Oldies are the besties

I have been having difficulty writing posts after reading some not very nice comments about bloggers and their writing styles. At the time I thought I was ok, but it has been looping in my head for nearly two weeks now and I can’t seem to be able to shift it. Some people can be so hurtful with their opinions. Writing is something I used to find release in, a way of me processing and feeling I would connect with those like me, those with similar struggles. Over the last few days I have found myself struggling to even share on my facebook.

I helped myself today by re-reading a few oldies

I need to go back to “Just Being Me!”

My blog is, “A place where I can be me!”

Trying to remember…

I am Aspie-happy.

I’m a multi coloured rainbow.

I turn negativity upside-down.

It’s not just about

“Me and my loops”

Or my supermarket Shutdowns/Meltdowns

It’s about Coping…finding new ways forward

Discovering those Lightening jumps and connections

Having those moments of recognition and true friendship

Yes, I’m the queen of the loops, but I “Listen through the Loops”

There maybe a LOT of “Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego”

Change is good when God prompts it

So, Hello my lovely Bloggy friends

Yes, this post is full of links and each one of them is a post about me struggling, persevering and overcoming. It’s about how I live and find ways to not be affected by a world that pushes for conformity. Where society makes me feel so different. My acceptance of being different but not less, feeling like an alien on the wrong planet but making it work for me the best I can. Learning to rise above the storm and say, “Bog off frantic thought loop!”

The following post is an oldie that made me giggle today,

It’s one I had totally forgotten about but it helped me to find me again. I tend not to take myself too seriously, and I like to see people smile. So here have a giggle on me. I’m processing as I write and I think I’m on my way back.

Love and hugs. xx

Just a babble and a giggle! (Embarrassing moments)

image found on Google

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Hello friends out in bloggyland,

~

I just got back from dropping my *AJ off at his girlfriends.

I do love our little chats in the car we have such a giggle.

~

*AJ talked about a misplaced face.

The Aspies in my family do this all the time, we know faces from places.

Put them in a different place and we haven’t got a clue who they are.

Quite a few years back

Before I’d ever heard the word Aspergers, I bumped into a neighbour in a petrol station and she chatted with me for quite some time before she asked me if I was ok. I was completely confused to who she was and how she knew me. I was in my early 20′s and wasn’t as good at smiling and nodding as I am now.

It’s funny because I saw this neighbour at a social gathering I was dreading going to and she remembered this incident and I was able to explain to her. Only 20 years later…hehehe

Well me and *AJ then went onto EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

So as I LOVE to babble and I don’t really worry too much what I babble about, I thought I’d share probably the worst and MOST embarrassing moment of my adult years…In other words the most recent one.

If you follow my blog

You will remember a post I wrote about collecting and the emotions of parting with things of sentimental value.

You will remember the hurt I went through when the extension was built on my home and I had to part with the unopened boxes.

Those boxes full of memories.

As an Aspie I connect strongly to my emotions, thoughts and feelings when I touch things.

It triggers off the replays in my head and I can almost feel back in the time I would like to be in.

I LOVE being a Mom, it’s something I dreamed of

So parting with certain baby items was extremely hard for me, well the building work meant I had to clear out the loft space.

So here we go, my most recent embarrassing moment.

I never learn where speaking is concerned, I constantly get things wrong.

On my less confident days I don’t speak a word, but I think LOADS and LOADS.

On my confident days…..well, I tend to say what I think, I get myself into terrible pickles with this.

On this particular day I had revved myself up to doing something I REALLY didn’t want to do.

I was taking *CAL’s travel cot to the charity shop.

I had loads of bags and boxes of things that I was fine about taking.

The travel cot however, was NOT one of them.

I stood it up the side of the car while I put everything else in, and then when I looked up a young couple was walking towards me holding hands.

I thought perfect I can help them out, this travel cot has hardly been used.

I got so excited, I so love helping people,

I thought to myself…God has REALLY helped me here.

