Yes, I’m an ASPIE…
Which bit don’t you get?
My day today has been turned upside down, my emotions have been all over the place and to be perfectly honest I can’t really be bothered to write. I’m in a stinking mood and feeling like crap.
Be warned this Aspie is not in her Aspie-happy today.
So why am I writing???
I write because it helps me to express what is really going on inside me.
I can’t always verbalise it, I try but I can’t find the words.
I get talked over the top of, and then I get angry, which then causes me to loop!
You see…I put on such a good act for everyone, for SO very many years.
I have always been the good girl, who quietly does everything to make everyone happy.
I have just about had enough of those who do not accept that I need to be myself.
Yes, I’m an Aspie, I’ve always known that I’m a little different.
I have hidden my quirkiness EXTREMELY well, I learnt to conform, it’s not like I had a choice really.
Society made sure of it, it pushed me into a mould and told me,
“If you act like yourself, everyone will think you are weird!”
“If you say what you think then everyone will know you’re a freak!”
SO….I pretended to be shy, shy people can hide, if I wear black I can actually feel invisible.
For 41 years I have allowed myself to be manipulated and controlled.
I have been so insecure about the way I am, that now I always think I’m wrong.
I have imitated those around me to fit into different environments.
I have made myself do things, that I have found extremely hard to do, or not really wanted to do.
I have been told my fidgeting is embarrassing.
My nervous habits are frustrating.
That my repetitive and obsessive behaviour is selfish.
So basically….I am wrong, wrong, wrong. I don’t fit, I am abnormal.
Well today I snapped and let me tell you.
I have always been a fidget, it’s the only way I can actually listen…I’m sorry If this is embarrassing.
My nervous habits are called stimming, and self soothing. I have learnt to control them.
I can focus them now, and use them to my benefit…Sorry that this frustrates people, I have to do it.
My repetitive and obsessive behaviour, is how I calm myself from the overstimulation of living in a world that doesn’t, or refuses to accept .
I find safety and comfort in my special interests. You may find them boring, but I don’t!
This may also seem selfish to some, but to me it’s a way of emptying all my many, many thoughts and a distraction from all my replaying visuals. I find this is MY way of working through all the hurt that living undiagnosed, being misunderstood, abused, used and rejected my whole life has caused.
Yes, I’m an Aspie…Which bit don’t you get?
Because for me… it’s the first time in my life that my life has made any sense!!