I have a poem to share with you all today. I wrote this a few days ago and shared it with one of my friends. Friendship is so important, I suppose because I have found friendships so hard over the years I appreciate loyal, open, honest, accepting and loving friendship so very much now.
Reframing an old Tapestry yesterday
I remembered that I found it very hard as a child to have more than one friend at a time. This was partly because I lacked confidence to just be myself, and because I found change hard. I would imitate my friends, thinking this would make them like me.
So when I found a different friend, I felt like I was betraying my old friend. The guilt from this made me feel really hurt inside. To make myself feel better I would then look at my friends weaknesses and find a way of not hurting, by focussing on their weakness not my own.
I remember doing and saying things that I felt were not right.
One time I remember the group of teens I was with, teasing this one girl at school about singing opera. I actually thought she had a beautiful voice, but I was so afraid to not be part of the “in crowd” that I said nothing. I actually giggled with them, and watched this girl cry.
I hate it now when I see things like this, when I see groups of people teaming up against other groups for whatever reason. I have never been able to fit and I have tried so hard to belong.
Yes I’m an Aspie, and I am dyslexic.
I have obsessive behaviours and many quirks that are “normal” for me. I learn so much from reading the blogs of parents of kids on the spectrum, because I don’t really know what is Aspie about me and what is not. I have learned to conform and hide a part of who I am.
I have deep conviction about taking everything that makes me negative, selfish, self righteous etc… and turning it upside down.
I’m not always good at this, I pray a lot. 🙂 I find this helps me BIG TIME.
My negative thought loop is constantly nagging at me
and so is my mental Martha loop.
I don’t have to listen to them, they are full of ANT’s (Automatic, Negative, Thoughts)
I love all creatures but these ANT’s I can step on.
I can listen to my positive loops, the still small voice that speaks so calmly.
Sorry if I babbled, it’s just that you’re my friends and my brain just never stops.
Here is my poem…..
Caught up on the surface
by Lisa Lock
I get too caught up on the surface Lord
Then forget to call out to you
I lose my thoughts and Focus Father
Then to myself I’m not being true
I’m dragged along by all the negative
It makes me focus on the wrong thing
I get distracted from all your positives
And the glorious hope they bring
So today I’m going to clear my mind
And look to your guiding light
When I look to you, you show what’s new
And your ways are a pure delight