“Excuse me love, say no if you don’t want it…but it’s hardly been used,

would you like this travel cot?”

She said…“WHAT?!” and screwed her face up at me.

So me being the plonker I am… repeated myself,

“It’s hardly been used, would you like it…I’m just about to take it to the charity shop?”

Then she says…“Why would you think I want a travel cot?”

Yes I actually DID say this…

“Well, because you’re having a baby aren’t you? You look about 6 months pregnant!”

I’m laughing my head off now writing this, but at the time I thought she was going to kill me.

So there you have it, my most recent embarrassing moment.

Also I learnt a very valuable lesson.

…….Assumption is the mother of all cock ups Lisa!

It’s so easy to take me apart!

wonderfullywired.wordpress.com

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Wonderfully Wired is what I’m learning to see

My wonderful friend Fi helps me so much with this. How? It’s so very simple really….she loves and accepts me for me! She accepts my quirky ways and doesn’t put unrealistic expectations on our friendship. She also prays for me and my family. This is something I have never had in a friendship before, but it is something I have always prayed for.

In my last post I said I’d been inspired by one of the photos Fi had sent to me. So I’m going to share some thoughts I had about it.

Let’s talk about an Autistic trait of mine…

Analysis

Analysis is the process of breaking a complex topic or substance into smaller parts to gain a better understanding of it. The technique has been applied in the study of mathematics and logic since before Aristotle (384–322 B.C.), though analysis as a formal concept is a relatively recent development.

The word is a transcription of the ancient Greek ἀνάλυσις

(analusis, “a breaking up”, from ana- “up, throughout” and lysis “a loosening”)

Taken from Wikipedia

****************************************************************

Taking things apart is something a lot of ASD kids do

Not just kids though adults do it as well, I really enjoy taking things apart it’s like an adventure into another world. It’s a time of discovery and learning in my own way and in my own time. Not too long ago I took an old computer apart, just for fun, and collected all the pieces that I know I can use in a sculpture one day, when I get the time that is….

When I’m taking something apart I can see how it all works. I can imagine rebuilding it in new ways. My brain just comes alive and I don’t notice anything else around me. Or anybody actually…I get lost in there, in the WHOLE process of it. AND….it’s so very lovely.

Putting things together is different

Why?

Instructions…expectations…a feeling of failure and disappointment.

Confusion, complications and always someone telling you you’re doing it all wrong.

I do love solving puzzles though, I just like to do it on my own with no help at all, away from everyone.

Having someone around “hovering” while I am building/making/solving something is very distracting. I have my own way of doing things, but because of how people have been in my past, I’m used to feeling like I do things wrong all the time. So having someone watching me build something (like a flatpack) while trying to follow instructions, actually throws my brain into meltdown mode.

I can keep this in for quite a while now, but as a kid the model, puzzle or board game would get kicked into the air or thrown across the room. I would then stamp off in a vile mood to a safe place, this made me feel guilty and wrong. I would then get REALLY told off for having a “temper tantrum” Yes…that’s what happens unfortunately when you are high functioning or undiagnosed. People have expectations of how you should be, because who you really are is unseen.

The invisible disability…“The invisible people”

Your intelligence in other things is noticed but your behaviour with so called simple things is unrecognised as a difficulty. This caused me a lot of confusion as a child. I felt so clever with some things and so stupid with others.

As a child I had no control over my reactions, my body acted in a way to protect me. I learned as I got older but I also learned to internalise TOO MUCH! I became far too quiet. Even the things I was good at, the things I had gifts with were no-longer enjoyable, I felt I did everything wrong.

Creating is different

With creativity it’s like building something while taking it apart. It gives me both! I see something being built/made/created but also feel the adventure of seeking and discovering. There are no rules in creativity, no instructions, no right or wrong way of doing (or there shouldn’t be)

School changes this, they place rules on the arts, they tech techniques and place expectations. I was always very good at art at school, but on my bad days I couldn’t meet the goals of my teachers.

