Aspie-happy’s Christmas meltdown.
Do you like the title?…because I do, it made me giggle.
We had a big melt of snow over the weekend when it rained, it turned the snow to slush and then the temperature dropped and froze all the slush making us sheets of compressed ice to walk on. It is so dangerous and so cold the kids, at the school I work in, were not allowed out to play at break time.
Now for my meltdown.
After getting to the point of total meltdown yesterday and working through what I experienced I realised that there are a number of things that have built up for me over the last few weeks. It is mainly the changes in the atmosphere everywhere, rushing around, more noise and flashing lights everywhere we go. Also the way people are acting as they try to control their plans for Christmas and how they want it to be for them.
Every year on Christmas week I get a really bad head cold.
I can never taste the Christmas dinner I have prepared and it is a bit of a drag. I have always just put it down to our British weather and the germs around at this time of year. However I was thinking about this, I don’t catch colds easily I think I was ill so much as a child I built up a good resistance. I catch things when I am run down.
This year I know 100% that I am an Aspie.
I am learning about everything that means to me, and also how I can use this to better equip my children for their lives as Aspies. I was never taught coping strategies and this is why I have been so hurt. I can’t really learn this by reading books, with my dyslexia it’s impossible for me to learn this way. I am learning from my friends and their kids. By reading the personal experiences of parents living their daily lives with their ASD children. When I live something I learn through it.
The puzzle of my life is starting to fit together.
All the things that I have never understood about myself and how I have been treated by others is starting to make sense. How I can be so easily controlled and manipulated by people who think they know what is best for me. I am a person who always thinks I am wrong, or I don’t understand properly. This was caused by my schooling and it has left a massive scar. I listen because most of my life I have not been able to read and understand so I expect to be wrong and I have followed those who seem more certain.
This week my eyes have surely been opened.
I had allowed negativity to creep back into my life. I have trouble controlling my negative and sometimes frantic and neurotic thoughts. When I am over stimulated by everything else I go into auto pilot, so that I can cope with the needs of my children. I shutdown. Once I have shutdown I can become very distant with people. This also affects my marriage as I push everyone away.
I am so thankful for the friendship that I have found here in bloggyland because I can be me here and I am accepted for just who I am.
I blogged yesterday about how down I was feeling.
My lovely friend who I wrote to first sent me a beautiful and inspired poem that I read many times throughout my day, she understands me in many ways and her poem was perfect for me.
I also had some lovely comments left by my bloggy friends and another poem as well, which really touched me as my friend Bruce from “born 2b me” told me that bloggyland loves me when I’m up and when I’m down. I have never experienced this before I usually hide when I get down and don’t tell anyone. I just turn on my cyber-girl and get on with what needs doing. I go back into my bubble.
So I suppose this blog today is just me babbling on about how great it is to be able to see why I am the way I am. There’s nothing that needs fixing with me, I am not broken. I am not a China Doll that needs to be cocooned in a display box and protected from life. How can I help my Aspie kids to feel happy, and find their place in life, if I don’t learn how to understand our Aspie ways and find ways of coping for us.
My Aspie meltdown was totally necessary for me.
It released everything that my brain was bottling up and struggling to process. I have stopped myself crying for 17 years because I needed to be a robot that functioned in society, but my heart was so alone. I felt dead inside because I never let anyone in.
I don’t understand how to do middle ground.
I am an Aspie everything is black or white, hot or cold, positive or negative.
Surface and middle ground just confuses me.
So when I have well meaning people in my life dropping constant hints it causes me a lot of confusion and stress.Which I don’t understand straight away, it all gets stored and eventually it takes over my thoughts. This is why I need to control the amount of time I spend with people who can be negative toward the way I am.
I find people very rarely say what they mean when you see them face to face.
But I store and replay everything that they don’t say and this is NOT good for me.
I just need to live my life, learning as I go, sharing what I learn, because when I write I am happy.