Learning all the time

Me in my box, can you see my Boo-boo bear? I love my Boo-boo bear!!!

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Those who are regular readers of my blog know that this is a place where I can be me. I have ups and downs, and I share just what goes on in this Alienhippy’s heart, mind and soul.

My readers also know that I am dyslexic and an Aspie and this makes quite a difference to how I understand this world…or don’t understand this world, I’m still learning….giggle.

My Dad is diagnosed with Autism

He cannot read or write and he is non-verbal outside the home environment. I had an exceptionally loving and accepting Mom, who I learnt to imitate SO WELL that I can fit and not look any different to anyone else. However my personality and my ways are more like my Dad’s, so I have always felt like I wear a mask, and I don’t fit.

The one thing that my Mom taught me

That became totally mine is my faith and love for God in my personal walk as a Christian.

As a child this was easy, religion had not complicated it at all.

But as with everything else, conforming to the “normal” way of life made even this complicated.

I have been trying to get quite a few loops in order over the last few days.

In my last post I was making a few lightening jumps and connections.

I’m still trying to join the dots.

I have kept myself busy and been decorating and writing but I still went into a shutdown.

I do everything I possibly can to avoid shutting down. I hate how it makes me feel. I feel like I’m never coming back out.

I find it SO hard to communicate from this place. I have to write my way back out.

Yesterday I didn’t have a good day

In the morning I had a meltdown…I totally exploded in the most verbal of ways…not good.

In the afternoon I completely shutdown, not able to cope with the simplest of things.

What I decided to do instead of writing poetry which is usually one of my ways back out. I tried to put into words what I feel like at this point.

I explained all this to my hubby and he was amazed because he hadn’t realised that what I experience is a physical response not just an emotional one.

So basically folks, for the past 12 years and 5 months, my lovely hubby has been putting up with what he thought was a nagging and whinging wife….LMHO

So for me this is what it is like to experience meltdown.

I have a thought in my head, something I want to do.

To me it’s all consuming and I NEED to do it STRAIGHT AWAY, it is SO VERY IMPORTANT I can’t risk forgetting this.

You know how we Aspies jump up and down with excitement, clap our hands and do the happy dance.

AND… how those lightening jumps and connections cause us to move and think quickly.

When we talk it out it slows the thoughts, only most people don’t want to listen to us going on and on about what we find interesting, so we stop talking, because we think people don’t like us. Well that’s my interpretation anyway. LOL

Well, when I have something I NEED to do, it is also a physical thing, my whole being NEEDS to do it.

It’s a bit like really really needing the toilet, and not being able to get to the toilet…giggle.

It becomes more important, the more people stop me from doing it.

The stimming starts because I’m trying to distract myself because I am aware that I can’t do it.

Just like anyone would move around frantically if they were desperate for the loo.

But the desperation doesn’t go, and eventually I will explode and anything that gets in my way I have to move.

This will be verbally now, as a child it was more physical.

Learning to verbalise or communicate a NEED is very important in controlling these violent outbursts.

I find it hard to find words and I find faces so confusing at these times.

A shutdown is worse,

for me it is from stress, anxiety and confusion.

The thoughts are just the same, all consuming, and won’t switch off.

Also the body NEEDS to cope with the speed of the thoughts so this is where banging my head and hitting myself as a child came in, later on as a teen self harming in worse ways.

The stressful and negative thoughts become like a headache because you don’t want to think them. You try to get rid of them but they make you angry because they won’t stop.

I can’t cope with anyone touching my head when I am like this. I also find it really hard when someone stares at me.

Having a shower and having the water hit my head is very calming for me, and will switch off some of the thoughts.

Also wrapping a blanket around me and rocking calms this too.

Eventually I will shutdown I can’t keep going with this kind of mental pain.

Imagine it as a fuse board

With lots of switches all of them switched on to full voltage. Then a power surge switches the whole lot off.

Rocking will switch one back on, stimming, pacing, talking to imaginary friends or self, all switch them loops back on too.

When I was younger I could be stuck at this point for days, I would pull my eye brows out and bite the inside of my mouth to pieces.

I know the reason why I did this now.

I didn’t get any help to understand I didn’t know I was any different.

I was made to feel I was being stupid so I couldn’t have the happy loops help me switch back on.

Remember that at this point it is so lonely, I am used to many loops always giving me energy. When they switch off it’s like darkness.

What I am learning is NOT to overload my loops, to express emotions and feelings daily in whatever way I can.

Writing, talking, praying, singing, painting are my best ways.

IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT

FOR ME TO FEEL ACCEPTED AND LOVED FOR BEING JUST WHO I AM.

THIS HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!

I cannot communicate, as myself, with anyone I feel insecure around.

Being told or made to feel I am wrong/defective, is enough to start off a negative loop.

I need to be directed in finding my own way of doing, and the best way that is for me.

Being praised for what I do right and having nice things said to me, will replay in my visual loops and help me in my low times.

I am retraining my brain to think happy thoughts in these times.

I have saved on my Blackberry mobile

Photos of every person in my life who makes me smile.

They are in my lovely loop inside my head, and I carry them with me in my heart, thoughts and prayers every minute I’m awake.

When I’m in a situation where I can feel myself shutting down I get out my phone and look at my visuals.

All the beautiful things about these people then replay in my head and I can keep going.

Sometimes I have to shutdown

It is knowing that I am accepted and loved for who I am that brings me out of the darkness.

