My 15 year old self

Alienhippy age 15

This photo was taken at a family party when I was 15. I wanted to go home, no-one was speaking to me and I felt really alone. The music was NOT to my liking and was actually hurting my head. My brother took the photo, I was not aware he had taken it. He had a thing for photography.

I have decided to do something different today.

I was thinking about my Teen years and how hard they were. Trying to fit in with everyone else but constantly feeling like no-one liked me.

I learnt how to giggle when the other girls did, even if I didn’t know what I was giggling about. I learnt how to not be noticed. I also learnt that if I hung around with the bullies, I sort of had protection. I was their look out and a source of cigarette money.

At least I felt I belonged though…..to a degree!

School was a nightmare, I had stomach problems every Monday morning at the thought of another week there. I couldn’t read and that was a wonderful opportunity for everyone to taunt .

The subjects I was good at, I wasn’t allowed to take as my options. I had constant board rubbers and bits of chalk thrown at my head for daydreaming.

The only time I was happy at school was in my Art lessons, where I had a wonderful Teacher, who allowed me to be me. Shame I only got 2 hours of Art a week.

At the age of 11, I started to isolate myself in my bedroom. I was happy most of the time at home but my bedroom became my comfort zone. I spent far too long on my own, thinking back now. I had far too much time to think and obsess and hurt myself in many ways.

I couldn’t express how I felt and I couldn’t lose myself in a book, like my friend did. I spent a lot of time sewing and listening to music.

So…. I revisited 1985 in prayer today and tapped into my 15 year old self, and we wrote a poem.

My 15 year old self

by Alienhippy

I wish I knew just what goes on

In a neurotypical mind

‘Cause my mind goes at sonic speed

But answers I seldom find

To all my many questions

They seem to bother me

And…all the different social rules

I never seem to see

The faces they all seem to change

A smile can be confusing

When I smile back I get a glare

It’s only ‘ME’ they’re abusing

Look at the floor that way I’m safe

From all the angry eyes

I miss so much by trying to hide

But at least it stops my cries

The pain is brief, I’m given relief

Isolation takes it’s hold

Sat in my room all alone

Feeling safe but growing cold

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10 thoughts on “My 15 year old self

  1. It absolutely broke my heart to read that Lees.
    How awful that must have been for you.
    It’s also a double whammy for me because you’ve given me insight into how Ella must feel 😦
    Thank God that you were able to take comfort in him and that now your experiences can help so many other parents have some ideas on what goes on in their own children’s minds.
    Love you
    Fi xx

  2. I am so thankfull that Fi put me onto your blog Lisa.Your face says so much in that photo as does your poem.You are a beautiful writer and I thank you dearly for the insight you give me into how life can be for my son.

    • You are very kind Dearna, I really appreciate your lovely words.
      My only hope is that by me sharing my story some children out there will benefit.
      It is hard having to remember but God gives me what I need and brings me through.
      I will pray for you and your son.
      Love and hugs.
      Lisa. x

  3. While you looked very alone, you were stunning. Part of me wants to go back and meet you where-ever you were in this photo. But I also know that I would have been paralysed by fear and embarrassment and therefore would have looked at you, would not have approached you. I was like this with nearly everyone and girls were a no-go area for me. There was one girl I fancied the socks off but all I could do was stare. There were times where she would look back but I could never talk to her, even though I talked about her each week with my mate, Doug.

    School was also a large place for me; I would walk around the school with my bag full of everything, looking for friends, (and there weren’t that many). I suppose I needed something to do, like I still do; otherwise I feel a lost soul.

    I dreaded new years eve; going to the places that ‘the crowd’ hung out but not really finding anyone to talk to and looking a complete lost part. I would go to the local pub and meet my mate Andy there; we would have a laugh and a good chat. I felt comfortable and far more ‘at home’ than any family do or nightclub.

    I used to look out my bedroom window a lot and go into ‘daydream land’. It was also when I felt most alone, I think.

    Saturdays were spent either going to the Severn Valley Railway with mom and dad, going bus spotting with Andy, rail bashing or going down the Villa with my brother. I did look forward to those Saturdays. The ‘valley’ was a missed opportunity to get to know others; it was like ‘the world is my oyster’ moment I didn’t realise at the time but I could have grown up quite quickly without the parents being around. The ‘valley’ should have been a ‘safe space’ but became a bore for me.

    So the photo of you could quite easily have been of me. (apart from the fact that you were much more good looking than I was!). Love Aust. X

    • Hello my lovely hubby,
      I think that’s the most you have ever said, Probably because I talk too much and don’t let you get a word in edgeways.
      I guess I ‘m back eating soup….giggle.
      I would just like to say here, love.
      That from what you just written, Autism is just screaming at me, and I’m sure that anyone else who reads your comment will agree. What a pair we are….lmho
      I love you so much, you are so funny….XXXX

  4. wow, what a powerful post. I can definitely relate to how you were feeling back then because I was also like that as a teen. Your post put a lot of things into perspective for me. I really like that photo because you face really shows a lot of how you were feeling. Thank you for sharing this post and for your genuineness.

    • Hello, thank you so much for your comment. I found your blog so easy to read because of all your lovely photos. It really helps me to process when words are broken down the way you have done.
      I feel that in some ways dyslexia and Aspergers work well together, but a lot of the time especially when I’m trying to learn about something they aggravate each other.
      Having text broken with titles and images keeps my brain focussed. Thank you for your lovely blog I will be returning to have a better look around. Thanks again for your comment.
      Love and hugs. x

  5. I love this post. That photo is amazing, and your husband’s comment is adorable. Your 15 year-old self didn’t know what she had to look forward to. Beautiful.

    • Thank you Spectrummy Mummy,
      No I hadn’t got a clue back then. Once I knew I was an Aspie everything made sense.
      But it was very hard growing up and feeling so alone, isolated and misunderstood.
      It brings me so much happiness reading blogs like yours.
      Knowing that little Aspie/Auties are not going to have to feel how I did.
      May be some of what I share can make a difference.
      Love and hugs. Lisa. xx 🙂

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