Yes, I’m an ASPIE…Which bit don’t you get?

Square peg, round hole!

Yes, I’m an ASPIE…

Which bit don’t you get?

My day today has been turned upside down, my emotions have been all over the place and to be perfectly honest I can’t really be bothered to write. I’m in a stinking mood and feeling like crap.

Be warned this Aspie is not in her Aspie-happy today.

So why am I writing???

I write because it helps me to express what is really going on inside me.

I can’t always verbalise it, I try but I can’t find the words.

I get talked over the top of, and then I get angry, which then causes me to loop!

You see…I put on such a good act for everyone, for SO very many years.

I have always been the good girl, who quietly does everything to make everyone happy.

Today…..pfft!

I have just about had enough of those who do not accept that I need to be myself.

Yes, I’m an Aspie, I’ve always known that I’m a little different.

I have hidden my quirkiness EXTREMELY well, I learnt to conform, it’s not like I had a choice really.

Society made sure of it, it pushed me into a mould and told me,

“If you act like yourself, everyone will think you are weird!”

“If you say what you think then everyone will know you’re a freak!”

SO….I pretended to be shy, shy people can hide, if I wear black I can actually feel invisible.

For 41 years I have allowed myself to be manipulated and controlled.

I have been so insecure about the way I am, that now I always think I’m wrong.

I have imitated those around me to fit into different environments.

I have made myself do things, that I have found extremely hard to do, or not really wanted to do.

I have been told my fidgeting is embarrassing.

My nervous habits are frustrating.

That my repetitive and obsessive behaviour is selfish.

So basically….I am wrong, wrong, wrong. I don’t fit, I am abnormal.

Well today I snapped and let me tell you.

I have always been a fidget, it’s the only way I can actually listen…I’m sorry If this is embarrassing.

My nervous habits are called stimming, and self soothing. I have learnt to control them.

I can focus them now, and use them to my benefit…Sorry that this frustrates people, I have to do it.

My repetitive and obsessive behaviour, is how I calm myself from the overstimulation of living in a world that doesn’t, or refuses to accept .

I find safety and comfort in my special interests. You may find them boring, but I don’t!

This may also seem selfish to some, but to me it’s a way of emptying all my many, many thoughts and a distraction from all my replaying visuals. I find this is MY way of working through all the hurt that living undiagnosed, being misunderstood, abused, used and rejected my whole life has caused.

Yes, I’m an Aspie…Which bit don’t you get?

Because for me… it’s the first time in my life that my life has made any sense!!

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16 thoughts on “Yes, I’m an ASPIE…Which bit don’t you get?

    • Thanks Tilly, it wasn’t a great day…I notice though that in the bad days I have a choice.
      I can either learn from it, or I can run from it…quote from the Lion King. hehe.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

  1. Tears welling in my eyes….that is all I can say. Well ok not all, I get all the parts. They all make sense and are confirming for me and many others I bet. Take comfort in that your sharing helps so many of us even if others don’t get it. AND many of us have our stims and quirks and obsessive things that no one gets and it is OK!

    Lots of love!!! And some ((((()))))

    Hey are we ready to take over the world today??? After I am done crying of course. 🙂

    • I’m ready when you’re ready Pinky…Are you pondering what I’m pondering.
      How did you get the cat to do the electric slide? You’re amazing Pinky…NARF!!
      I do think however it’s time to stop keeping your protein bars in your shoes.
      I do think all this….echolalia is hurting my Brain…Pinky…Brain…Pinky…NARF!!!
      Who am I again?….CAN NOT PROCESS…TO MUCH INFORMATION.
      LMHO…. giggle giggle.
      Love ya. xxx 🙂

  2. Keep up the good work of being YOU,no matter what others think.
    they have things they can’t bring out in the open like you can .
    I’m proud of you being able to express your self the way you do.You are part of your own therapy and it seems to be working.I am no therapist but I’m learning from you Lisa .It helps us understand others better.
    Blessings and hugs
    Eileen

    • Awwwww, thank you Eileen.
      You are so kind, I only share what comes into my head.
      I find that writing slow own how fast I think and then I can make more sense of it all.
      Love and hugs. xx 🙂

  3. Hello Lisa my friend,
    Great post! Well said!
    Once again, I feel that you have written a post as if you were inside my head.
    You are a great spokesperson for Aspies!

    Thanks for your very clear explanations of what it is like.
    I am very glad that you are you, and willing to share about you in your writing.
    You help me to feel a part of a bigger picture.
    And your blog encourages me so much!

    Love, hugs, and blessings to you and yours,
    Bruce 🙂

    • Bruce…as usual you are such an encourager.
      I look forward to your comments, they always make me smile.
      I think we are quite alike in our Aspieness my friend!
      Love and hugs. xxx 🙂

  4. Don’t you dare change. You are perfect just as God made you.
    In the words of an iconic Aussie movie star:” tell ’em to get stuffed!”…..:)

  5. Hey Lisa – some people will NEVER accept us..simply because we are human and we are always going to be different in some way to many others on this crazy planet. Nobody is nor will they EVER be perfect. Don’t EVER change…but don’t try to be happy when you’re not; and DON’T try to conform either. It’s an impossible task. Just when you DID conform, you’d meet another group of those humans who were different in another way…and then what…conform again?! No!!!!

    Just keep on being you Lisa, because YOU are wonderful. And sod the rest.

    Well done at expressing your frustrations though!

    Love you my friend,
    Chloe xx

    • Hi Chloe my friend,
      You got it so right, I got sick of conforming and then conforming again.
      I’m quite happy being my Alienhippy self.
      I don’t really care any more about having a group to belong to.
      Those who love me know my ways and accept them as part of who I am.
      I won’t change Chloe, I just have to rant it out sometimes.
      Good thing about keeping a blog where you can be yourself.
      People get used to your ups and your downs.
      Thanks for being you.
      Love you too.
      Lisa. xxx 🙂

  6. Sorry to be getting to this so late. Hope you are feeling better by now. You are perfectly wonderful just as you are, and I’m glad you took the time to express not only your own feelings here, but feelings that are shared by so many others who don’t always have a voice.

    • Thank you Diane, you are so very kind.
      I get days like this, I write it out to remind myself.
      It’s good to look through your posts and see how your life is a bit of a rollercoaster ride sometimes. Then figuring out what you learn from it all.
      Love and hugs to you.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

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