the blog how would we get to know you ,how you think .the wonderful mother you are to the children .No one can possibly care for them like you can ,as you understand them through your experience .You can’t help every child ,but you can help your own that’s the most important thing Lisa , I know you have special friends that understand and can help you greatly , Please be patient and try not to feel neglected when no one comments .
    I would like to see a reply from you sometimes .Even if you send me a private message on face book ,that would be great .
    Blessings and hugs Friend
    Eileen

    • Hi Eileen,
      Thank you for your comment I had an emotional day. Sometimes I can’t always find the words to answer comments. Expressing myself through my posts is quite easy for me I have a lot of thoughts and writing them out helps me process them. However direct questions tend to stop me dead and I don’t know how to answer. I do answer all your comments when I am able to and I try my very best to explain what I need to explain.
      Thank you for your kind words about my children and my parenting I very much appreciate what you wrote. I don’t spend too much time on fb, I find it too confusing. I go on for short periods of time to just stay in the loop with what is going on around me.
      Blessings.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

  3. Oh no! I don’t know what happened to you but I’m guessing someone made a negative comment?
    This your space, if you don’t feel like writing, take a photo, draw a doodle, mould something out of the smelly block of cheese in the back of the fridge (c’mon I know we all have one, and are too scared to throw it out, or is that just me? ….rambling again…)
    Anyhow, if someone ever judges you or your work in a way you find offensive, or to the point of being negative for negatives sake, bloody delete it.
    And stand up, dust yourself down and start again.

    My ratings fluctuate all over the place but I draw primarily to please myself.
    It’s lovely that others like it too and in some small way I can see small connections being made. I can also see that happening here.
    Right then Missy, kettle on, cuppa on table and get posting!

    • Thanks Angie,
      Your comment really helped me get a grip.
      I will be following your advice and ignoring/deleting negativity.
      Doodling has really helped me over the last couple of days to release some major stuff.
      Also videos and photos too.
      Doodles NOT bloggable though…hehehe. 😉
      Love and hugs my friend.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

  4. Oh bugger, it’s me Angie (Doodlemum), but my other half has been logged in so apologies for that!!!!! Doh……really sorry…right logged back in as me now,
    As I said above, don’t let others dent your own creativity or self.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • Angie you are funny,
      When I lost my internet access I drove to my Aunts, 2 minutes up the road to blog my posts from her computer while she was out. Then when she was catching up with reading she left comments on my sisters blog that came up as me. Easily done. made me giggle. xx 🙂

  5. Society imposes a number of values on individuals…what’s right, expect, what’s necessary to be in the in-group, etc….but I wonder what does it matter when the final resting spot is six feet under…enjoy the life you have my friend…don’t worry about what they think…they’ll be in the same place as you some day. 🙂

  6. Definitely don’t delete your blog. I have enjoyed reading your perspective alot and really identify w/alot of what you write and especially enjoy your bible study posts. I don’t comment hardly at all though because I have a hard time articulating myself in writing alot of the time. It’s not really insecurity I jjust don’t convey what I really mean too in writing unless I’m in the right mode for it. I could do a simple acknowledgement of “I’m reading” if it helps though. Please don’t allow others non response make you give it up. As you stated, you began writing for yourself. You may never know how many you helped this side of heaven.. p.s. I s there any way to change your comment box because it’s a very dark grey agains a little bit darker background and the guest, login, buttons are in the way where I’m typing. I’m

    • Thank you Eilana,
      Your comment was perfect and just what I needed to read. I’m so glad you enjoy my Bible study posts I always get a little nervous about posting those. So it’s good to know you are reading. I have learned a lot since writing this post and I feel that writing it out really helps me. So don’t worry I won’t be deleting my blog, I do get over emotional sometimes, It’s just the way God created me to be. I’ll have a look to see if there is anything I can do about the dark background. I am hopeless with the dash board though. hehehe
      Thanks again for your comment.
      Love and hugs. Lisa xx 🙂

  7. You said it yourself “Or keep sharing and trying to learn” is the only way forward. Many people share your problems, your feelings, are grateful for what you do. I admire you and your blog. Please keep doing it.
    Hugs,
    ViV