Lisa is a quiet child with a lot of talent, she is naturally gifted in art, however she needs to try harder. She tends to drift off into daydreams and not finish the work set for her.

(one of my teachers)

I love this quote by Pablo Picasso

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.”

It’s so easy to take me apart!

With God’s love I am learning to put me back together.

God’s creativity flows through everything and also through everyone who lets Him in. I’m learning to use my Wonderfully Wired mind to see through my Aspie eyes. True creativity comes NOT from learning techniques and reading from books but from within, from who we are created to be. Creativity and expression are a scary thing to share, but it is also very healing when we do. I have always naturally wanted to learn about the things I love doing, the things I am interested in. My Aspie mind needs to feed on information, when I am interested in something it’s all I can think about.

Fi’s Blog title is…

Wonderfully Wired “Created to be remarkable…”

Created to be remarkable…I see this in my kids and Fi sees it in her kids.

“Different, but not less.” Those of us with spectrummy kids all see this and want everyone else to see it too! It’s not easy being a Mom to kids on the spectrum, not for NT or Aspie Moms. Our kids are unique and wonderful creations. They are blessings from God that we feel a need to protect. We see their quirkiness and we love it. The world however….well, let’s not go there!

As parents to kids with quirks we see its affect every day!

We already know how some people mock that which they are ignorant about, that which they refuse to try to understand.

Bringing awareness to the needs of those on the Spectrum is so very important.

Without people sharing what it’s like there will always be people who tear Aspies/Auties apart.

There will always be the bullies, the manipulators and the abusers. But through sharing our journeys we are building a path for others to walk on. We are making a safe place for others to share. We are telling our stories in the hope that things will change.

I love blogging….. WHY?

Because God has given me a way of taking me apart and building me back up, in a group of loving and accepting friends. In a little community I like to call Bloggyland.

“A place where I can be me!”

Love and hugs friends.

Lisa. xx

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (The Message)

So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind.

I know you’re already doing this; just keep on doing it.

Wonderfully Wired on Wordless Wednesday

wonderfullywired.wordpress.com

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

My best friend Fi, from over at Wonderfully Wired, sent me a few photos yesterday.

This photo was attached to an email simply called,

“Look familiar?‏” ……………………Yes she knows me that well!

She then wrote…

*Lucas* found a screwdriver and dismantled the truck Mum bought him today…..Ooops!

Two of her beautiful kids are on the spectrum, I love the things they get up to.

You can read about Fi and her kids on her blog, just follow the link above.

She doesn’t mind me sharing her photo as she is having a break from blogging at the moment.

She is spending some quality time with her lovely Mum and kids.

This image has given me SO MUCH to think on

It has helped me put quite a few thoughts together.

BUT…this is supposed to be a Wordless Wednesday post, so I’ll share my thoughts another day.

I’ll be writing a post about this and sharing it with you once God helps me bring my loops together, and I have filtered through all my babble.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx

Bath time colander hat invention

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

“Wash the plate not because it’s dirty nor because you’re told to wash it, but because you love the person who’ll use it next.” — Mother Teresa

I was thinking on this quote today while washing up at the kitchen sink. I was also thinking of how Jesus came as a servant. I was pondering on the difference between deeds done in love and deeds done in service or duty. Just a few thoughts to wrestle with and what I came up with is it’s a heart thing. An understanding of being loved so a want and a need to give love also. This is hard if we have never felt loved or accepted for who we are.

I bought a new colander not long ago

It’s an old fashioned stainless steel one. I wasn’t really using it but I have recently had a kitchen clear out and it’s getting used now. I lifted the colander out of the sink and watched the soapy water trickle through the holes, I did this a few times and smiled as it brought back a memory.

Bath time screaming…oh my, did I scream at bath time!

Like a lot of Autistic kids I had a terrible fear of water going in my eyes, down my ears, up my nose and dripping down my face. My Dad was the only one who I would let wash my hair. He invented for me the colander hat.

