Anxiety…from an Aspie Mom.

Me, my Mom and my Nan, on my Christening day.

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I woke up early this morning and had quite a few thoughts so I decided to write them out.

I have been reading quite a lot lately from parents who have ASD kids, age 7-10, on their worry concerning childhood anxiety.

I wrote out quite a lot of my thoughts for my close friend yesterday. I thought today I’d share a little of what God has been helping me to understand. This is from my own life and from what I can remember. Also my experience as a parent to ASD kids for 17 years.

So this is how I see it and some of the troubles I’ve faced.

I think my anxiety and nervous habits kicked in at about 7-8 years of age. I also think that it was at this age that I started to understand that my words, or lack of, also my actions…had consequence.

I didn’t know what to say or whether to say anything

I seemed to get told off for both. My body just did things, it expressed for me, if I felt like hanging upside down or having a wee in the middle of a street I didn’t understand that I wasn’t supposed to do these things. Between 7-10 years of age I started to understand simple things like this and I knew I wasn’t a baby anymore. Before this age I would constantly run away from things that caused me to be afraid or confused, my Mom would chase me, catch me, and calm me. But now I knew I was getting bigger and I felt that my ways were annoying to people and I developed my LONG term enemy of, “I don’t want to be a nuisance!”

At this age, I still felt like a baby

Babies didn’t have to think and could just be. So I’d use my baby voice but that would get me told off too. I was told at this age I was old enough to know better, but I didn’t. I remember asking if I could go horse riding because everyone said I was a big girl now, and then I was told I was too young and little to go horse riding. None of this made any sense to me at all, and I just thought no one liked me.

My meltdowns didn’t go away but I was learning where I was safe to be me. Having to control my only way of expressing was not easy but I was learning how to do this, and I think this is where the anxiety kicked in.

At school I was perfectly behaved….

Reason being… I was either bored stiff or frightened to death most of the time.

Some teachers were particularly terrifying and I went through a bad phase of bed wetting because of this. At this age I also would wet myself because I was too frightened to ask the teacher if I could go to the toilet. Of course this then caused teasing from the other kids.

My teacher at this time was very unpredictable, she was either very nice or quite the opposite. She would shout and click her fingers in my face. She also used to always make me sit by her feet at story time, and her feet used to make me feel really sick. Of course the curious child that I was, I would sit and stare at her feet trying to work out why they looked SO horribly disgusting.

I also remember this teacher using a fear tactic of telling my Mom, she made me feel like she could stop my Mom from loving me. This is what I think caused the bed wetting.

I developed many nervous habits

Biting and sucking my lips till they were red raw, and chewing away at the flesh inside my mouth. I would do this without realising until I tasted my own blood. I still do this sometimes, but I am aware of it and I am now able to control it and I have my own way of coming through it. I know the trigger and I know how to help myself.

Most of the childhood rituals I developed have now gone.

I see that my *AJ is also able to see his and control the urge to do. *CAL has a little habit that I know she will come through. I am more on top of things with *CAL than I was with *AJ, we learn as we grow….that includes in our Mommying too. I’m a lot more confident now and WILL speak up when I see my daughter in distress and I don’t care what anyone thinks. They haven’t walked in my shoes and down the many wobbly paths that my life have thrown at me.

I see that I am the best Mom for my kids

I may not have all the long words to explain in book language about ASD’s but I have a whole head and heart full of Aspie history, so to me I am FULLY qualified to get my kids through whatever this world throws at them.

I believe ALL parents of ASD kids have this inside of them, they just need to listen to that still small voice that speaks from deep within, then follow the heart of understanding, because the love a parent has for their child is all ANY child needs.

My Mom’s love and acceptance of my ways got me through everything. It didn’t matter that she didn’t always understand me, or even that she had a terrible temper. I ALWAYS knew she loved me.

That’s what she taught me, and that’s what I will teach my kids too.

Love and hugs everyone.

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25 thoughts on “Anxiety…from an Aspie Mom.

  1. I cried as I read this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me and for praying for us.

    You have been an absolute Godsend…I have too much to write here so I’ll process it all and write to you later.

    Love ya!
    xxx

    • Hello my lovely Fi,
      You are a Godsend in my life too, thank you for always being real, open and honest. You are the most amazing friend. I am SO grateful to God for helping us to meet.
      You and yours are always in my prayers, you’re in my lovely loop. 🙂 xx
      Thanks for finding me and helping me out of my pit.
      Thank you for all your prayers.
      I love you my friend, so very much.
      Lees. xxxx

  2. You are the best mom for your kids .No one else can take your place,having experienced , what you have .You are the expert to help them and that is surely a blessing
    Blessings and Hugs
    Eileen

  3. So many memories flooded my mind as I read this from my own childhood. I have been thinking of writing a post about my childhood, especially about my meltdowns and anxiety. You have inspired me to get it out.

    It is so encouraging to read your post for my kids and me.

    Thank you Lisa!!

