Smells, shutdowns and grieving.

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Strange title isn’t it, but I really didn’t know what else to call it.

I’m trying to piece something together at the moment, so I’m just going to babble and go off on Aspie tangents and I’ll see what I come up with. I have already made a few links and connections in my thoughts and reactions…Ooo that rhymes, there maybe a poem about to be born…giggle.

No, poems come at the end of prayers for me.

This is what has been happening

Yesterday I had a mega meltdown, I felt it coming on before I went to work. I held it together and then when I got home it exploded. I was a complete mess. I got so emotional I was throwing up and my crying was so loud my sister actually heard it from outside the house. She was dropping some food off for my dogs, she stayed with me and had a cup of tea. I calmed down while she was with me and then started up again when she left. I can’t cry in front of anyone, I don’t know why. I have learnt to swallow it and pretend so well now.

I pushed it all down and got on with being Mom

I can do this, it just means forgetting I exist and focussing on something else. I went to a supermarket and walked straight past one of my close friends, I didn’t even see her. She saw me and called me but it took me about 10 seconds to place who she was.

The amount of emotion made no sense, the thought that was looping didn’t match the hurt I was feeling. I was grieving but I didn’t understand this at the time.

Today at work it all came together.

I am on first aid this week, I have a lot of crying children to look after. I feel their hurt and upset, I want to hug them make them feel better, but child protection rules say NO! Everything has to be written down and to the book. I find filling in ALL the accident books and forms hard with my dyslexia.

So add up the sensory…

Hurt child means crying and emotion…I know I absorb emotion.

Also I am overloaded with paperwork which I can do but I’m slow at it, so when I have 4-5 kids all crying in a small room it is quite draining.

But this is what pulled it all together…. Hand washing, and using hand sanitizer.

I didn’t realise the smell of alcohol hand rub was giving me visual loops and past conversations. I am so used to my head being so busy I just block out what I don’t want to remember.

October 2004, age 55, my Mom died.

I spent every week day for the last 3 years of her life helping to care for her because she was so poorly. My Dad was her carer, he is very Autistic and needs prompting with everything. Me and my sister did this because Mom was too ill to.

The last week of her life in intensive care I was at the hospital constantly and I must have sanitized my hands a thousand times.

Today I zoned out after filling in the accident books

In my head I sat at my Mom’s hospital bed holding her hand talking to her, while the machine kept her alive. I saw her open her eyes and smile at me and mouth the words, “I love you!” I smiled and said, “I love you too, Mom!” Then she said, “I love you more!”

A while ago I wrote something about my understanding ofΒ  grieving

This is what I wrote….

I think grieving for those on the spectrum takes longer.

This is what I think about my own grieving for my Mom.

First of all, when I cry it physically hurts…so I don’t like crying.

I understand now that crying is a release but I can only do this with God.

I can’t cry around people I have to isolate myself first.

My visuals are so real that I can still visit my Mom in my head.

This can loop for days, I can still have the conversations we used to have so when I come away from that and realise she has gone, I have to work through it all again.

As well, Mom was my best friend she let me be me, she listened and we laughed together.

I miss talking to her, communication is hard with most people so when you lose anyone you can talk to it is devastating.

Being an Aspie is VERY lonely. We want to talk and have friends but people get bored of us and use us.

We get excited about relationships and then let down.

My Mom was always there for me, so when this happened I had someone who understood and looked after me.

Hugs don’t change anything for us. We want to feel loved but it’s through being listened to and knowing that someone will be there.

Also as an adult I don’t like to cry, because I know once I start it becomes uncontrollable.
I have years of shutdowns and meltdowns under my belt and I know how they affect those around me, as well as how they drain me.
I don’t want to hurt those around me so I hold it in and I hurt myself instead.
So…in a way, to actually grieve I have to feel that I can, and that those I love can cope with me being a mess.

I really don’t know how long it will take

For me to stop hurting everyday about my Mom. I am glad I have found what was triggering such misplaced emotion and confusion. But I know that this is only one trigger. I can see now that I can’t always understand what is causing hurt within me.

I have my counselling on Friday so I will bring this up then.

I’m feeling fine by the way

I get a lot out of writing and sharing my journey.

Also… I know that when I share my friends pray, and I believe in the power of prayer.

I’ll let you know what my counsellor comes up with.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx πŸ™‚


20 thoughts on “Smells, shutdowns and grieving.

    • Thanks slp,
      I always know that you will read my posts.
      Thank you for that, and ALL the many comments you have left me.
      You are so encouraging.
      Love and hugs my friend.
      Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

  1. You can talk to me any time and I promise I will not butt in. Although this is a trait of mine, I miss that you don’t talk to me about things any more. I am a good listener. I know you don’t like to worry me and I may not always completely understand but I love you and need you need to know I will always listen. Love you xxxx

  2. As regards missing your Mom. That feeling will visit you throughout your lifetime. I miss my Family terribly at times but I have learnt to accept that this is part of life and something we have to live with to our best ability. I have the comfort of knowing that they are in a better place and not suffering in any way. Your Mom’s legacy lives on in her children and their children. Love you xxxx “One day at a time”

  3. Oh sweetheart. *hugs*

    I’m so glad you were able to write this out, sometimes it makes more sense when we can read back over it, doesn’t it?

    Much love xxxx

  4. Hi Lisa!

    I am so sorry that you have to go through this but at the same time I am happy for you because it is going to bring you long needed peace at some point.

    It is truly great though that you caught a loop. The worst part of having these cycles is when you don’t know why you are cycling. It can drive me crazy trying to figure why I am sad or feeling emotions I do not know how to articulate. The shutdowns/meltdowns have gotten better because now I say it out loud. I tell David what I am feeling, he no longer tries to “help me”, he just let’s me rattle through my thoughts. Sometimes I find my trigger sometimes I don’t but it makes a big difference saying what is in my head out loud or writing on my blog. Sometimes I can’t catch the loop though but it helps the next time I feel something similar.

    I am very sorry for the loss of your mom. I know that you just made a huge step into helping your grieving process. Recognizing that you not only need to but you are ALLOWED to, is huge. And you know Jesus is wrapping His arms all around you through all of this. πŸ™‚ Plus you have all of our virtual hugs!! {{{{{{ }}}}}}

    Love you a bunches and bunches!!

  5. Hugs and love to you. You are an amazing person to be able to sort out what is causing the loops and to address the issue. I’m pretty good at pushing things away and trying to forget about them.

    I’m sorry about your mom. That’s one that is not an easy one to go through. The worst is that people expect you to be past it after a few months and that’s not necessarily the case. Grief can take years and rear its ugly head at a moments notice—a sight,smell, song can trigger it.

    All my love and hugs–y

    • {{{hugs}}} Lizbeth…you are amazing and so very strong.
      When I think of what you have been through.
      You have such a great heart my friend and I am so glad we have met.
      Thank you so nuch for you comment and you love and hugs.
      I know you RERALLY mean them.
      Love you loads.
      Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

    • Love you Chloe, you are such an encouraging friend.
      Thank you for being just who you are, you are so very lovable.
      Love you loads.
      Lisa. xxx πŸ™‚ {{{munch}}}

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