This would be strapped, right side up, on my head and I held a flannel over my eyes while keeping my fingers in my ears. Then my Dad poured water into the colander with a jug to rinse the shampoo off. I know it sounds bizarre but with Autistic kids parents do what is needed to get the job done. I’m one of a kind really! Love me or don’t!

I believe now that my Dad invented this hat out of total love for his little girl because he is also Autistic. He would have remembered that fear, he would have remembered the sensory confusion. The strange feel of water creeping and moving on the sensitive parts of his face. Both my kids have been the same and I have known to use the shower to wash the soap off their heads, keeping well clear of their faces. In the 70′s though we only had a bath, showers were not fitted in tiny little UK town houses.

Putting people in moulds

I have recently written quite a lot about people having expectations and judging others on the idea they have of who/how/what a person should be. It is something I have been working through personally and will probably always be praying about and aware of in myself and others.

As a teen, in my 20′s, 30′s and right up to now I have done this with my Dad. When my Mom died I wanted him to be the Dad that I wanted him to be. I missed my Mom so desperately, I still do, I wanted him to make me feel better. I haven’t always seen that he is hurting too. I also struggle to accept his Autism and how it affects him. I accept my kids traits because I love them unconditionally, but I have had unrealistic expectations of my Dad that he can never fulfil.

My Dad has always been an inventor

Our kids call him Grandad Fixit. He’s a fixer, a builder and a carpenter by trade. He always smelt of wood when I was a kid. He worked for 40 years making coffins and he provided a home and an income for his wife and 3 kids. No one he worked with ever talked to him, he lacks social skills and can’t communicate well at all. Those he worked with teased him for this. My Dad has an identical twin so he wasn’t alone, he has always worked with his brother, they have been together and suffered this ridicule all their lives. Both at school and in every job they have had.

My Dad and my Uncle *What* (I call him that because he could never understand me as a child) sit together every day for their tea break and listened to the other guys laughing at them for being odd. It breaks my heart now when he tells me the things they say and he can’t defend himself.

I have felt hurt by my Dad most of my life

Not because he has meant to hurt me, I know he loves me. It’s because I was putting him in a mould of who/how/what I thought he should be as my Dad. I think I’m starting to understand this now.

God’s love is not a love of conditions, we serve not out of duty but because we love. We love because He first loved us and accepted us for who we are, as we are, with no conditions. Unconditional love that is freely given that God wants FOR us to accept and receive.

His forgiveness….grace and mercy.

Daddy loves me, he made a bath time hat to help me with my fears.

My Heavenly Father gave His Son, His love wipes away my tears.

2 Corinthians 5:13-21

New International Version 1984

If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

This is the song I was listening to while washing up.

JJ Heller, Keep you safe.

Image from Google

Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

My lovely friend Angel sent me this video yesterday, I just had to share it!

Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

A sturdy cardboard box, covered with retro funky 70′s orange floral wallpaper. Can you visualise that? I can still see it in my mind 33 years later!

Inside this box is a collection of lost and missing pieces from games, jigsaws, Lego sets. Action mans missing boot and Cindy’s lost tiara. Not to mention a few marbles, ball bearings, coloured pencils and even a few toy soldiers.

Yes, it is the lost and found and I can’t be bothered to go and sort these things out right now. I’m a very busy young Mom and I have FAR TOO much to do looking after these hyperactive kids and my moody hubby….I loved my Mom SO VERY MUCH! Thinking of her makes me smile!

My Dad built an extension on our home

We called it the playroom and it was filled with all of our toys. It was lovely in the summer, it had a terracotta tiled floor and the door opened onto the back garden. Our black Labrador (RAF) would go in and out as he pleased, following my beloved ginger tom cat Sammy. In the winter though our playroom was absolutely freezing, so me and my brother would grab a box of toys…actually we’d grab a few boxes of toys, and bring them into the living room.

The contents would then get emptied out ALL OVER the living room floor and we would play quite happily or fight over things. Mom would find all our bits under the furniture when she vacuumed. Sometimes she’d find them down the sides of the furniture, under the rug and even behind the telly if we’d been throwing things at each other. She’d then put our bits in the box.

