Hello friends in blogland,
Today I have felt really weird….and I still can’t figure out why!
The problem I have when I feel weird is my brain goes into some kind of frantic thought loop that won’t stop. This then makes me feel SO confused that I start pacing and fidgeting and doing things to distract myself. Which I then get so absorbed with that I forget everything else.
Important things like turning up for work and feeding the dogs…..lol
Ok I did both….I was only 10 minutes late for work and the dogs tell me when they are hungry.
I have tried so hard to pray about this today, but God hasn’t given me any answers yet.
I tried writing out my prayer…………………still no good.
So I went off this afternoon with my camera and Jesus to just have a look around my neighbourhood. I put on my woolly gloves and a scarf because it’s so cold today.
Do you know what?…………. my car windscreen was actually frosted over this morning, and I hadn’t got any anti-freeze.
It’s Autumn here, the trees look beautiful. All the colours are so amazing and I became still, for a while.
At my favourite spot under the Oak tree down the reservoir.
I was very naughty actually, I got myself a Cornish Pasty…..it was very nice, as I sat and watched the sail boats and all the little duckies.
I listened to the leaves rustling in the breeze. With a big smile on my face and feeling quite content………….but it didn’t last.
So this afternoon after the school run I tried to get to the bottom of this again, as the weird feeling still hadn’t gone. It’s like I have forgotten something or have missed something, or even like something has been taken from me….I can’t even explain, it’s just all mixed up.
I took myself off into the conservatory, with my prayer journal and I fell asleep…typical!
The person who never seem to sleep….falls asleep in a chair, while trying to pray and sort her head out.
*AJ woke me up with a loud…“MOM, I need you to cut my hair!”
Hair cut done…back to chair, I light a candle I think …right now God will sort my brain out.
No….*CAL says, “MOM…it’s 17:13pm time for parents evening!”
Always with the exact digital time, I’m surprised she doesn’t give me the seconds as well…or better still, T minus 10 and counting.
HOW COULD I FORGET PARENTS EVENING……..Oooooopps……oh dear!
See what I mean… everything, I forget everything…when my brain is like this!
I want my brain to slow down or at least know what it is doing, I don’t mind having an over-active brain if I know what I’m thinking about.
I find it extremely creative.
I’m probably filtering something….but I haven’t got a clue what!
So, when I finally figure it out…I’ll stick it in a poem!
Which is my next filter, as I don’t think I got anywhere with this one. Nor the photography, If all else fails I paint.
I would just like to mention here that as a child these days were very hard.
I would pull out my eye brows, bite the inside of my mouth until it bled….as a teen this got worse, I also would have violent outbursts toward my family. This is because I didn’t allow myself to be me, the pressure to conform and not stim or obsess was the only way to fit.
I find that being given the time to enjoy what I am interested in stops the empty thoughts and they pass. I wanted to write this while stuck in the middle in the hope that it will help someone.
I’m Just being me….the person God wants me to be!