This post is going to be a lot about my faith. I’m telling you now so you have the opportunity to click off if you are not interested in the Alienhippy’s personal walk with Jesus. I’m kind like that you see, it comes down to me once being in a religious sect and having my sin thrown at me and the Bible rammed up my nose. There might be an occasional scripture to read too, I’ll see how it goes with my babble. So that will mean clicking on the links and actually reading the Bible.
“Ooooo, are we REALLY brave enough to do that Lisa???”
I think so little voice, thanks… but shut up.
So today is Sunday and I went to Church.
Those who follow my blog will know that some weeks I can’t always cope with Church.
I can find the environment FAR too over stimulating and then crash on the Monday, this is not good when you have two Aspie kids to get to school. But today I knew I would be fine.
Now this may seem a bit strange to those who don’t know me, or understand about how Aspergers affects me. I find Church easier to cope with if I turn up a little late, and sit at the back. I know God doesn’t have a problem with this, but I know some people do…I’ll be honest, I’m REALLY past caring what people think of me with my walk as a Christian. They don’t have to live inside my head, they don’t know my heart and they don’t know my life either. Those who know, love and accept me know the exact reasons why I do this, and I’ll leave it at that. 😉 xx
Anyways, the Church Sermon was BANG ON!
*Annette* was preaching, I love it when she preaches she is from a Pentecostal background and is now an Anglican Priest. She is so very gentle and loving in her ways.
Her sermon was from 1 Peter 2:2-10, and I thought GREAT I’m into the letters (Epistles) I have been getting LOADS from 1 Peter 1 in my personal Bible study. So I got out my dinky note pad, it’s palm size everyone was looking at me when I had a bigger one (Anglican Church remember).
“Errrrrgh… the eyes…stop looking at me!” as my *AJ used to shout in pubs while eating.
Giggle, I’m too naughty to be a Christian really, it’s just the way I’m made, I like a good old giggle.
God gets me, good job really!
*Annette* preached about “ALONENESS” and how Peter was addressing the Church on being Aliens and Strangers in this world. (Cue music from the Twilight Zone…D, d, d, derr, d, d, d, derr) hehehe
I won’t tell you all of the sermon because I got SO MUCH out of it, it will be aiding my Bible study for the rest of the week.
But I will tell you about what happened after the service.
Some time ago I made a decision
This decision was to avoid ANY form of Christian leadership, unless God tells me otherwise. I have found, in the past, when I became involved in any type of leadership role, I got distracted from keeping my faith simple. (This is just me, the way I am and the struggles I go through)
Jesus said in Luke’s Gospel, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”
I have to keep things simple it’s the only way I can stay close to God. It’s also the only way I stay on top of my day to day life. I get too involved and then it loops and takes over ALL of my thoughts. Many people refuse to accept this as a reason for not being more involved, but at the Church I attend some people do listen to what I say.
I also made a decision that I would NOT allow myself to imitate Church leaders. I would see their Christ-like qualities, acknowledge that God works through them, but always look to Jesus.
The sermon really spoke to me, I found myself wanting to tell *Annette*
I know I have this tendency to want to talk about God a lot, and this can cause me to chase the preacher around the hall wanting to know more. So I prayed about it during communion and asked God to bring *Annette* to me if I NEEDED to talk to her. Well, yes He did that alright, she came and sat at my table during coffee. Great, you are all thinking! Lisa gets to chat about God with someone really friendly and over coffee too. It’s like her Aspie dream come true.
So what goes and happens, I freeze… that’s what, it’s what always happens. So I start messing with my Blackberry and start kicking myself inside. Having my practise, rehearsed, imaginary conversation at what I would say if only I were “normal” and my brain could keep up in a group conversation.
I looked up and she was looking straight at me.
She gave me a look, you know the one that says, “I know you want to say something to me Lisa!” I’m not frightened of *Annette’s eyes, she has very kind eyes, it was just everyone else at the table. But I managed to speak and I said something like this.
“I know that ALONENESS you speak of, it can be all consuming some days. I don’t know if it’s my Autism or if it’s my Christianity. Maybe it’s a combination of both. I know when I’m at the depths of my pit, I feel like I’m scratching at darkness. I’m screaming inside for someone to give me a helping hand, toss me a rope or pass down a ladder. I pace around in circles and my mind races with frantic and paranoid thoughts. It’s only when I’m curled up in a ball in my conservatory, rocking and crying out to God, that I then realise, even in the depths of loneliness and despair, Jesus is with me and knows about isolation, rejection and aloneness. Then I realise that God’s love is what I can climb out through. I’m never really alone.
I watched a windsurfer, he kept falling off his board every time he tried to turn against the wind. I also watched a Sea Gull hovering and resting on the wind beneath his wings. The Gull was using what he has been given as a bird, to maintain a stillness in a gusting wind. The trees, the grass, the tall May flowers, the water and the windsurfer were all moving the being tossed around. But this Gull was Still and trusting in his ability of flight.
I’m an Aspie, I’m also a Christian.
Aloneness…is NOT loneliness, it can be a choice. I have close friendships with very few people, and I am SO very content with those few friendships. It’s only when I look to what is seen as the “norm” what the world tells us we SHOULD have. Or when I’m too concerned by what people may think of me, that I fall back into my pit. I think I need to look more at who God created me to be, and less at what the world wants me to be, and has conformed me into being. Then maybe I can use what God has given me and learn to rest in my own stillness.
These are the reading from our service this morning for anyone who wants to read them.
Have a great week!
Love and hugs everyone. xx 🙂