Two Aspie kids playing our own games

As we got older my little brother became even more disorganised and I became the bossy little organiser. He would use books to build ramps for his wind-up Evel Knievel and he’d mess up the playroom something terrible. He’d mess it up SO badly that I just couldn’t cope with it actually. My bedroom became my safe place, a place of calm and order. I kept my special toys in my bedroom where I knew they wouldn’t get hurt. Notice I say *hurt* and not broken. I’ll write a post about that another time.

http://www.facebook.com/SpreadingPositivity

Thinking out side of the box

I knew that if any of my toys, puzzle pieces, bricks or bits from the Lego models were missing they would be in the box. It was just a case of going and mooching through. There was always the risk of Mom saying, “Now you’re in the box you can put things were they should be!”

I didn’t realise that this method of lost and found, find and sort was something I was STILL using until a few days ago. My computer was returned and it had been rebuilt with EVERYTHING completely wiped off. Have you ever seen a grown Aspie burst into tears because her collections and projects have all disappeared. You get the picture, I went into shutdown.

I am extremely visual and I love to collect

I had so many files of images, links and quotes that I enjoyed and could recall when I had filtered through my mix up of thoughts and loops. I had slide shows I could put on of Art I had collected. Old photos I had scanned and could find in seconds to help me with processing memories. I had 100′s of fractals I had made, 3D designer projects and landscaping I had created. Also my SPORE progress was lost, I was on the last level and I really liked the world I had created there.

Over the last few days I have avoided writing

I’ve not really been able to cope with sitting at my desk. I’ve just been doing stuff from my mobile and my netbook. I know how ridiculous this will sound to some people. Those who understand the difficulties Aspies/Auties have will totally understand where I am coming from. My computer is like a friend to me, now I’m having to work at getting to know it again. I don’t cope well with change and I’m really not good with loss.

I have been thinking a lot of a post I read about Lego

A LEGO Life by my Bloggy friend Richard at “Where Living Begins”

I read this post 2 days before my computer was returned and it made me really think about my life. It’s still making me think actually! The scripture Richard added was this…

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under Heaven:a time to break down, and a time to build up

(Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3).

Richard’s post is excellent, I love how he sees God in the everyday things. This post helped me to start putting my pieces back together. I don’t know what I’m building yet, as always the instructions have not been included, so I’m making it up as I go along. It’s an exciting adventure though. I trust God with this, He always provides what I need. I might not understand His ways but I can lean on His promises and accept His unconditional love.

I started a blog for my collecting

I didn’t intend to tell anyone about it, it is just storage really. But last night one of my subscribers from Alienhippy accidently found it and subscribed. Those who know me REALLY well know that when things happen like this, I see God-incidences. My storage and collecting blog is like my Mom’s retro box full of bits n bobs. I don’t know half the time why I collect what I collect, but I like to be able to find things easily when my thoughts start making tangent jumps and pulling together parts and pieces to help me move forward. To help me understand who I am in time and space. To help me make sense of the past and it’s pains. To help me share my journey and whatever else I feel God wants me to share.

Here is the link

Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego

You can read more about this on my about pages.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx

Septic river of religious!

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

This post is more of a healing process than anything else. Please read the following message, I found this while on fb yesterday and it really spoke to my heart.

Spiritual Warrior

A good mentor will affirm in public, and correct in private. Your goal should be to help, not hurt. When you rebuke someone in public you humiliate them, destroying their self-esteem. But when you affirm them in public you build their self-esteem and confidence. Of course, your praise should be genuine, not just empty words. By affirming sincerely and publicly, you plant the seeds of growth and greatness in the learner. God has called each of us to run our race and finish it successfully. God has also called us to keep the torch lit and hand it over to the next runner. Don’t merely be satisfied with doing the job; make sure the job keeps getting done by teaching or coaching someone else.