As I am learning more about me, my shutdowns are getting shorter.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx šŸ™‚

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24 thoughts on “Learning all the time

  1. We all shutdown in one form or another and it is always the love other’s that brings us up again…the cause and frequency is different..but love necessary to help us is not…Peace be with you!

  2. Have I told you lately that I love you?

    You are amazing and your insights help make me a better mother ..

    Thank you. Xx

    • šŸ™‚ You make me smile my lovely friend, and yes I think you have told me.
      Have I told you lately that your accepting and loving ways make all the difference?
      You are the perfect Mum for your beautiful kids Fi!!
      Love you and everything about you.
      Leesy. xxxx

  3. Wow, thanks for sharing all of this. I’m so glad you were able to explain it to your husband and that he seemed to really hear you. Being understood and accepted is a wonderful feeling. šŸ™‚

    When I reached a point in my relationship with God where I knew that He loved and accepted me just as I was without me doing anything differently, that there was nothing I could do to earn or lose His love, that was a turning point in my life. It has given me a touchstone, like a secret place, to come back to in my heart whenever my thoughts or experiences start to bounce me around too much.

    And having that with another person (as much as is possible) is such a blessing as well.

    • Wow…thank you Aspergirl Maybe,
      What you shared is very insightful, I see this is something I need to feel. I understand it, but I think understanding and actually feeling this are two very separate things. I am praying to find this peace one day, I know God will answer me.
      Thank you for all your lovely comments.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. xx šŸ™‚

  4. I just can’t believe how strong you are .Lisa. How can anyone possibly go through what you did as a child and still keep going .

    • John 1
      The Word Became Flesh
      1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning.
      3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of men. 5 The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.
      ***************************
      When I read this for the first time I was 26 years old and it took me about an hour to understand it. Jesus was misunderstood too.
      There have been many times Eileen where I haven’t wanted to keep going, but I have always felt that there is something I need to do. So I wait on God. This keeps me going.
      Love and hugs my friend.
      Lisa. xx šŸ™‚

  5. Wow.What you said about ‘needing to do something and it being all consuming’, describes Christian perfectly. I have been thinking about this A LOT lately as even if it is something he shouldn’t do,once he has decided he has to do it there is no stopping him. If I try to distract him he will always come back and do it later. Thank You so much for your honesty in your writing Lisa, like Fi, it helps me be a better Mum to my boys.xx

    • Hi Dearna,
      What I find with myself is if I have an idea I have to follow it through. But if something else comes along that is more interesting I can be very distracted. I can then forget about the thing that is all consuming but usually the other becomes the same.
      I try with my kids to get them to have more than one special interest. That way they alternate. I have just written a post about the books I’m reading. I cannot just read one book at a time. I find it takes over my thinking and then I’m horrible to live with, so I alternate my reading. I also pick books with short chapters as my dyslexia is easily bored and then swirls. That’s why blogging is so good for me.
      Love and hugs. Lisa. xx šŸ™‚

  6. Wow Lisa, Thank you so much for writing all that down–and being able to put into words what goes on in your mind/body–that is really a gift! It really helps me understand my boys better, and hopefully, help me help them somehow as I process all you said. It really isn’t all that different from me, actually. I can relate to so much of what you said!! I’m going to have to come back to this one and think about it some more!! Thank you so much for putting all this out there-you are very brave, and talented!

    • Thank you Merri,
      I write because it helps me to understand myself better. Also the comments I get back I find so reassuring.
      Thank you for all you said I feel very touched and encouraged.
      Love and hugs. xx šŸ™‚

  7. Lisa,
    Thank you for sharing this. You really do help to explain the loop process that too many of us really don’t understand. I’m so glad you do this. I hope today is a better day!
    Love and hugs,
    Suex

  8. Lisa—Every cloud has a silver lining…Have I told you that you are my silver lining? Well you are. You are so amazing to be able to write all this down–all the while having so many loops pulling you in different directions. Know you will always have a friend who loves you for who you are and what you will become…not for the perception of what others want you to be. Does that make any sense?!? Translation–you are one special lady and don’t ever change being you. Hugs–L

  9. I’m sorry that you have this struggle but I’m so grateful that you are able to share it with us non-Aspies so we can better understand what’s going on.

    God bless you.

    • Thank you Tilly,
      To me it’s just a normal way of life. I really didn’t know I was any different to anyone else. Blogging has opened my eyes and now I feel I can grow and not feel so alone anymore.
      Love and hugs xx šŸ™‚

  10. That was an absolutely amazing post! I am so glad that it helps you to be able to express what is going on inside, and I know you give so many people an incredible gift by being able to share what they can’t say for themselves.

    As much as I hate melting down – and I’ve only recently started to accept that that’s exactly what I’m doing – I agree that shutting down is worse. Like you said, “I feel like Iā€™m never coming back out.” BTW, I love learning words that are new to me, and I just looked up “whinging”. šŸ™‚ That’s me all over. I can only imagine what I must look like to my family.

    Reading your blog always helps me to see myself more clearly and to regain my perspective (which I lose frequently). You are an amazing person, and I’m so glad to have met you.

    • Hi Diane,
      I’m so glad our paths have crossed too. It’s so wonderful to not feel like I’m the only one, and not understand why people don’t get me anymore.
      It’s great knowing others who have or understand the way my Aspieness affects my days.
      I’m so glad I started blogging.
      Love and hugs. xx šŸ™‚

  11. I think you are working through adversities and difficult times very well by writing and sharing your thoughts with people, who may also need some assurance and guidance with how they feel. Love you xxxx

  12. So interesting and helpful to read your several blogs on what it is like to have Aspergers – something it is very important for everyone to understand,

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