Hello my lovely bloggy friends,
I have been thinking today about the upset and emotional damage caused by people who expect those who are high functioning, on the spectrum, to conform entirely and not show any signs of Autism.
I’m talking about people who say they are tolerant when actually they feel that they can fix us.
I get a little upset with this kind of thinking.
I don’t need fixing, or curing. I don’t know how to be any other way. It’s how I’ve always been. So wanting to make me into who they want me to be, is just another way of saying I don’t like who you are Lisa, and I want you to be who I want you to be.
This is just a ridiculous notion really,
We are all individuals, we are all unique, none of us are the same.
To my understanding, in this world everyone is struggling to look like they fit in some way or another.
Most people are looking for approval, for whatever reason.
Is pointing out flaws just another form of distraction from self?
Being an Aspie myself
I have had many people in my life who I have wrongfully trusted.
People who I have felt were genuine and accepting of me and of my ways.
Only to find after time, that they only accept a part of me. The part that pleases them.
Any of my different qualities they have found offensive and unacceptable.
They have either told me, or manipulated me into being who they want me to be.
Not who I am, who I am created to be.
Unfortunately in my younger days, the fear of rejection and isolation was so strong I would willingly have done anything to keep the false approval of these “SO CALLED” friends.
The emotional damage caused by this is now something I am having to work through with my counselling.
I took a photo of my CAL the other day
She was eating a whole plate of Broccoli. She doesn’t like things to touch on her plate.
She’s a VERY picky eater and I have to do what I can to get her to try new things.
I know that in some homes of those that know me, CAL eating all this Broccoli would be totally unacceptable.
But this is who she is, and I love her completely.
If this helps her to experience new foods then this is what will be done.
Those who love and accept her for the amazing creation she is, will do this too.
This also made me think,
Why is it then, that because I am 41 now I am suppose to ignore all my Aspie callings?
When my brain is ticking and I need to write it all out, why do some say I need to stop obsessing?
I am what I am, I have always had my special interests. I have always been obsessive.
It’s how I learn, it’s my way, it’s how I’m wired.
I have noticed that as long as what I do is not visible, no one has a problem.
BUT… as soon as I stop bending to everyone else’s beck and call.
Everything that I do is seen as obsessive, selfish or over the top.
Yes I learnt to conform, but in the process I became a bit of a doormat.
Just because I’ve grown up, doesn’t mean I’ve grown out of being Autistic.
I’ve just learnt to hide it REALLY REALLY well.
I still want to pace around in circle when I’m upset or stressed.
I still want to focus totally on my own interests.
I still want to do my happy dance when I’m excited.
I still like seeing things spin, I find it calming.
It just seems that the only place that this is acceptable for a 41 year old woman is in God’s eyes,
and with a few very close and loving people.
High functioning Autistics living in a way that is seen as “normal”
In my opinion, are the most amazing, giving, accepting and selfless people I know.
Because I know how hard it is for me to switch off my brain.
To do all that needs to be done to fit into a mould of conformity, that this world says is the norm.
But I ask….. is it really?
Or is being who we are as individuals, far more exciting, interesting and adventurous?
Who knows, we are ALL just doing our best.