Strange title isn’t it, but I really didn’t know what else to call it.
I’m trying to piece something together at the moment, so I’m just going to babble and go off on Aspie tangents and I’ll see what I come up with. I have already made a few links and connections in my thoughts and reactions…Ooo that rhymes, there maybe a poem about to be born…giggle.
No, poems come at the end of prayers for me.
This is what has been happening
Yesterday I had a mega meltdown, I felt it coming on before I went to work. I held it together and then when I got home it exploded. I was a complete mess. I got so emotional I was throwing up and my crying was so loud my sister actually heard it from outside the house. She was dropping some food off for my dogs, she stayed with me and had a cup of tea. I calmed down while she was with me and then started up again when she left. I can’t cry in front of anyone, I don’t know why. I have learnt to swallow it and pretend so well now.
I pushed it all down and got on with being Mom
I can do this, it just means forgetting I exist and focussing on something else. I went to a supermarket and walked straight past one of my close friends, I didn’t even see her. She saw me and called me but it took me about 10 seconds to place who she was.
The amount of emotion made no sense, the thought that was looping didn’t match the hurt I was feeling. I was grieving but I didn’t understand this at the time.
Today at work it all came together.
I am on first aid this week, I have a lot of crying children to look after. I feel their hurt and upset, I want to hug them make them feel better, but child protection rules say NO! Everything has to be written down and to the book. I find filling in ALL the accident books and forms hard with my dyslexia.
So add up the sensory…
Hurt child means crying and emotion…I know I absorb emotion.
Also I am overloaded with paperwork which I can do but I’m slow at it, so when I have 4-5 kids all crying in a small room it is quite draining.
But this is what pulled it all together…. Hand washing, and using hand sanitizer.
I didn’t realise the smell of alcohol hand rub was giving me visual loops and past conversations. I am so used to my head being so busy I just block out what I don’t want to remember.
October 2004, age 55, my Mom died.
I spent every week day for the last 3 years of her life helping to care for her because she was so poorly. My Dad was her carer, he is very Autistic and needs prompting with everything. Me and my sister did this because Mom was too ill to.
The last week of her life in intensive care I was at the hospital constantly and I must have sanitized my hands a thousand times.
Today I zoned out after filling in the accident books
In my head I sat at my Mom’s hospital bed holding her hand talking to her, while the machine kept her alive. I saw her open her eyes and smile at me and mouth the words, “I love you!” I smiled and said, “I love you too, Mom!” Then she said, “I love you more!”
A while ago I wrote something about my understanding of grieving
This is what I wrote….
I think grieving for those on the spectrum takes longer.
This is what I think about my own grieving for my Mom.
First of all, when I cry it physically hurts…so I don’t like crying.
I understand now that crying is a release but I can only do this with God.
I can’t cry around people I have to isolate myself first.
My visuals are so real that I can still visit my Mom in my head.
This can loop for days, I can still have the conversations we used to have so when I come away from that and realise she has gone, I have to work through it all again.
As well, Mom was my best friend she let me be me, she listened and we laughed together.
I miss talking to her, communication is hard with most people so when you lose anyone you can talk to it is devastating.
Being an Aspie is VERY lonely. We want to talk and have friends but people get bored of us and use us.
We get excited about relationships and then let down.
My Mom was always there for me, so when this happened I had someone who understood and looked after me.
Hugs don’t change anything for us. We want to feel loved but it’s through being listened to and knowing that someone will be there.
Also as an adult I don’t like to cry, because I know once I start it becomes uncontrollable.
I have years of shutdowns and meltdowns under my belt and I know how they affect those around me, as well as how they drain me.
I don’t want to hurt those around me so I hold it in and I hurt myself instead.
So…in a way, to actually grieve I have to feel that I can, and that those I love can cope with me being a mess.
I really don’t know how long it will take
For me to stop hurting everyday about my Mom. I am glad I have found what was triggering such misplaced emotion and confusion. But I know that this is only one trigger. I can see now that I can’t always understand what is causing hurt within me.
I have my counselling on Friday so I will bring this up then.
I’m feeling fine by the way
I get a lot out of writing and sharing my journey.
Also… I know that when I share my friends pray, and I believe in the power of prayer.
I’ll let you know what my counsellor comes up with.
Love and hugs everyone.
Lisa. xx 🙂