Listen to the Raven

Today we saw a raven and I thought of Elijah. Then in conversation with a friend I mentioned ravens and God using them to feed His friend. I decided to read a post I wrote some time ago and it helped me today.

In 1 Kings 19. I believe there is some wonderful advice that I have in the past put into practice. It works for me. I need to start finding that special time for me again, to keep doing that which works well with my soul.

I have had many thoughts about Elijah and I have read this chapter quite a few times. This post is one I keep returning to because I keep forgetting to let God look after me.

I have an online Bible devotional come through that is a excellent place to start. There is reference to this as I share my thoughts on Elijah. However the devotional started with Mark 1:35

Jesus Prays in a Solitary Place

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

There are two guys I know

Both of them want to please God and both of them are emotional beings. They were created this way and God understands them. They have all the same feelings and hurts as us. They also have the same fears and anxieties too. The one guy I have written a poem about in the past I also painted a picture for him. He is always there when I hit the pit. He is so real to me, so open honest and transparent. His name is Jonah.

The other friend of mine, his named is Elijah

Elijah helps me to get through my worst meltdowns. God has been allowing past hurts to surface lately and things I never believed I would have to face are being healed. In prayer and through tears I feel me growing. God is so good!

Reading 1 kings 19 is a Godsend for me.

When I first got the email I felt totally drained. I really couldn’t be bothered to read it. But that Still Small Voice inside spoke and said, “Read it Lisa!” I said, “No, reading is too hard and I feel like crap!” Again the voice inside said, “Read it!” I struggled with this for a bit, but I know when God directs it is always for our good. His plans are to prosper not harm.

This is part of what I received and decided to follow.

In the Bible we see many who experienced times of burnout. After Jonah’s miraculous delivery from the big fish and prophetic announcement to the people on Nineveh, he sank into a depression and wanted to die (Jonah 4:3). After Elijah called down fire from heaven that miraculously burned up the sacrifices of Baal, the fire in his own life went dim (1 Kings 18-19). Elijah prayed, “I have had enough, LORD. Take my life,” (1 Kings 19:4). Both of these men wanted to quit.

How do we avoid those same feelings of burnout? The first step is to realize that it can happen and does happen to the best of us.

What was God’s response to Elijah?

Let’s take a look at 1 Kings Chapter 19.

• He allowed Elijah to sleep. (19:5) – rest
• He sent an angel to provide food for him to eat. (19:5) -  refreshment
• He allowed Elijah to sleep again. (19:6) – more rest
• He sent an angel to provide food for him to eat again. (19:7) – more refreshment
• He caused Elijah to ponder what he was doing. “What are you doing here?” (19:9) – reflection
• He spoke to Elijah personally. (19:11) – response
• He caused Elijah to ponder what he was doing, again. “What are you doing here?” (19:13) – reflection
• He told Elijah what to do next. (19:15) – redirection
• He showed Elijah who He had appointed to help him. (19:16) – reinforcement

Rest

Refreshment

Rest

Refreshment

Reflection

Response

Reflection

Redirection

Reinforcement

Burnout happens when I focus on people and fitting in.

That includes me thinking too much about myself too.

“You can’t see yourself “in yourself,”

you have to learn to see yourself in Christ.”

~A Joyce Meyer’s fb status.

There was a reason why Jesus went off to solitary places to pray.

If Jesus had to do it maybe I should be more willing to do it too. My shutdowns are not such a bad thing if I give them to God at the foot of the cross. But I do believe that if I was more ready to listen, I wouldn’t overload myself in the first place.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx

It started with a fish.

I won a fish on the ‘hook a duck’ at the fun fair, I was 5 years old. My brother won one too, Mom put them both in one of those 1970′s over sized brandy glasses. We called our fishes, Tom and Jerry. For my 10th Birthday the present I wanted the most, I got.

My first Aquarium.

I kept cold water fishes and they gave me a place to stare, I found the movement of the water through the filtering system extremely calming, and I knew each of my fishes and how they responded. My aquarium was in my bedroom it acted as a night light and the soothing sound of filtering water helped me to drift off into sleep.

When I moved into my own flat at the age of 18, I still had this fish tank and I started my first tropical aquarium. I had been wanting to do this for years, but Mom and Dad would only let me have cold water fishes.

