I’m back in my black…Oh no you are NOT!

I’m back in my black…oh no you are NOT!

I woke up this morning extremely emotional. In fact I have just spent the last hour crying, praying and begging God to explain why I felt such a mess.

I just had a look back at my week last week and now I can see. It’s so good for me to blog it helps me to look at just how things, people and environments can affect me.

I wrote a poem this morning I was going to blog it and then I thought …NO Lisa, it’s too depressing.

I emailed it to my friend and I asked her to pray for me. I will share this poem, because I understand what got me to this point now. It was my own insecurity and lack of self worth.

I think a lot of people suffer with this not just us Aspie/Auties. It’s just with the way my Aspie brain is wired up, once an idea is in there I can’t get it back out. It goes on replay and gets so loud in my head I can’t function.

Last week I was constantly having to put myself into stressful situations and environments. I was with people who I know do not accept me for who I am. I let my kids down quite a few times because I was so stressed. Then when I tried to escape from my own emotions I came to bloggyland and found negative here too. This hurt me so much, I wrote my poem…please be nice. Then I wrote my post called Why I wrote…please be nice.

I was quite nervous about blogging that post because I was hurting, but I have a deep conviction about this subject. However even though I had prayed about it and felt good about what I had written I still worried myself stupid all day about it. All this added up got too much for me and I had a meltdown. I tend to internalise my feelings so when they do come out I have no control.

So when I woke up this morning and I cried while praying and then when I tried to write out my feelings I ended up writing this poem, I got a little concerned. I don’t want to go back into isolation it’s a very lonely place. So I am exposing myself here because I need to remember this for next time I have an emotional crisis. My blog is a place where I can be me! It is also a place where I come to find me when I am confused and feeling lost.

I need to remember…..

I am Aspie-happy, I am a multi-coloured Rainbow and I turn negativity upside down.

YES…

I am Aspie-happy, I am a multi-coloured Rainbow and I turn negativity upside down.

I like being my Aspie-happy

I am Aspie-happy, I am a multi-coloured Rainbow and I turn negativity upside down.

And one more time I think

I am Aspie-happy, I am a multi-coloured Rainbow and I turn negativity upside down.

Yes…..BOG OFF FRANTIC THOUGHT LOOP, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!!!

Here is the poem and I have turned it’s negativity upside down.

Thank you God for coming to help me. xxxx

*******************************************************************************************

I’m back in my black

I have lost my edge

I have put my mask back on

I can’t stop crying

I feel broken inside

I don’t know where I’ve gone

I woke up hurting

Feeling all alone

I’m waiting for God to guide

But I can’t hear His voice

This one is so loud

So I have to go back inside

My bubble is safe

I can’t be hurt there

I can focus and maybe I’ll see

I don’t know what has happened

I feel so confused

I know God will come and help me

*****************************************************************

This is what popped up on YouTube today, totally out of category but it really helped me.

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12 thoughts on “I’m back in my black…Oh no you are NOT!

  1. Dear Lisa,

    Emotions come and go,
    Like waves on the ocean,
    You are not the wave
    or the emotion,

    You are lovely you!

    And we all love you,
    When you clown
    and when you frown,
    When you’re up
    and when you’re down.

    🙂 🙂 🙂
    Bruce (born 2b me)

  2. Hi gorgeous;
    You are so open and honest it is truly challenging. I have highs and lows, feelings of loneliness a lack of belief in me but I don’t think I would be able to blog these feelings. You are a multi-coloured rainbow and I want to protect you from hurt that you feel. Yet, I havn’t found how I can.
    You tell that depressive 3rd loop to get lost. Your life is beautiful to worry about these negative thoughts.
    You are so attractive in black but wear only on special occasions where I can say ‘wow’ and thank my lucky stars for you choosing me as your friend and husband.
    Love.
    Aust

  3. Lisa, my sweet friend, you keep your head up!!! You ARE a multi-colored rainbow and Aspie happy! You are an incredibly courageous person for revealing your true self despite your fears. I believe that many Aspies will find their own courage from reading your blogs! Just keep being all the Lisa you can be!!! Hugs!

  4. I love you very much and it hurts me to think you are going through this. However sometimes we need to embrace however we feel and work through it. I often feel this way but as Austyn said expressing this is difficult, especially as you don’t want to affect loved ones.
    You have a lovely Husband and two beautiful Children who are a credit to you both. You also have a barmy Auntie and If it was in my power to take away your pain I would do it. You have taken off your mask of self preservation and have let the walls around you fall. You are an open book who is completely exposed and therefore vulnerable. You can come to me any time and talk. Love you loads xxxx

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