I have a collection of thoughts again, so I’m going to babble and see where I end up…giggle
I hope you enjoy being a part of my many rambling babbles, as I try to make sense of an overload of Aspie loops.
It seems to be the only way I can make any sense of most things.
I think writing slows the loops down and helps me to get to a point. If there is one!!
Sometimes it’s just getting to the point where I realise I’ve totally lost the plot, and I’m speaking out my arse.
But I know you all love me, JUST the way I am! If not then you’ve clicked off by now.
Right so this morning
I was having a read of THIS book, that’s right it’s a Christian book and I’m finding it really helpful.
Those of you who follow my blog know I was in a Religious sect for 4 years, those who didn’t know that welcome to my blog…it’s “A place where I can be me!” I do this by being open and honest.
So yes… I was thinking
about how as a person on the spectrum, this experience has affected me.
We know how Aspies love rules and can mimic, well that’s me.
When I was met and introduced to this sect I was very vulnerable. I was going through a marriage break-up, I had a 2 year old and I was homeless. My heart was hurting big time. This sect offered me something I had never had before…open friendships with people who loved God. This had been something I had yearned for my whole life.
I quickly fell into line and mimicked all the leaders, the rules were given and I obeyed without questioning for the first 12 months. Then something happened, which I can’t discuss here, and I had to pray hard about this.
The answer God gave me was, “Know me better than you know these people!”
I realised that within the first 12 months
of being a part of this Church I had stopped looking to God and was following the mass blindly.
My attitude to being at this particular Church suddenly changed. The more I read and prayed the more wrong , misquotes and twisting of scripture I could see. The damage that was being done to people by other people’s misinterpretation of God’s word was disgusting.
However the accountability with this particular doctrine was so intense, that for me to question was seen as rebellion towards God. And as always in places like this the scriptures on submission to leaders were used. This kind of religion always plays with your fears. I spent the next 3 years fearing condemnation for any thought I might have that went against the religion I was part of.
When I finally left this Church
I had lost my faith, the next 4 years were the loneliest of my life. I had always had a faith and as a child spent a lot of time speaking quite naturally with God. Jesus had always been my friend. After this experience I could not allow myself to believe because I feared the consequences of, what I had been brainwashed into thinking, my rebellion.
People had stolen my faith from me, a Church with wonderful singing and beautiful smiling faces had taken from me in 4 years what I had always held onto.
After 4 years of doubt, worry and fear
I finally decided to go for counselling. This helped tremendously and after 12 months I felt a lot better about life. I can’t express enough how important it is as a Christian to have your own personal walk with God. To know for yourself who you are before our Heavenly Father.
People are people and we all get things wrong. We all have our own opinions and some their own agenda.
When I first went into this sect I could not read very well, I was very naive and far too trusting. One thing I will always be grateful to this place for, it got me reading. Or more to the point, God got me reading. I needed to know the truth and I wasn’t going to just believe what I was told.
I’m an Aspie after all,
I am obsessive and analytical by nature.
It doesn’t take me long to figure something out once my mind is interested, because that is ALL I can think about.
I focus now on keeping my faith childlike.
Jesus told us to do this, and this helps me the most. Looking at blogs about Aspie kids written by NT parents helps me so much, as it jogs my memory to who I was as a child. I haven’t got my Mom to ask anymore, and I’m the oldest child. I’m still learning what is Aspie about me and what is not.
So… I guess there wasn’t much of a point to this babble other than me learning, that even after 11 years the experience of misguided religion still can affect my thinking.
Love and hugs to you all. xx 🙂