I started with easy to keep fish in a community tank, Guppies, Mollies, Zebra Danios, Neon tetras and some smaller variety of Gourami.

MY ONE BOOK

At this age I was fascinated by all the varieties

The different names and how to keep these beautiful creations alive. I learnt about water values and how to test for nitrates. I learnt how to control the temperature and which fishes would breed at higher water temperatures. I knew which fish were live bearers, egg layers, egg depositors. I became obsessed with everything that my ONE book taught me.

I can see now that if someone would have taken my passion for keeping fishes at the age of 10, and used it to help me read, to help me understand science, to look at the fishes anatomy, maybe research all the different plants that I could have grown in my aquarium. My educational experience could have been so very different and such a positive one.

Oh well…such is life!!

At the age of 26, I became homeless and I was very ill with depression. I was close to breakdown and having regular suicidal thoughts. My Mom had me back home and she gave me and my 2 year old *AJ her master bedroom. She bought me a new fish tank, a bigger one, and she told me to fill it with the most beautiful tropical fishes I could find.

Doing this helped me so much and I am so grateful for the wisdom that God gave my Mom. I would go out with my boy and we would find the most amazing Aquatic centres. They always had little cafes and we had a fabulous time looking at all the wonderful fishes.

When *AJ was 9 my Mom bought him his first aquarium

He was fascinated with testing the ph and nitrate levels he also memorised names, temperatures, origins and tank types. He would talk none stop about his aquarium and his teacher was fascinated at his knowledge. I got him so many books and he read every one of them. He loved his tank so much and then one night the thermostat over heated and boiled all the fish, we came down to an awful smell. All his beautiful tropical fish were white and floating on the top of the tank. My *AJ cried his eyes out, and refused to ever talk about it.

Here is a photo of him with his first aquarium, before the boiling obviously

In the cage next to the tank is “BOB” the Gerbil, we later changed his name to “Beelze-BOB”

That Gerbil was just plain evil.

*AJ, 9 years old, with his fishes

*AJ later went on to breeding mice,

He won shows at the national mouse association. I took advantage of his “SPECIAL INTEREST” he was obsessed with mice, so I used it to teach him in SO many ways. He had to clean them out and feed them every day and he had 57 at one point.

Over the years

Me and my kids have kept fish, mice, gerbils, hamsters, rabbits, guinea pigs, chickens, ducks, quails, budgies, love birds, cockatiels, finches, cats, dogs, kakarikis, tree frogs and a snake.

We have quite a library of animal husbandry. I know that through animals I have not felt the loneliness in my life that some Aspies feel. My animals have been my friends, I have loved them and they have loved me back. They have given me friendship, companionship, many giggles….I had a Cockerel once called DUDE who would sit on my shoulder like a pirates parrot. A rabbit that came when it was called. My Kakariki loved being stroked and would call me to tell me he loved me. I had a cat called Fusspot who would regularly steal marsh mellows lick them and flick them up the wall. My dogs, cats and rabbits have given me a shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to who is an exceptional listener, and never judgemental. My animals have brought me through tough times by being unique creations, they helped me to look to God and see Him in who they are and how they have been created.

My little *CAL looking at fish in an aquatic centre

NOTE: This post was written two years ago. I found it today to share with a lovely new friend that I “met” on facebook through Everyday Aspergers group. I have a lot of new followers that may not know about this part of my life and those who have been following me since the start of Alienhippy won’t mind reading this again.

I enjoyed reading this today, it helped me see just how far I have come.

Love and hugs. Lisa. xx

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Rules for Aspies on Acquaintances (Poem)

image from Google

Silly poem…Rules for Aspies on Acquaintances

by Alienhippy

Give as much as you are given

Try not to be too intense

Try not to ask any questions

Then you can’t cause an offence

~

Smile but only if they smile

Or they will call you a freak

Talk surface crap most of the time

Or they’ll just call you a geek

~

Don’t tell them anything personal

Unless you want everyone to know

Even though you told them in private

On facebook it will probably go

~

Acquaintances can’t all be like this

And…I’m sure a few, really do, care

But as they never turn up for coffee

Acquaintances cause me despair

~

I think I will stick to friendship

Because in that I know where I stand

I feel pretty happy with friendship

It’s a shame they all live in blogland.

