That might come as a surprise to some of you, most people love having surprises given to them, but not me. I bet also there are a few who feel very similar to the way I do. I can’t hide how I really feel, the truth always wants to come out, and I really don’t like to hurt anyone.
This week a relative of mine very kindly gave me a book. She had picked this up for me in a charity shop. She has been following my blog and thought this book would help me.
The book was a sort of Dictionary in reverse, it gave explanations to things you couldn’t remember the names of. It was a VERY big book with LOTS and LOTS of very SMALL words and NO pictures AT ALL.
My first thoughts when given this book were …
O.M.Goodness, I’m never going to use this!
Why on earth has she got this for me!
What a complete waste of money!
This is just going to bulk up my bookcase and collect dust!
Does she really not know me after 41 years!
Then I realised how I had been trained to act in these circumstances
A memory of my Mom played in my brain. I had a moment of confusion not being sure how to act.
The memory was this…
I was about 7 maybe 8 and Mom was explaining to me how to say nothing and just nod my head and smile. She told me that by saying what I really felt, even though it was the truth, I would hurt people’s feelings.
She gave me a rule, and that rule was treat people how you want to be treated.
So that was all it took to stop me speaking.
I don’t like hurting people and I know my thoughts are always truthful.
I can’t always find the words to make my truth sound nice so I don’t speak.
I can’t lie and I hate being lied to.
Back to the book…
I know this relative loves me completely, she tries so hard to understand me. She has her own problems and I know I can really confuse her sometimes. So I decided that enough was enough, the kindest and most loving thing for me to do was be honest, and not wear the mask I had been given for this situation.
I think I worded it quite well considering…
I can’t remember my exact words but I explained to her that Dictionaries are probably one of the hardest books for me to use. With my dyslexia I can’t sequence the alphabet and have to keep repeating it in my head. To use a dictionary I have to really, really want to know so badly what a word means. Then this triggers my Aspieness off, as I can become intense at searching for meanings.
Sometimes a little bit too intense….giggle
She was fine about it, she said,
“No problem Bab, I just saw it in a second hand shop and thought it might help you with your writing, it was only cheep.”
Well this got me thinking…..
Since I started blogging, I have only ever been myself, this is my place to be me. I feel safe here in bloggyland with my new friends. I have grow quite a lot in my understanding of myself. So now the me here in bloggyland is venturing out into the big bad world that has mashed me up thus far.
Yesterday all around the UK,
it was Pudsey day
Well that’s what we all call it now anyway. It is a TV charity presented on the BBC, to help and raise awareness of Children in Need. Every year people around the UK dress-up as massive Teddy bears and collect for this special day.
The children in our schools go in their own clothes and take their teddy bears, making a donation for Children who are in need. They have fun activities in the afternoon, even the staff dress up. The kids in the school I work in was so excitable yesterday and they all looked wonderful in their colourful clothes, carrying their Teddy bears around with them. It was just lovely.
When my *CAL got up yesterday…
She was so excited about Pudsey day. She followed her list and did everything she needed to do to be at school on time.
She came down stairs dressed like a Rainbow, with no colour co-ordination at all. I was so worried she would get teased, so I made her go and get changed.
I then watched the smile leave her eyes and the tears well up, she was no longer my happy little *CAL. I had made her conform, the very thing I am trying so hard to not do myself. As I try to remember who Lisa really was.
So we sat and chatted. She explained to me that lots of colours make her feel happy and Pudsey day is a happy day at school that raises money for children who are sad and hungry.
I explained to her that some children are not very kind and might tease her for not being like them and not dressing like them.
She said, “I don’t care Mom, I just want to wear my happy clothes.”
So….I let her go as herself and she didn’t take a Teddy bear, she took a POKEMON.
Do you know what…
*CAL and Pikachu had a good Pudsey day!
She’s just a little bit intense and mildly eccentric just like her Mom.
It’s wonderful because that is who she is created to be.