Hello my lovely bloggy friends,
I woke up early this morning and had quite a few thoughts so I decided to write them out.
I have been reading quite a lot lately from parents who have ASD kids, age 7-10, on their worry concerning childhood anxiety.
I wrote out quite a lot of my thoughts for my close friend yesterday. I thought today I’d share a little of what God has been helping me to understand. This is from my own life and from what I can remember. Also my experience as a parent to ASD kids for 17 years.
So this is how I see it and some of the troubles I’ve faced.
I think my anxiety and nervous habits kicked in at about 7-8 years of age. I also think that it was at this age that I started to understand that my words, or lack of, also my actions…had consequence.
I didn’t know what to say or whether to say anything
I seemed to get told off for both. My body just did things, it expressed for me, if I felt like hanging upside down or having a wee in the middle of a street I didn’t understand that I wasn’t supposed to do these things. Between 7-10 years of age I started to understand simple things like this and I knew I wasn’t a baby anymore. Before this age I would constantly run away from things that caused me to be afraid or confused, my Mom would chase me, catch me, and calm me. But now I knew I was getting bigger and I felt that my ways were annoying to people and I developed my LONG term enemy of, “I don’t want to be a nuisance!”
At this age, I still felt like a baby
Babies didn’t have to think and could just be. So I’d use my baby voice but that would get me told off too. I was told at this age I was old enough to know better, but I didn’t. I remember asking if I could go horse riding because everyone said I was a big girl now, and then I was told I was too young and little to go horse riding. None of this made any sense to me at all, and I just thought no one liked me.
My meltdowns didn’t go away but I was learning where I was safe to be me. Having to control my only way of expressing was not easy but I was learning how to do this, and I think this is where the anxiety kicked in.
At school I was perfectly behaved….
Reason being… I was either bored stiff or frightened to death most of the time.
Some teachers were particularly terrifying and I went through a bad phase of bed wetting because of this. At this age I also would wet myself because I was too frightened to ask the teacher if I could go to the toilet. Of course this then caused teasing from the other kids.
My teacher at this time was very unpredictable, she was either very nice or quite the opposite. She would shout and click her fingers in my face. She also used to always make me sit by her feet at story time, and her feet used to make me feel really sick. Of course the curious child that I was, I would sit and stare at her feet trying to work out why they looked SO horribly disgusting.
I also remember this teacher using a fear tactic of telling my Mom, she made me feel like she could stop my Mom from loving me. This is what I think caused the bed wetting.
I developed many nervous habits
Biting and sucking my lips till they were red raw, and chewing away at the flesh inside my mouth. I would do this without realising until I tasted my own blood. I still do this sometimes, but I am aware of it and I am now able to control it and I have my own way of coming through it. I know the trigger and I know how to help myself.
Most of the childhood rituals I developed have now gone.
I see that my *AJ is also able to see his and control the urge to do. *CAL has a little habit that I know she will come through. I am more on top of things with *CAL than I was with *AJ, we learn as we grow….that includes in our Mommying too. I’m a lot more confident now and WILL speak up when I see my daughter in distress and I don’t care what anyone thinks. They haven’t walked in my shoes and down the many wobbly paths that my life have thrown at me.
I see that I am the best Mom for my kids
I may not have all the long words to explain in book language about ASD’s but I have a whole head and heart full of Aspie history, so to me I am FULLY qualified to get my kids through whatever this world throws at them.
I believe ALL parents of ASD kids have this inside of them, they just need to listen to that still small voice that speaks from deep within, then follow the heart of understanding, because the love a parent has for their child is all ANY child needs.
My Mom’s love and acceptance of my ways got me through everything. It didn’t matter that she didn’t always understand me, or even that she had a terrible temper. I ALWAYS knew she loved me.
That’s what she taught me, and that’s what I will teach my kids too.
Love and hugs everyone.