So…explain to me please,
why can’t I have Spag-Bol for breakfast?
I had such a giggle yesterday with my friends
and Fi, “Welcome to the Madhouse”
We left our giggles all over Laura’s blog, I had to go it was morning time for me, the school run was about to start. But I carried on giggling because I just love it when I can be ME.
The person I am created to be!
When I came back… my internet was down and it stayed down all day, only coming on for 5 minutes each time I tried it. I had this post ready to publish at least 5 times, each time losing it as I published. Well anyone who knows anything about Aspergers will know, just how that would have affected me. I had an idea in my head and a post to blog, I felt ready to smash the computer. I was so frustrated, running up and down the stairs trying my *AJ’s pc, then his laptop, then my pc. In the end I had to go to work, where I was not my usual Aspie-happy self. Good job I’m on corridor duty this week really and didn’t have to be the playful dinner lady…hehehe
Well anyway back to the chat and me being myself at long last.
I know that in a way it seems like cheating because I’m in bloggyland and no-one can actually see me. But everyone who reads my blog knows the real me. The one that took off the mask and doesn’t wear black clothes to hide behind anymore.
Apart from when out in society, with people who just don’t accept different. Then I just want to crawl under a rock and come out when they’ve gone. So I will wear the mask again, until it’s safe. To be honest I avoid those situations now, they are just too negative for me.
This Lisa, the one without the mask, is more alive
I am learning to accept myself as an Aspie and also I am learning to understand how this can work really well, in my walk with God as a Christian.
I have noticed that I have become more confident lately because I am learning to love being me, with all my Aspie quirks.
I recently made a big mistake though…..
A few days ago I tried very hard to stop my obsessive behaviour. Trying to do this has caused so much confusion for me as I have many routine things that I NEED to do.
These may seem obsessive to some but to me they are just a part of how God has made me. I tried to stop because of how I thought it looked for those who notice things like that.
I was a real mess, I sat in my conservatory trying to pray. In fact I ended up screaming at God, as I rocked in my chair a sobbing mess.
I had allowed the opinions of society and this world to cross into my very simple understanding.
I grew up in an Autistic home, very much in a Autistic bubble, where we all had our own ways/obsessions. I have never tried to stop them or stop my children from having them before.
Why???…….well to be perfectly honest
I didn’t really know that I had obsessions, I just thought I was a bit intense and slightly eccentric.
To me my behaviour is normal, because everyone in my family is like me.
Trying to stop myself from having my special interests/obsessions and obsessive behaviour, made me feel so ill yesterday I couldn’t eat. I cooked Spaghetti Bolognese the other night, which is one of my favourites. I put mine in the fridge because I had no appetite.
I felt physically exhausted when I went to bed, I woke up at around 3am as usual, and I really needed to pray. God helped me to understand and accept that this is who I am, I have obsessive behaviours and sometimes I can become mildly paranoid. I also now know that my obsessions are harmless and actually very loving.
I am what I am, and that is 100% ASPIE.
God loves me, He made me this way!
So…..I’m learning to love myself too.
So if I want to have my Spag-Bol …for breakfast after being loved up by God… I will!
Stuff society and all it’s stupid rules….I just don’t fit anyway.
Do you know what?
At my breakfast time I looked on my clock tool, on the computer.
My friends Fi and Laura, who live on different time lines to me and to each other too, would have been sat down eating their dinner and tea, or lunch and dinner…whatever you want to call it.
So…Spag-Bol for breakfast it was for me, and I enjoyed it too, After all… I had been up since 3am.
The other thing that popped into my head in full glorious techni-colour,
Replaying itself until I got it, was this…
I don’t think Jesus really gave a monkeys how he looked, He sometimes had fishes for breakfast and turned water into wine. He had a few friends that He really loved. None of the religious people of His time accepted Him for who He was. As He travelled around loving people, they rejected Him and tried to trick Him, some even ridiculed Him.
So I think I will keep following Jesus because He helps me understand.