Hello my lovely bloggy friends,
Over the weekend I have thought long and hard about whether or not to share this.
As I write this post I am still unsure if I am doing the right thing.
This is a place where I can be me,
I do that by being as open and honest as I feel I can be, so I feel I should share, if I’m going to be true to myself.
I returned for more counselling last week.
There you go, I said it now…lol
In the time I got I came to the realisation that the pressure to conform, all through my life, has given me a very negative opinion of myself.
Also the rejection I have faced over the years, when being myself, has not helped but reinforced a self-rejection of my Aspie ways.
Constantly feeling the pressure to stop having Autistic traits, and do ALL things in a way that is considered “NORMAL” has chipped away and left me with very low self esteem.
I can act, I can fit, I can even perform, I can pretend….but I am still Aspie.
The loops and the replays NEVER go away.
I cannot switch them off and they can get me to a point where I can’t function.
The constant fear of rejection is crippling.
This is why in the past I have isolated myself and chosen to not be around people.
I replay ALL conversations with people I am not close to and in regular contact with.
Here are a few things I remember, that confused little me.
“Stop fidgeting, keep still!”
“Stop running around all the time!”
“You’re speaking all double-dutch!”
“Look at me when I speak to you!”
“You will never learn anything if you don’t listen!”
I heard these words CONSTANTLY as a child.
It made me feel that everything I did (without thinking) was wrong. I understand that the people who said these things were only trying to protect me and help me. I also realise that if Aspergers was visible then I would have been allowed to do what comes naturally.
After all… no one would take braille away from a blind person or stop someone who is deaf from using sign language.
But Aspies can learn to fit to a certain extent, but we will alway be Aspies.
I learnt to imitate and control my stimming.
I learnt to not, flap, clap, jump up and down when I was excited. I learnt to constantly think how to control all my body movements, only really allowing my hands to move. Trying to express myself vocally without being able to move is extremely hard.
I have had to learn by watching and copying.
Peoples facial expressions and body language, I understand now, most of the time.
I have studied people with my…….. what was it again…..giggle.
“frantic and obsessively analytical workings and seemingly obsessive ways”
…(Thank you for the quote God and the source… 🙂 xx)
Yes this is me…it’s how I learn.
It’s part of my Aspieness. I am learning to accept it now.
Aspiness is a part of me. I’m not going to grow out of it!!!
I have been trying to SO hard, and for WAY TOO LONG !!!
My body language,
I mean the body language I was born to use, is not really acceptable in society.
I don’t like it when people laugh at me. It really hurts my feelings.
So… I fit, everyday I put on the mask of my Mom, and then the world accepts me.
I loved my Mom so very much,
She was my best friend and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of her and SO wish I could chat and have a cuppa with her.
I would speak to her everyday and she would talk me through most things.
She made this world make sense for me.
But I grew up in such a bubble,
I didn’t realise that everyone else wasn’t like me.
That is why I have felt like no one likes me my whole life.
I still get shocked when I find out that something I do is TOTALLY Autistic….giggle.
I find God reminds me of who I really am as I read the blogs of parents with Autistic kids.
I find myself saying….Oh wow, yep I remember doing that, it ALL makes sense now.
I’m NOT defective AT ALL, I’m Autistic.
So my journey with my Christian counsellor has started,
This time I’m aware that I am an Aspie with Dyslexia.
I need to learn to accept myself with all my Aspie ways.
As I feel that trying so hard to fit for so long has hurt me so very much.
I have a few very close people who I know accept EVERYTHING that is me.
The important thing is I learn to accept myself and understand that God loves me and everything about me. He made me this way.