“Stop fidgeting, keep still!”

Little 7 year old me, rubbing my wool in my room, with my Boo-boo bear again.

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Over the weekend I have thought long and hard about whether or not to share this.

As I write this post I am still unsure if I am doing the right thing.

This is a place where I can be me,

I do that by being as open and honest as I feel I can be, so I feel I should share, if I’m going to be true to myself.

I returned for more counselling last week.

There you go, I said it now…lol

In the time I got I came to the realisation that the pressure to conform, all through my life, has given me a very negative opinion of myself.

Also the rejection I have faced over the years, when being myself, has not helped but reinforced a self-rejection of my Aspie ways.

Constantly feeling the pressure to stop having Autistic traits, and do ALL things in a way that is considered “NORMAL” has chipped away and left me with very low self esteem.

I can act, I can fit, I can even perform, I can pretend….but I am still Aspie.

The loops and the replays NEVER go away.

I cannot switch them off and they can get me to a point where I can’t function.

The constant fear of rejection is crippling.

This is why in the past I have isolated myself and chosen to not be around people.

I replay ALL conversations with people I am not close to and in regular contact with.

Here are a few things I remember, that confused little me.

“Stop fidgeting, keep still!”

“Stop running around all the time!”

“Calm down!”

“You’re speaking all double-dutch!”

“Look at me when I speak to you!”

“Pay attention!”

“Stop daydreaming!”

“You will never learn anything if you don’t listen!”

I heard these words CONSTANTLY as a child.

It made me feel that everything I did (without thinking) was wrong. I understand that the people who said these things were only trying to protect me and help me. I also realise that if Aspergers was visible then I would have been allowed to do what comes naturally.

After all… no one would take braille away from a blind person or stop someone who is deaf from using sign language.

But Aspies can learn to fit to a certain extent, but we will alway be Aspies.

I learnt to imitate and control my stimming.

I learnt to not, flap, clap, jump up and down when I was excited. I learnt to constantly think how to control all my body movements, only really allowing my hands to move. Trying to express myself vocally without being able to move is extremely hard.

I have had to learn by watching and copying.

Peoples facial expressions and body language, I understand now, most of the time.

I have studied people with my…….. what was it again…..giggle.

β€œfrantic and obsessively analytical workings and seemingly obsessive ways”

…(Thank you for the quote God and the source… πŸ™‚ xx)

Yes this is me…it’s how I learn.

It’s part of my Aspieness. I am learning to accept it now.

Aspiness is a part of me. I’m not going to grow out of it!!!

I have been trying to SO hard,Β  and for WAY TOO LONG !!!

My body language,

I mean the body language I was born to use, is not really acceptable in society.

I don’t like it when people laugh at me. It really hurts my feelings.

So… I fit, everyday I put on the mask of my Mom, and then the world accepts me.

I loved my Mom so very much,

She was my best friend and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of her and SO wish I could chat and have a cuppa with her.

I would speak to her everyday and she would talk me through most things.

She made this world make sense for me.

But I grew up in such a bubble,

I didn’t realise that everyone else wasn’t like me.

That is why I have felt like no one likes me my whole life.

I still get shocked when I find out that something I do is TOTALLY Autistic….giggle.

I find God reminds me of who I really am as I read the blogs of parents with Autistic kids.

I find myself saying….Oh wow, yep I remember doing that, it ALL makes sense now.

I’m NOT defective AT ALL, I’m Autistic.

So my journey with my Christian counsellor has started,

This time I’m aware that I am an Aspie with Dyslexia.

I need to learn to accept myself with all my Aspie ways.

As I feel that trying so hard to fit for so long has hurt me so very much.

I have a few very close people who I know accept EVERYTHING that is me.

The important thing is I learn to accept myself and understand that God loves me and everything about me. He made me this way.

“I am Aspie-happy!”

“I’m a multi coloured Rainbow!”

“I turn negativity upside down!”

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength!”

Philippians 4:13Β (New Living Translation)

28 thoughts on ““Stop fidgeting, keep still!”

  1. yes i understand more about what being an aspie as you call it , is like . no one is like any other person Lisa .We all act differently in situations .We have our own way of doing things .The big thing is what is normal like .Is it what the majority do and act like ? then normal is getting more out of control all the time .If we could all be ourselves it would be great .We tend to do that in our homes but in public we are not ourselves .A lot of people are what we call two faced ,some more than others .but a lot of it is in a sleezy ,sneaky way .i hope I’m not confusing you .lol
    If people don’t like me than so be it ..

    Be your self Lisa
    because most of us really are not
    Eileen Thanks for your post

    • Hello Eileen,
      Thank you for all your comments, you never miss a post.
      I will try my very best to;
      Discover, remember and enjoy being just who God intends me to be.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

  2. Counseling is so wonderful! I’m glad you’re talking to someone. You’ll get the tools to help you get to a more permanent Aspie happy. Good for you. Many people don’t have the guts to get help for themselves. I’m proud of you! I love you!


  3. Hi Lisa,

    I could so relate to your post. Especially about growing up not knowing about Asperger’s/autism, and the negative impact (of not knowing) on our self-image.