♥ Love & Light Always! ♥

It’s been over twelve years now

But still the septic river of my own religiousness can cause me to freeze.

Today I was in my local supermarket, a lady my age looked straight at me and smiled, nodded in recognition and walked past me. I knew that I knew her from somewhere but in a supermarket I am totally disorientated (How loving is our Heavenly Father) If I would have recognised her I would have been a complete mess.

It took me a while and prayer

Then a visual replay of how I knew this lovely lady.

I was already putting my groceries on the conveyor belt when it hit me how I knew her. She only had a basket and went through very quickly on a self-serve till, I so desperately wanted to talk to her but couldn’t.

My replay went like this…

I’m standing with a group of 4 women, all above me in leadership and I am being challenged and rebuked because of my failure to submit to their leadership. This is backed up by scripture with a slant. It is happening in a public place and I’m aware of others listening, I just take it and feel a total wretch. I didn’t know at this time how harmful scripture can be when used to make a person into a mould of Christianity that has been invented by mankind.

Now I’ll tell you who the lady was

She was a young single Mom that was placed in my group. I had 10 Moms altogether and at the time they were like an extension of my family. I loved them and I loved their kids too. I was in a religious sect and my whole life was centred on being part of what I thought was the only true church.

I wasn’t the one who had “studied the Bible” with her.

She was moved to my group because I had lived the single mom life and could relate to her. Also she lived close to me and we had gone to the same school. We became friends and we did things together with our kids. Her daughter was the same age as my *AJ and there was a lovely little park close to her house where we’d go and chat while the kids played.

She was a confident young mom, who had been through a lot and had gained a sense of protection for herself, her daughter and her home. I was given a set of studies to follow with her, I knew her situation and felt the study was not kind or loving. I refused to hurt her with this manipulation so my group was taken away from me. I’ll reword that, my friends, my sisters in Christ and all the children I loved spending time with were taken away from me.

Those who have lived this life know how close you become and know the pain of this. There is a kind of shunning that goes on in these types of fellowships when you choose to think for yourself.

After I left the sect

I phoned this lady and apologised for anything I may have done or said that may have hurt her. She told me I had never been anything but a friend and she knew how I had been treated. She thanked me for not doing that study with her and told me she no longer went along to this particular church.

God is LOVE; religion is man putting God in a box.

The truth is in the 4 years I was in this sect I was present in that many studies I can’t remember a lot of the women. I can’t remember the things I may have said. I do remember a lot of times feeling I should have spoken up, but out of respect and submission to my elders and leaders (actually it wasn’t respect or submission it was fear) I didn’t speak up. I do remember going home and crying a lot in prayer for the women whose stories were so painful. Their hurt and loneliness, stories of rejection and abuse were SO VERY painful.

I called this post “Septic river of religious!”

I wrote a post not long ago explaining why I had put certain words on hold for approval. I had many comments go into my spam box. I was accused of many things for choosing to do this. The one thing that hurt me and caused me to fear writing. Fear being part of this community here in Bloggyland was a comment that said I was supressing God’s word by not teaching the truth.

Words are powerful they build up and tear down.

I only share what I have lived or what I am going through. I have never claimed to teach or preach. I’m just a Mom trying to find my way sharing my ups and downs. I love God and enjoy sharing my journey, I love meeting others on a similar journey and finding new friends.

I don’t believe that I supress scripture, I just don’t want to misquote or cause harm/hurt by using it to make others believe in the way I do. God gives free will.

But so I can help myself and feel I can write again

Here is the Bible online for anyone who wants to go and have a read.

BibleGateway.com

I love to write it’s my outlet it’s my best way of communicating. It brings me friendship and conversation; it also helps me to process all the thoughts I have in my Wonderfully Wired Aspie brain. It has taken a long time for me to process this but I believe that being made to fear something that God has given is NOT kind or loving so can’t really be from God.

I read some of Revelation today what really helped me was this verse.

Revelation 22:1

The River of Life

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb

Having a visual of fresh flowing life to the full.

