Hello my lovely bloggy friends
I decided to have a babble, I have been quiet long enough.
So what am I going to babble about today then??? As I scratch my head look up at the ceiling.
Only kidding I know exactly what I am going to babble about. My *CAL and my nephews Little *J (Jah)
Let me explain this first
On Saturday I had one ALMIGHTY MELTDOWN, which I will say was LONG overdue. My family are all very loving and forgiving. They are trying very hard to understand the journey I am on, it is hard for my older relatives as they have gotten used to seeing me conform.
Through my blog and communication they are slowly starting to understand, that my depression (that I have suffered since I was a child) is actually not depression but an aloneness that has consumed my whole being because of a lack of understanding. Both from others and also from me not understanding myself and where I fit in this world. Having this meltdown actually cleared my head and I was able to function more confidently on Monday morning.
You will know that she has broken her foot. She has two very lively little boys, both on the spectrum, both under 5 years of age. *EJ can only be described as the most beautiful little RAWR!!!!!! He can be SO LOUD. He absolutely loves his dinosaurs and Peppa pig funnily enough.
Little *J is so different to *EJ he loves to concentrate and build things…this as you can imagine give *EJ something he just NEEDS to knock down…let the battle commence. This with a broken foot…well what can we say?
Yesterday my sis rang me
She asked if I could take Little *J to school as she can’t drive. Because *J has severe Epilepsy, which is sleep related, he is not always able to catch the bus that comes to collect him each morning.
Read this later for a young Mom’s perspective on epilesy in her child…I simply don’t know why
Of course I was thrilled
To actually get the chance to take my little nephew to school, also get to look at the special school that *J goes to.
It is SO very different to the main stream school my kids have both attended. My *AJ has coped fine with main stream but my *CAL has struggled since the day she started. Last week she was off school with a bad cold. Not having to cope with the social interaction that she encounters at school, made such a difference. She was able to communicate better and actually explained to me one of her thought processes and her reasoning for daydreaming. By the weekend she was a different child, able to wash, dress and get her own snacks without any prompting. On Saturday she was organising her own activities and made a WONDERFUL Puffle Park out of bits of junk. (Puffles are from Club Penguin)
We had tears about returning to school on Sunday evening and on Monday morning she had shutdown. She didn’t jump out of bed and organise anything. Just the thought of returning back to that routine had drained her. I spoke with SEN about this and they are referring to CAT (Communication Autism Team)
My *CAL follows the rules
She is quiet and does her work. She is bright and academically has not problems, but she clings to the walls when she has to walk in a busy corridor.
When I took Little *J to school
I couldn’t help but think how different things could be for my *CAL if she could attend the same school. This school is so calm, the atmosphere is so WONDERFUL. Little *J eagerly dragged me to his classroom and had the biggest smile on his face when seeing his teachers. The room was very calming and the children all looked content. Little *J has many types of seizures and has to wear a helmet to protect his head if he has a drop seizure. This is the reason why he goes to special school, a main stream would be far too dangerous for him. He is being seen as an individual and treated as a whole person. This school sees ALL of his needs and cater to him at his pace. He has come on in leaps and bounds. I am so grateful to God that my little nephew is SO well looked after.
I know my *CAL will not get this kind of schooling, she is physically fit and able.
The school my *CAL goes to is a wonderful school for anyone able to cope with main stream schooling. She is well looked after, however I am concerned at the difference I notice in her functioning when she doesn’t go. I feel that the social interaction that she has to constantly think through is that draining for her, that all she can do when she comes home is sit and veg.
As I am learning about my own Aspieness
I remember how it was for me. I am becoming more aware of how hard it actually is to just get through a day around people without getting caught in negative looping. This will then invades sleep and builds up to a point of confusion. Then I will either shutdown and stay in the house avoiding most things, or explode and finally start to figure out what I’m actually trying to process in my head.
I understand now the need for my alone time, it’s not that Aspies are anti-social. We just can’t cope with too much Jumble going on in our heads. I actually love chatting, but I can only chat with certain people. People who I know accept me and love me for who I am. I can communicate well if I need to, but I can’t just chat about stuff with people who I don’t really now. I get confused or bored and also can’t cope with their eye contact.
So I was asking myself these things….
Hey Lisa, I wonder how you would have got on at *J’s school?
Also…Would you have had friends, that you could have stayed yourself with?
My last question…Do you think with that kind of help you would have suffered depression, suicidal thought and self harming as a teen?
Simple answer…who knows.
But I don’t want my *CAL as an adult to be sat writing a blog trying to figure out who she is because society has crushed her and conformity has stolen her Spirit.
Here ends my babble.