    I’m glad you are meeting with someone who should be able to help you better accept yourself as you are. We here in Bloggyland certainly accept you and cherish you just as you are, as I am sure your family does too.

    But I know how hard it is to accept ourselves after a lifetime of feeling that we don’t fit in.

    Thanks for sharing your journey. It really helps me to feel less alone, seeing my own experience described in words by someone else who has had a similar journey!
    And you have such gift for putting it into words. πŸ™‚

    Keep happy, Aspie happy!
    Bruce πŸ™‚

    • Thank you Bruce,
      I always find your comments so encouraging.
      We are very similar I think.
      I had this same counsellor before, she is very good.
      I feel very blessed to have her again.
      Love and hugs my friend.
      Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

  4. Thank You for writing this Lisa. To be honest it really upset me because I have said those things to Christian.I try really hard to be more aware now of when and why he gets ‘the wrigglies’ as we call them.More than anything in this world I want my boys to be happy being themselves and to feel accepted for who they are.I am going to print this one out for my husband to read.And I will try even harder.

    • Dearna… I just emailed you, check your inbox my friend.
      I really don’t want you to be upset you’re a wonderful Mommy.
      It was the way these things were said to me.
      They were shout and never explained properly.
      You love and accept your kids and would do ANYTHING for them.
      I write for therapy, this is my mess from my past.
      Don’t take this on board it’s NOT your mess my friend.
      I’m so sorry that my clumsy words have upset you.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. xxx

  5. You be you sis, the people who don’t like it can stuff their fussy face’s where the sun doesn’t shine.

    You are beautiful inside and out, just as God intended you to be.

    One of Moms favourites by Whitney Houston. Mom once said this was the hardest thing to do of all things, but to learn how to love yourself the way God wants you to (after all it shows Him the appreciation He deserves for making us) is the greatest love of all, leading us to a deeper love and appreciation of God and others.

    Gods filled your heart up with Love, time to start leaving yourself some. You’re so lovely and wonderful and amazing, you really should know it.

    And this is my song recommendation for you.

    I love you xxx πŸ™‚

    • Thank you little sis,
      Mom always had the answers and made everything make sense, or seem better anyway.
      I remember her singing that song, she loved singing.
      Probably where I get it from innit.
      I love that Christina song I haven’t seen the words to that before,
      I see why you recommend it for me…. πŸ™‚
      I love you too. xxxx

  6. Hi Lisa, I just wanted to send you a word of encouragement, that as you write this blog, and you are yourself, and so open, and strive to be more accepting of yourself…as you are on this journey, you are amazingly helping all of us readers along with you–your use of words and poetry and art, all help me understand my own children with autism (and without) better. Your perspective is wonderful πŸ™‚ and helpful for unknown numbers of people & parents!!

    • Wow Merri, you made me cry.
      I really don’t know what to say. I share from my heart in the hope that little children on the spectrum will benefit from what I have lived and what I am learning.
      Your comment has left me speechless Merri, thank you.
      Love you.
      Lisa. xxx πŸ™‚

  7. Ohh, my silver lining, have I mentioned how I can see my son and me, as a parent, through your words? I can see what I do and how it affects him by what you write. I have told Alex to stop fidgeting and I can see how silly it is now. I have just recently started to understand that he is who he is—tics and all–just as he was meant to be. It hard to see you struggle and I’m glad your seeing someone–I did for a while—and it does help bring clarity to things. Thank you yet again for bringing claarity to me so I can be a better mom to my Alex. ((hugs))

    • Hello Lizbeth,
      I know you are a wonderful Mom…. πŸ™‚
      I don’t have to know you to see this. You read the blogs that you know give you perspective on all that is Aspie. I see the lovely comments that you leave around and even though I don’t read many comments (because I’m such a slow reader) when I see yours I’m too intrigued not to read them.
      You are a very loving soul and I am so glad our paths have crossed.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. xxx πŸ™‚

      • I swear I need to get a big old box of tissues every time I visit you—you are so sweet and kind to me—hugs.

        Just for you, I’ve added a widget (thank you feedburner) so you should be able to subscribe via e-mail now. Tell me what you think and if it works for you. It’s on the right hand side and it says “subscribe to FSS by Email.”

        I may cuss (its hard to believe but I AM working on it!) and loose the plot, but it’s life and I’m glad you want to be a part of it.

        Love and hugs–L πŸ™‚

  8. I think talking and sharing is wonderful, and I hope this counseling aspect of your journey continues to be helpful and fulfilling for you.

    Love and Peace

  9. I am just now catching up on reading blog posts and wish you all the best with this part of your journey. I have said to myself many times that I would always take the time to explain things to my child when I had one, and ironically I have a child who needs things explained to him just as much or more than I did.

    I am so glad we have the opportunity to learn how to let go of the lies we have believed about ourselves from things that happened in the past and to also make things better for the next generation as well.

    You are touching a lot of lives through your blog, and you are an inspiration!

    • Thank you Aspergirl Maybe,
      you are just so lovely. Your comment was so very kind and I am very grateful for all the lovely comments you leave for me. I am very slow at answering comments, but I do try hard to catch up when I can. I’m so glad you visit my blog, I only wish I could read faster and get round more posts. I will try my best to come and visit you this week.
      Love and hugs my friend. Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

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