*****************************************************************************

NOTE:

• If you consider yourself my friend, you will not be offended by this poem, because you already know my humour!!! Giggle giggle snort.

• If you are offended by it, I suggest we talk because you really don’t know me very well at all. I have this side to me you know. It’s just the way I am created to be.

• A message for one friend in particular…”This poem I wrote in 10 minutes flat mate!!!”…lol

Love you all. xx

ASD’s and PTSD…Babble with a bit of Bible

I wrote this post back in 2011

I was reminded of it when reading this link from Autism Discussion Page.

PTSD and Autism

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Hello my lovely Bloggy friends

http://www.facebook.com/Happinessinyourlife

I have written before about how every day at school I was either bored stiff or scared to death. By the time I was a teen the idea of spending another week, in what I considered a hell hole, was SO NOT appealing. In my third year of secondary education (age 13-14) I had started to have suicidal thoughts. This was when I started to retreat constantly to my bedroom, also truanting whenever I could.

I have been pondering on this for the last couple of days.

Dissecting it and putting it where it belongs. In my past!

WAY IN MY PAST!!!

Also I was thinking on how, at around 8-10 years of age, I started to listen and believe the cruel jokes and taunts that children of this age use. As an undiagnosed Aspie with dyslexia the jokes were on me and they came thick and fast.

I became very quiet almost over night

At secondary school to survive I became the lookout for the groups of girls that “accepted” me. The friends I had once had in primary school were all in higher groups. My dyslexia held me back with everything, so the only kids I got to mix with were those in bottom group. Quite a few of them took on the hard knock approach, as they too were trying to survive.

Most of the jokes were played by my “so called” friends

I didn’t understand that they were just joking and I took it to heart. My bedroom became my sanctuary and I very rarely went out. I developed an attitude of acting like I didn’t care, I imitated those I hung around with at school. This then made me feel rejected in my own family because I became a nuisance. I was always arguing and made it very stressful for my Mom. I was behaving towards my Dad the way those at school were behaving towards me, both students and teachers.

What I have realised today…

By the time I had reached secondary school I had learned to cope with most of my sensory difficulties, they hadn’t gone but I was able to act well and avoid. I was able to do most things and had learned, to a degree, how to fit and not be noticed. I didn’t understand a lot of the social conversation between my peers, but I was able to fake it and giggle when they did.

I knew deep down that these kids were not really true friends and I was never able to be myself. On the rare occasion when I let little Lisa out a few of my friends liked who I was, but there was always someone to knock me back down, put me back in my place.

I have been reading lately about PTSD

(PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is mostly given as a diagnoses for people who have been in accidents, disasters, abuse, violence…etc.

There are a lot of sites that describe the symptoms of PTSD and I can’t help but notice how alike the symptoms of PTSD are to many ASD traites. One site I read talked about using Cognitive Therapy to disconnect the traumatic event from the emotions and flashbacks.

I did think this could be helpful because anyone who has suffered, or suffers from PTSD can actually, in a way, relate to what it feels like going into shutdown/meltdown. However, I also thought that perhaps for those of us who are high functioning on the spectrum these things cannot be disconnected because we have, in a way, suffered trauma most days of our lives. We have been put into situations we couldn’t understand, where we were terrified sometimes even in pain. Then when showing/reacting to this we were ridiculed, shouted at, sometimes abused, bullied and made to believe we are wrong, misfits, oddbods, freaks and weirdos.

On my post called I have a question…can anyone relate?

I was left a very helpful comment by another Aspie named eaucoin.

This is part of the comment…

You know that aspergers makes reciprocity difficult (both because we have difficulty setting boundaries and because we find it difficult to apply what we learned from one situation to another). What might seem to you (or other people) like failings can be reduced to symptoms that are unavoidable on occasion. You need to apply this to your memories and then comfort yourself for having survived situations that were difficult. I once heard a neurotypical woman describe having lost a dear friend to a misunderstanding at a time when she was going through the New Orleans flooding. She said losing that friend was worse than losing her home. I thought to myself how many times this (losing a friend or a loved one’s favour) has happened to me, and how often amidst my devastation I would tell myself I was being too dramatic, but if they walked in our shoes, even a neurotypical would understand how hard it is not to isolate oneself when the stakes are so high.