    • Thanks Viv,
      I will certainly keep on doing it, writing it out helps me to process what the “IT” actually is. LOL
      I am so slow at replying to my comments, it’s actually quite good because it helps me see just how much can change in just a week or so. I was extremely emotional when I wrote this post and today I’m just thinking…”What planet were you on Lisa!” Giggle.
      Oh well, I also believe that everything is done because it can be of help somewhere. It’s all part of a bigger plan. So maybe my over emotional state about my blog did help, it definitely helped me to read this today and figure myself out just that little bit more. Put things in perspective and not allow others to influence my understanding of self. Thanks for your lovely comment Viv.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

    • Awwwww…thank you Danyelle, you are such a sweetheart.
      Don’t worry I’m over it now and I’m back to blogging for me.
      I can’t say what type of mood I’ll be in though, I never know myself. hehe
      Oh well God loves me, whatever mood I’m in.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

  8. Lisa, please keep sharing. Your posts always help me understand my son a little bit more.I often tell my family and friends about things you have said to try and help them understand him too.As for the lack of comments I think sometimes we just get caught up in our stuff, but look at your blog stats,33 480 visits.I always read your blog and it always makes me think,I dont always comment,but I am always here.hugs xx

    • Thanks Dearna,
      It’s great to know you always read and what I share is helpful. I was thinking about this and why it got to me so much. I think because Aspie struggle with friendships so much when we feel connected to something, like blog comments, we see it as friendship and look forward to that interaction. I know myself that I can only answer my comments when I feel sociable, when I’m able to be with people, the time that most people would go out. So when change happens, it’s like a disappointing night out. Like going for a meal and finding that they have stopped serving food.
      I can see it was my lack of understanding that again caused my hurt. I’m learning all the time so I know now, you may have to remind me though when I do it again. giggle giggle 😉
      Love and hugs my dear friend.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

  9. I don’t think it’s anything personal my dear friend. I know that even myself, sometimes I read blogs on my email when they come through to my iPhone with the intention to comment later on when I get home – but then I forget altogether.

    Also – keep blogging FOR YOU , not for anyone else 🙂

  10. Lisa,
    I have been commenting less because my computer crashed and I had to borrow my son’s to blog for a while. I was more hesitate to go to other sites with his computer. I hope you never give up. I think many of us are commenting less for some reason lately. I too have had less comments at times.

    • Hi Sue,
      Don’t worry about it, I have read through my post today and I feel a bit silly that I even wrote it. Oh well, that’s me all over…a bit silly, but….I’m very loveable with it.
      Love and hugs my friend.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

  11. I really enjoy your Blog. As your Auntie I thought I knew you as a child and then as an adult but you became so good with masking who you really were that your Blog has revealed to me who you really are and how you really feel. If you hadn’t explained how your Asperges affected you I would not have understood and I would have dealt with things in the wrong way.

    You have become an open book and being an open book which leaves you sometimes vulnerable. It is realistic to assume that you may not always get as as many responses as you would wish but what is important is how you deal with this.

    This is helping you also so unless you really want to, do’t give up on your Blog. Love the Andypoop comment. So few words but profound.

    Love you xxxx

    • Thank you Auntie Linda,
      Yep we all love ANDYPOOP and his profound comments.
      I think I had lost the plot and I was mixed up on perception and focus.
      Like it says at the top…..
      Alienhippy’s Blog. “A place where I can be me!”
      Total God-incident that I started blogging, I’ll keep going with that.
      God’s plans are to prosper not to harm, His bigger picture will make sense one day.
      Love you too. xxx 🙂

  12. I’ve come to realize that many people just nod their heads in understanding or agreement, but don’t always comment! So I just look at how many views I’ve had for a post, and imagine people smiling or nodding!

    • Thank you Margie,
      I will do that in future. I think again that my Aspie understanding along with my dyslexia got the better of me. I don’t read too many blog posts so when I do read a post I ALWAYS comment. With my Aspie trait of not understanding that everyone is NOT like me, I just got a bit confused and extremely emotional about the whole thing.
      I’m still learning…learning is good for me.
      Love and hugs. xx 🙂

  13. Hi Lisa,
    I have been having trouble keeping up with reading and commenting on all the blogs. But I always read your Alienhippy’s Blog. It is often my ray of sunshine. And I do learn so much about myself from reading your description of what your life is like.
    Please don’t delete the blog. It is a precious gem, just like you are!
    Love and hugs,
    Bruce 🙂

    • Awwwwww…lovely Bruce, I love getting your comments, we are so alike my friend.
      Precious gem….that made me smile SUCH a big smile. 😀
      Love you LOADS my friend.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

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