 

Aspie babbling….trying to process!

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I have been thinking of three meltdowns I have had over the last few months. I have a few thoughts I’m pondering on and wondered if anyone could help me process my babble.

As a child I had plenty of meltdowns

I have gone through life undiagnosed, my parents didn’t know ANYTHING about Autism. I was told by many people I had a bad temper. The usual things were said to me, that I was having a paddy, a temper tantrum and I needed to calm myself down. I learned at a young age only to show this side of me where I was loved and accepted, at home with my Mom.

I learned to internalise or shutdown

This meant I was always wrong, I was always bad, I was always rubbish. I would lose myself in daydreams and prayers, the only places I felt safe. As a teen this turned to mild self-harming and suicidal thoughts.

Since starting my blog I’ve found accepting friends

I have learned a lot about my traits, things I would never have learned from books. I love reading about the lives of my friends and their kids on their blogs. I love sharing their up days and down days. I can relate to their children and it helps me to put names to things I have never understood about myself.

I still struggle to talk

When face to face with someone who intimidates me my natural response is to imitate. I can act really well and look just like everyone else. But when I get home I shutdown and sometimes, depending on the environment and the people I have been with, I just can’t control how I feel inside. The pain of being misunderstood, rejected or taunted for trying to be me is unbearable.

To really be me is not that easy

Wearing the mask is easier, but it means I’m faking it. I don’t want to be accepted for being an imitation of another person. Doing all the things others want me to do but never really being myself. This is how I have lived my whole life. I want people to understand that I am Aspie, yes I find some things difficult but I don’t make excuses, I find my own ways of doing all the things I need to do.

I found this quote the other day, I love quotes

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

~Oprah Winfrey~

I’ll tell you now, I know many people but I only have one person who I trust to see me and talk with me in a shutdown state. My close family know my meltdowns and my husband knows exactly how to help me when I have reached the point of not knowing how to help myself. I am very blessed to have the family and friends I have.

Not many people have seen my adult meltdowns

I have learned to hold them in for quite a while, to cope with the internal twists. The total confusion of brain to mouth. A lot of the time I just go quiet. Go along with those who are in control or more assertive. Or to walk away and find a quiet corner to process.

My blog has helped me realise that I have a voice

I have my own life to live, my own thoughts, feelings, opinions and convictions. Through writing I can express these things, which has made me want to speak them too. I’m not so good at that. One to one I’m ok with, any more than that and my mind is flitting from one to another not able to keep up.

My latest meltdown happened yesterday

In a coffee shop, I’m still trying to process it and not beat myself up about it. Someone I know was giving their opinion on ASD’s and not wanting to listen to anything I had to say. I tried so hard to speak but some people just don’t let you get your words out do they. I also felt quite cornered and not able to leave. I should have just made an excuse and found a way to leave but this person then started talking about how discipline was all Autistic kids needed. The environment was challenging enough for me without this. There was a new person I had enjoyed chatting with and that was something I felt good about. I lost it and I know that who I let out wasn’t a true representation of who I am. It was a combination of the bad tempered and angry people who have abused me in my past.

My childhood meltdowns

What I can remember, they consisted of a lot of crying, rocking and chewing on my cardigan. Then that went into shouting, screaming, slapping, stamping and banging things.

I’m pondering on this last meltdown

It was not like the other two where I was overwhelmed and bombarded.  I’m wondering if I absorbed/imitated the person who was on the receiving end of it. I don’t know really….I do know that I didn’t like me much after that. I came home and cried about it for nearly 2 hours.

When people don’t understand about Autism, I wish they would just not say anything.

I won’t go back to the mask, and I won’t be bullied any longer.

I can make a choice, I’m an adult now…at last that fact has sunk in.

One other thing, manipulation (of any description) doesn’t wash with me any more either.

Another quote

Faith looks to God alone; laughs at impossibilities; dances in anticipation of tomorrow.

