I have not been feeling too great over the last few days. I have had my frantic thought loop take over ALL of my thinking, and to be quite honest I am absolutely sick of how it is making me feel.
I have been invited to a social gathering,
Not a big one just something small. It is with people I don’t really know but have regular contact with. I can’t get out of it, I have NO choice but to go.
For the whole of this week, the thought of this gathering of people and also thoughts of how in my past I have being the butt end of many jokes, that I haven’t got till replaying them days later.
The fact that I get spoken over all the time.
Also that I feel excluded from groups chatting and isolated by my limited amount of conversation material.
Has all started to affect my sleep, and in my day times it has also started to cause me to shutdown.
This type of event is supposed to be fun. People enjoy them, and look forward to meeting up, chatting and having a laugh.
I SO wish this was the case with me too.
Things I need to remember
1. I don’t always understand their body language, so even if they are smiling and agreeing it doesn’t mean they are interested in what I’m talking about. They are probably just being polite.
2. People usually are not open and will be uncomfortable if I am, most people only talk surface crap. So I need to only talk about the things that they talk about. Mentioning Church or my relationship with God is likely to start the joking off and I will feel very hurt and unable to stay in the room.
3. Try to maintain eye contact because I look shifty when I can’t focus…easier said than done.
4. Remember to not talk about any of my special interests because once I start I get so excited I don’t notice that the person I am talking to is bored of me, and is likely to talk about me to someone else in a condescending way.
5. Understand that even if I tell people I have Aspergers, they won’t have a clue and will probably say stupid things like, “Well you look normal to me!”
And the list goes on and on and on…I just have to laugh it off.
That I will act in one of the following ways, according to the type of people I am….
now this sounds terrible but I’m going to write it (subjected to)
I should write WITH really but it’s not how I am feeling….sorry folks I’m just in one of those moods.
I will either…
Talk nonstop about blogging, poetry, abstract art and ASD’s, not realising I’m boring the crap out of everyone.
Share far too much of who I am with complete strangers, just because they seem nice. I will occasionally have to see them again, they will probably avoid me in shops, because I’m that annoying woman that talks too much.
Or, I may not speak at all and slowly get drunk up a corner, while desperately wishing I was somewhere else.
Now I did say past experience
What I am desperately trying to do at the moment is feed myself with some positive outlooks.
I now KNOW that I’m an Aspie.
I understand that I am wired differently and I also know that people don’t mean to push me out.
People don’t realise that I can’t cope with talking to more than one person at a time.
Also they don’t understand that I can’t maintain eye contact.
They also don’t realise that I am limited in what I can talk about.
Or, that negative conversation causes me upset and visual replays.
They don’t lose sleep themselves because of something they are talking about that they saw on the news.
I will though, so I must remember to excuse myself from these conversations. Or anything else of a negative nature.
It’s all about learning
I am learning about my own Aspie ways and I think that this event, as much as I’m dreading it, will be quite an eye opener for me.
Like I said I can’t get out of it, so maybe I can get “something” out of it.
I wonder what I will learn about myself through this, I’ll let you know!!
Even though I have babbled this out on my blog I still DON’T want to go.