    Lots of love to you!

    • Hello my friend,
      You write that post, it will be amazing and also it will help to get it all out.
      God has a great way of healing the hurt, it’s hard and it means tears, but it will help.
      You will feel stronger for it and what you write will help SO many.
      Go Angel! ASPIES ROCK!!
      Love you loads.
      Lisa. xxx 🙂

  4. Such a beautiful post Lisa!!

    I love these words so much: “they just need to listen to that still small voice that speaks from deep within, then follow the heart of understanding, because the love a parent has for their child is all ANY child needs.” You are so right!!!

    Missing you my friend and hoping that you are doing okay in Brummy-land 😀

    Love and hugs,
    Chloe xx

    • Hello Chloe,
      Things are fine here my friend, just keeping on top of stuff.
      I hope you and little Stormy are good.
      Glad you enjoyed the post, it was a release to write it.
      Love you loads.
      Lisa. xxx 🙂

  5. Thank you for sharing this – it’s encouraging to hear how far you and your kids have come. One of my biggest fears has been passing on my tendency to worry to my son. But at least the fact that I am learning how to deal with my own anxiety is also giving me tools to help him get past his own as well.

    • Hi Aspergirl Maybe,
      Worry is a big thing with us, I’m a terrible worrier and I too worry I’ll pass it on to *CAL.
      I think you hit the nail on the head. I’m getting counselling to help me with a lot of things and one of them is my tendency to worry.
      I think the misunderstanding we have and being misunderstood too as kids builds up. I know I constantly worried that no one liked me at school, that I couldn’t fit in with the groups of kids, I did everything I could to make them accept me.
      You know what I think I have a post coming on…thanks AM.
      Love and hugs. xx 🙂

  6. Lisa,
    Thank you for writing this! I know you are the best parent for your two and I am glad to hear that knowing you are loved is the biggest thing a mother gives to her children. There have been so many times in the past when I have felt that I failed my beautiful daughter.

    • Sue….you can NEVER fail your beautiful daughter.
      Even in our mistakes, the love we have for our kids helps them.
      I have learnt so much from my Mom and believe me at 19 she REALLY didn’t have a clue what she was doing. But she did it and her love and acceptance of me, my brother, sister and my Dad (who is extremely Autistic) got us ALL through so much of life.
      She was not perfect, but she was the perfect Mom for me.
      Just as you are the perfect Mom for your daughter too.
      We are all learning and on a journey.
      Love and hugs. xx 🙂

  7. This is a very good post Lisa. You are the best Mother for your two, as you will make sure they acquire their own coping strategies because of your experience as a child. I can relate to the wetting yourself at School. My first teacher was like Miss Trunchbull who when you put your hand up to go to the toilet said “NO” so the inevitable happened and she then shouted at you. Vile. I remember her to this day & am convinced she was the reason I hated School, until my Seniors, which I loved. Love you xxxx

  8. This is so open and beautiful. Reading this reminds me of how much of my childhood was controlled by anxiety and trying not to stand out. I couldn’t understand any of it for what it was then – I was busy trying to survive. Now that I can look back and understand some of why I behaved and felt the way that I did, I can appreciate how much my son continues to struggle. To the outside world, he seems to be doing so well, because his behavior is so much improved. But there is a price to having what society views as improved behavior when it doesn’t come naturally to you. Thanks for giving me a lot to think about. Your kids are blessed to be able to benefit from so much insight.

    • Thank you Diane, your comment really touched me. Thank you!
      For every negative there is a positive…well that’s what I hold onto anyway.
      I believe if we use our Aspie thinking in a constructive way we can find ways of changing the way this world moulds Aspies. Each of us has a head and a heart FULL of Aspie history. By sharing what we have lived, how it has been, and how we got through it, we are changing the world a little bit at a time. This will a cause a ripple, we know what happens with ripples.
      I have gotten to a point where I have tried so hard to be accepted that now I just think stuff it, I’m just being me, like me or don’t! I am what I am and God created me this way, I know there is a reason.
      Keep saying it my friend…..
      I am Aspie-happy!
      I’m a multi coloured Rainbow!
      AND…I turn negativity upside down.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. xx 🙂
      NOW…Let’s sing along and happy-dance with George shall we, he always makes me smile. 😉 x
      Such a cute and curious little monkey.

  9. Brilliant post Lisa, thanks for sharing this.
    You’re such a beautiful person, thankyou, this post helps, it’s almost as though you’ve written it for me and J.
    hugs my friend xxxxx

    • Hello Jo, As soon as I read your story I thought of this post. It was Fi’s little *Harley that originally got me remembering all this stuff and once my brain starts to remember it’s like inserting a DVD…hehe.
      I believe that everything happens for a reason and I can turn all this stuff into positive now and use it to help others who are like me. Both Aspies and parents of Aspies. Hopefully somewhere in all my babbling there will be something that will help someone not have to live the pain or isolation I have experienced.
      Love, hugs and prayers coming your way.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

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