(The Lewis Awakening of 1858)

Jesus calms my storm

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Today is the day my PC goes in for repair; I still have my netbook so I won’t be disappearing. I will say though that my Autism is pretty ridiculous when it comes to parting with my faithful friend. Any other Aspie relate here. Giggle.

I KNOW it’s only a computer but anyone who knows ANYTHING about those of us with an ASD, and how we communicate, will totally get where I am coming from with this.

I was reading some email notifications from my mobile this morning and I TOTALLY loved reading this devotional. It helped me so much!

“Be Still and Know” Sharon Jaynes (GIG)

Also this post

“Faith to follow” Where Living Begins

I sat and pondered/prayed on these for a while and remembered a post I wrote back in July. I put it on my “Listening through the Loops” blog because part of me still feels if I let people REALLY know me they will judge me and my way of thinking. My Loops blog is a place where I can be creative and so in a way I’m still hiding who I am. I think most of us who have grown up not knowing we are on the spectrum always feel just that little bit alien. We fear the rejection we have felt all our lives.

I read a quote the other day that stuck in my mind.

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”— Virginia Woolf

Many Aspies/Auties know this to be true. I know I certainly do. There are so many things that cause our minds confusion. Environments and people that cause us to shutdown/meltdown feel a failure. But we are not; this world may tell us we are, but we are not. We can find that peace when we find our own ways of coping with the battering of our senses and the attacks on our being. We can’t always understand, and may walk around oblivious sometimes, but we find ways. These ways may look odd to some people, but those who love and accept see past this and see the people we are.

As we all know those wonderful words.

“I am different, not less!” (Temple Grandin Quotes)

So here is a little bit of the me I’m created to be

The me from when I’m “Listening through the Loops”

My special place (taken with my mobile, when I wrote this)

The sound of no sound!

With her thoughts came a rising breeze and an echo of a time past. Her mind was filled with echoes on this day; some of them brought a smile, a warm feeling of love and acceptance. Others, they just caused a loop of despair. On this day those echoes were not being too friendly, they were torturing her peace and she couldn’t stop them.

She froze, as if a moment of clarity had awakened a deeper understanding. Concentration caught her. She listened for the breeze, trying to raise it above the sound of no sound. She could hear this so clearly, but others didn’t seem to know of its existence.

What is the sound of no sound, it’s not silence. We all know silence it can bring us peace when we accept it, give to it our truth within. Silence can also bring loneliness when we don’t tune to who we are, waiting on others to change our perception.

No sound is the buzz that lingers in the mind of those who cannot block it out. It is always there, it’s the one that never stops. It causes every other noise to merge with the voices and makes understanding impossible. The no sound is the distraction that causes mistakes, taking away the revelation given within the peace.

The buzz inside her head was escalating and she knew it was only moments before she had to get away from herself. She had frozen, her thoughts had frozen and nothing seemed real.

She needed to go; she walked the familiar steps to her special place. She heard within herself those words so gentle, words so calming, words that were not her own.

“Be still and know!”

************************************************************

What I read while sat in my special place

Psalm 46

Psalm 23

Psalm 40

Mark 4:35-41

My Guardian Angel

Image found on Google (I like the Rainbow colours)

by Alienhippy

If I had my Guardian Angel, whispering in my ear

Speaking only positive things that God wants me to hear

All this fear, anxiety and all this twisted pain

Would not exist, it would be gone, like a child I’d be again

~

As a child I heard, recognised this voice and acted with confidence

I’d smile and sing, laugh and swing and do my happy dance

I get this back occasionally, then it will go away

The darkness comes back, surrounded by black, aloneness calls so I pray

~

But what I need to remember, although I can no-longer see

God sends my Guardian Angel, He whispers softly to me

I only have to listen to what is good, this is my choice

Call out to God, He’ll give me strength to block the nasty voice

~

My God is strong, I’m in his hand, my Angel will always protect

This might seem hard, but with my God these arrows I can deflect

So, I’ll settle down within His arms and know we are NOT apart

I’ll listen for my Angels voice not with my ears but with my heart