I had to look up the word reciprocity

I needed a clear understanding of what this meant to me. I was brought up by a very loving Christian Mother, we were her life and she loved us unconditionally. She loved very deeply from the heart, and everyone who knew her was her friend. I learned to imitate her ways and thought that all people were like her, my Dad confused me because he wasn’t. I knew I was like him and I didn’t want to be. Also I couldn’t understand why, when I was acting like my Mom, people still treated me badly.

While I was shutdown yesterday I prayed

I felt God’s still quiet voice explain to me that the way I talk to myself is NOT His way. It is all the memories of people who didn’t understand me, didn’t accept me. They didn’t care enough to want what was best for me, and didn’t truly love me.

I also felt that the way I should be talking to myself, explaining things to myself. Also how I allow others to treat me is how a loving Mother would.

I felt that God was telling me that I need to learn to Mother myself. I wouldn’t say the things to my kids that I allow my brain to say to me. I also wouldn’t let anyone else say these things to my kids either.

I have had years of NOT KNOWING

Years of not understanding that my brain is wired differently. The one thing I have always held onto is that God loves me and one day I will understand. Now I am older, an adult, my Mom is no longer here to help me to fit, or to help make me feel better.

I have got the love of God though and Jesus as my Saviour.

I KNOW that He will teach me His ways.

Isaiah 66:13-14

Good News Translation (GNT)

¹³ I will comfort you in Jerusalem, as a mother comforts her child.¹⁴ When you see this happen, you will be glad; it will make you strong and healthy. Then you will know that I, the Lord, help those who obey me, and I show my anger against my enemies.

James 1:12

Romans 5:2-5

Romans 8:17

 

Oldies are the besties

I have been having difficulty writing posts after reading some not very nice comments about bloggers and their writing styles. At the time I thought I was ok, but it has been looping in my head for nearly two weeks now and I can’t seem to be able to shift it. Some people can be so hurtful with their opinions. Writing is something I used to find release in, a way of me processing and feeling I would connect with those like me, those with similar struggles. Over the last few days I have found myself struggling to even share on my facebook.

I helped myself today by re-reading a few oldies

I need to go back to “Just Being Me!”

My blog is, “A place where I can be me!”

Trying to remember…

I am Aspie-happy.

I’m a multi coloured rainbow.

I turn negativity upside-down.

It’s not just about

“Me and my loops”

Or my supermarket Shutdowns/Meltdowns

It’s about Coping…finding new ways forward

Discovering those Lightening jumps and connections

Having those moments of recognition and true friendship

Yes, I’m the queen of the loops, but I “Listen through the Loops”

There maybe a LOT of “Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego”

Change is good when God prompts it

So, Hello my lovely Bloggy friends

Yes, this post is full of links and each one of them is a post about me struggling, persevering and overcoming. It’s about how I live and find ways to not be affected by a world that pushes for conformity. Where society makes me feel so different. My acceptance of being different but not less, feeling like an alien on the wrong planet but making it work for me the best I can. Learning to rise above the storm and say, “Bog off frantic thought loop!”

The following post is an oldie that made me giggle today,

It’s one I had totally forgotten about but it helped me to find me again. I tend not to take myself too seriously, and I like to see people smile. So here have a giggle on me. I’m processing as I write and I think I’m on my way back.

Love and hugs. xx

Just a babble and a giggle! (Embarrassing moments)

image found on Google

~

Hello friends out in bloggyland,

~

I just got back from dropping my *AJ off at his girlfriends.

I do love our little chats in the car we have such a giggle.

~

*AJ talked about a misplaced face.

The Aspies in my family do this all the time, we know faces from places.

Put them in a different place and we haven’t got a clue who they are.

Quite a few years back

Before I’d ever heard the word Aspergers, I bumped into a neighbour in a petrol station and she chatted with me for quite some time before she asked me if I was ok. I was completely confused to who she was and how she knew me. I was in my early 20′s and wasn’t as good at smiling and nodding as I am now.

It’s funny because I saw this neighbour at a social gathering I was dreading going to and she remembered this incident and I was able to explain to her. Only 20 years later…hehehe

Well me and *AJ then went onto EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

So as I LOVE to babble and I don’t really worry too much what I babble about, I thought I’d share probably the worst and MOST embarrassing moment of my adult years…In other words the most recent one.

If you follow my blog

You will remember a post I wrote about collecting and the emotions of parting with things of sentimental value.

