Me and my Dad…Time to be open!
I really need to share this because it has held me back for so long and I want to move forward.
It’s not a big deal really, my Dad never deliberately hurt me in anyway.
In fact he always tried his very best to protect and provide for me.
There are two things in my life that have hurt me so deeply that I struggle everyday to not turn from both and hide back in my bubble. I want to share this one though because last night I felt that God told me it was time to open up about it. I need to understand how this can be used in a positive way.
So I am going to try my best to turn this negative in my life upside down.
Hopefully someone who reads this will be able to use it in some way to help them self or people they love. I know me sharing this will only help bring me healing.
My Dad is the one with the monkey on his shoulder.
The other one is my Uncle What?
Yes I have always called him Uncle WHAT!
Because when I was a child all he ever said to me was “What?”
I don’t know if this was my Uncle What’s lack of understanding.
Or because I spoke echolalia as a child or double-dutch as my Nan called it.
My Dad and his identical twin are both Autistic with a low IQ.
Neither of them will read what I’m writing here because neither of them can read or write.
Nobody reading this post would ever use it against them because they have no and have never had any friends. There are only two other people who will read this post who actually know my Dad and uncle. These people are part responsible with myself for keeping them safe, as they are both vulnerable adults. So I know this post will never hurt either of them in any way.
A low IQ???…..How do they work this out then?
My Dad and my Uncle between them can build, repair or invent anything they put their minds to.
BUT….Neither of them can speak outside of the home environment.
They have both extended their own homes. They have drawn their own plans and built from foundation to roof. They are both carpenters and very skilled at what they can do.
However…they both bend plastic in a factory because they can’t speak and cannot cope with going through an interview for better work. They rely on jobs found for them where they can work together because they cannot cope with being separated.
I remember my Nan telling me that when they were kids they couldn’t share anything. She even had to buy 2 identical comics every week.
They both are collectors and always have been.
My Uncle collects some beautiful things and does some wonderful wood turning and carving. He also paints water colours and is an amazing photographer. He collects thing relating to these interests and his home is so beautiful inside.
My Dad, on the other hand, collects things he sees as useful. Since my Mom died we have not been able to stop this collection. It has got a little out of hand and taken over the house. But he is very attached to his collection….. In case you’re wondering…we need help!!
So…you have a bit of an idea to who they are now, they have had it quite hard and have been at the receiving end of much hurt all of their lives.
Now I’m going to tell you a little bit about me and my Dad.
He was 24 when I was born my Mom was 19. I was an extremely demanding baby that needed feeding small amounts every two hours and I hardly slept. My Dad did lots of my feeds and nappy changes and was a devoted Daddy. I know this is true I have seen the photos. I know he loves me.
BUT….I have never felt loved by my Dad. I hate having to say this and I want so much to feel loved by my Dad but I have so much hurt from the rejection he showed me as a child and teenager. I know he never meant to hurt me, I was just too much like him and he hated himself so he pushed me away.
When I was about 14 I remember I was crying in my room and my Mom came to talk to me because she knew how hurt I got by how my Dad spoke to me. She never knew he was Autistic, me and my sister helped to get a diagnoses for him when he was 64, after my Mom had died.
I remember her saying, “He just can’t say it any better, he doesn’t mean what he says he just doesn’t understand how nasty he sounds sometimes.” This didn’t really help back then I never knew what it was that I kept doing wrong and why he treated me like I was a nuisance.
Not being able to share certain things I think must be an Autistic trait
I know I struggle with sharing certain things too. I grew up knowing never to ask my Dad to share any of his food with me. I learnt never to touch any of his collections. But I think one thing that has probably scarred me quite deeply is he never hugged me. I have spoken to my sister so many times about this, I just don’t seem to be able to get past it. My sister is a lot younger than me and Dad had learnt a lot of parenting by the time she came along. So she had a better experience than I did, but she still gets hurt too.
I had 12 months of counselling after I left the religious sect
The damage that this sect did to me through twisting scripture. Implanted fear in my understanding of God as a Father this ran parallel with how I felt in my relationship with my Dad. I realised that I was constantly trying to please God so he would love me, but I never felt loved by this false doctrine and I had a terrible fear of rejection and condemnation.
I see now just by writing this that this has also runs through other areas of my life.
One thing I love about my blog is I can be me.
I can share whatever I want, those who know me well enough accept me as I am. I have learnt and I am learning so much from just being who God wants me to be.
Like I said I know my Dad loves me, he is just a little different.
He is Autistic and he will probably never be able to give me a hug now I’m an adult. He has meltdowns that are quite bad and I see this now. He has a lot of stims that he covers up really well in public. He desperately wants to be accepted but unlike me and my sister he has not learnt how to and will probably never be able to act in a socially acceptable way.
When I read the blogs that I enjoy reading
A lot of them are written by NT parents sharing about their Aspie/Autie kids. I love reading these blogs. First of all they help me remember who I once was, all the quirky little things I used to do that I was told to stop doing. They give me names of the traits that I have and help me to see what my kids do that is Aspie. I don’t notice these things they are just normal behaviour to me. I thought all kids had trouble sleeping and wet the bed till they were 9. I didn’t realise that it’s an Aspie trait to line things up or obsess about collections until I read about it.
But what these blogs also help me to do is understand the hurt that parents feel about Autism when given as a diagnoses. It’s like a grief process as they learn to accept that the idea they had is going to be different to the reality. I really feel for them and feel I sort of know this feeling. Not with my kids as I understand them and their ways. I can predict most of their meltdowns and shutdowns and I know what they find difficult. I relate in a different way as I grieve for an idea of a Dad I would like to have.
This is what I have to accept too, that the Daddy that I would like to turn to when I miss my Mom so desperately is never going to be able to hug me and talk to me and make me feel better. I am always going to have to watch out for him. I have to accept his rejection and understand it’s because he has something on his mind he needs to do. Never expect him to offer to help me out with all the work I need done around my home, that I know he could do so well. I need to never think he will ever consider taking my children when he goes on his many holidays and day trips. I need to learn to accept and forget the idea of who I want my Dad to be for me and the Grandad I would love him to be for *AJ and *CAL.
But…I do have a Heavenly Father who will always love me.
I don’t have to be anything but myself with God, he loves me just as I am. He created me this way.
I know God will help me with this, He wouldn’t have helped me write this post otherwise.