Hello my lovely bloggy friends,
Those who are regular readers of my blog know that this is a place where I can be me. I have ups and downs, and I share just what goes on in this Alienhippy’s heart, mind and soul.
My readers also know that I am dyslexic and an Aspie and this makes quite a difference to how I understand this world…or don’t understand this world, I’m still learning….giggle.
My Dad is diagnosed with Autism
He cannot read or write and he is non-verbal outside the home environment. I had an exceptionally loving and accepting Mom, who I learnt to imitate SO WELL that I can fit and not look any different to anyone else. However my personality and my ways are more like my Dad’s, so I have always felt like I wear a mask, and I don’t fit.
The one thing that my Mom taught me
That became totally mine is my faith and love for God in my personal walk as a Christian.
As a child this was easy, religion had not complicated it at all.
But as with everything else, conforming to the “normal” way of life made even this complicated.
I have been trying to get quite a few loops in order over the last few days.
In my last post I was making a few lightening jumps and connections.
I’m still trying to join the dots.
I have kept myself busy and been decorating and writing but I still went into a shutdown.
I do everything I possibly can to avoid shutting down. I hate how it makes me feel. I feel like I’m never coming back out.
I find it SO hard to communicate from this place. I have to write my way back out.
Yesterday I didn’t have a good day
In the morning I had a meltdown…I totally exploded in the most verbal of ways…not good.
In the afternoon I completely shutdown, not able to cope with the simplest of things.
What I decided to do instead of writing poetry which is usually one of my ways back out. I tried to put into words what I feel like at this point.
I explained all this to my hubby and he was amazed because he hadn’t realised that what I experience is a physical response not just an emotional one.
So basically folks, for the past 12 years and 5 months, my lovely hubby has been putting up with what he thought was a nagging and whinging wife….LMHO
So for me this is what it is like to experience meltdown.
I have a thought in my head, something I want to do.
To me it’s all consuming and I NEED to do it STRAIGHT AWAY, it is SO VERY IMPORTANT I can’t risk forgetting this.
You know how we Aspies jump up and down with excitement, clap our hands and do the happy dance.
AND… how those lightening jumps and connections cause us to move and think quickly.
When we talk it out it slows the thoughts, only most people don’t want to listen to us going on and on about what we find interesting, so we stop talking, because we think people don’t like us. Well that’s my interpretation anyway. LOL
Well, when I have something I NEED to do, it is also a physical thing, my whole being NEEDS to do it.
It’s a bit like really really needing the toilet, and not being able to get to the toilet…giggle.
It becomes more important, the more people stop me from doing it.
The stimming starts because I’m trying to distract myself because I am aware that I can’t do it.
Just like anyone would move around frantically if they were desperate for the loo.
But the desperation doesn’t go, and eventually I will explode and anything that gets in my way I have to move.
This will be verbally now, as a child it was more physical.
Learning to verbalise or communicate a NEED is very important in controlling these violent outbursts.
I find it hard to find words and I find faces so confusing at these times.
A shutdown is worse,
for me it is from stress, anxiety and confusion.
The thoughts are just the same, all consuming, and won’t switch off.
Also the body NEEDS to cope with the speed of the thoughts so this is where banging my head and hitting myself as a child came in, later on as a teen self harming in worse ways.
The stressful and negative thoughts become like a headache because you don’t want to think them. You try to get rid of them but they make you angry because they won’t stop.
I can’t cope with anyone touching my head when I am like this. I also find it really hard when someone stares at me.
Having a shower and having the water hit my head is very calming for me, and will switch off some of the thoughts.
Also wrapping a blanket around me and rocking calms this too.
Eventually I will shutdown I can’t keep going with this kind of mental pain.
Imagine it as a fuse board
With lots of switches all of them switched on to full voltage. Then a power surge switches the whole lot off.
Rocking will switch one back on, stimming, pacing, talking to imaginary friends or self, all switch them loops back on too.
When I was younger I could be stuck at this point for days, I would pull my eye brows out and bite the inside of my mouth to pieces.
I know the reason why I did this now.
I didn’t get any help to understand I didn’t know I was any different.
I was made to feel I was being stupid so I couldn’t have the happy loops help me switch back on.
Remember that at this point it is so lonely, I am used to many loops always giving me energy. When they switch off it’s like darkness.
What I am learning is NOT to overload my loops, to express emotions and feelings daily in whatever way I can.
Writing, talking, praying, singing, painting are my best ways.
IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT
FOR ME TO FEEL ACCEPTED AND LOVED FOR BEING JUST WHO I AM.
THIS HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!
I cannot communicate, as myself, with anyone I feel insecure around.
Being told or made to feel I am wrong/defective, is enough to start off a negative loop.
I need to be directed in finding my own way of doing, and the best way that is for me.
Being praised for what I do right and having nice things said to me, will replay in my visual loops and help me in my low times.
I am retraining my brain to think happy thoughts in these times.
I have saved on my Blackberry mobile
Photos of every person in my life who makes me smile.
They are in my lovely loop inside my head, and I carry them with me in my heart, thoughts and prayers every minute I’m awake.
When I’m in a situation where I can feel myself shutting down I get out my phone and look at my visuals.
All the beautiful things about these people then replay in my head and I can keep going.
Sometimes I have to shutdown
It is knowing that I am accepted and loved for who I am that brings me out of the darkness.
As I am learning more about me, my shutdowns are getting shorter.
Love and hugs everyone.
Lisa. xx 🙂