You will remember the hurt I went through when the extension was built on my home and I had to part with the unopened boxes.

Those boxes full of memories.

As an Aspie I connect strongly to my emotions, thoughts and feelings when I touch things.

It triggers off the replays in my head and I can almost feel back in the time I would like to be in.

I LOVE being a Mom, it’s something I dreamed of

So parting with certain baby items was extremely hard for me, well the building work meant I had to clear out the loft space.

So here we go, my most recent embarrassing moment.

I never learn where speaking is concerned, I constantly get things wrong.

On my less confident days I don’t speak a word, but I think LOADS and LOADS.

On my confident days…..well, I tend to say what I think, I get myself into terrible pickles with this.

On this particular day I had revved myself up to doing something I REALLY didn’t want to do.

I was taking *CAL’s travel cot to the charity shop.

I had loads of bags and boxes of things that I was fine about taking.

The travel cot however, was NOT one of them.

I stood it up the side of the car while I put everything else in, and then when I looked up a young couple was walking towards me holding hands.

I thought perfect I can help them out, this travel cot has hardly been used.

I got so excited, I so love helping people,

I thought to myself…God has REALLY helped me here.

“Excuse me love, say no if you don’t want it…but it’s hardly been used,

would you like this travel cot?”

She said…“WHAT?!” and screwed her face up at me.

So me being the plonker I am… repeated myself,

“It’s hardly been used, would you like it…I’m just about to take it to the charity shop?”

Then she says…“Why would you think I want a travel cot?”

Yes I actually DID say this…

“Well, because you’re having a baby aren’t you? You look about 6 months pregnant!”

I’m laughing my head off now writing this, but at the time I thought she was going to kill me.

So there you have it, my most recent embarrassing moment.

Also I learnt a very valuable lesson.

…….Assumption is the mother of all cock ups Lisa!

ASD has a voice, just believe

http://cinemanerds.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/prince-of-egypt-1998.html

I see parallels and learn best when I feel loved and accepted. I am taught best by those who get alongside of me and nurture my unique learning style. I learn from everything because my brain loves puzzles. However the word “Teacher” is not a positive word for me, it’s a trigger word that starts a loop of fear. You maybe thinking irrational fear but for those with special needs who have struggled undiagnosed through the education system with little or no support that fear is so very real.

My Parallel through this fear comes from my friend Moses

Speaking with faltering lips

Exodus 4:10-13 (GNT)

But Moses said, “No, LORD, don’t send me. I have never been a good speaker, and I haven’t become one since you began to speak to me. I am a poor speaker, slow and hesitant.” The LORD said to him, “Who gives man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or dumb? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? It is I, the LORD. Now, go! I will help you to speak, and I will tell you what to say.” But Moses answered, “No, Lord, please send someone else.”

Exodus 6:28-30 (NIV)

Now when the LORD spoke to Moses in Egypt, he said to him, “I am the LORD. Tell Pharaoh king of Egypt everything I tell you.” But Moses said to the LORD, “Since I speak with faltering lips, why would Pharaoh listen to me?”

Exodus 7:6-7 (NIV)

Moses and Aaron did just as the LORD commanded them. Moses was eighty years old and Aaron eighty-three when they spoke to Pharaoh.

My tangent thoughts and parallel images

When I read about Moses saying these things to God I don’t see fear but a relationship with healthy respect, love and understanding. Moses feared his own words and how he spoke, this is so familiar to me as an adult Aspie. But Moses spoke out before God about a real fear from his own life. This must have been important to him to bring it up before God.

Not an excuse, not irrational fear

This fear was real because he lived it and he was stuck in it. The name Pharaoh was from his past, Pharaoh had raised him, he had been a figure of authority, a teacher, a step father, master, king and god. Pharaoh had a job to do and had to keep those under him in line. Moses grew up as an Egyptian but he was really a Hebrew. How could he ever really belong? He learned to fit, he learned to conform. The fear he had was very real to him, going back to Egypt would have many memories he would not want to relive. He had spent his adult life as a shepherd, married and lived happily with family. He had escaped from the memories.

Going back meant facing his fears

Going back meant facing the truth, standing up for new beliefs. It meant explaining to Pharaoh things that need to be addressed. What has to be different, what must change.

I also speak with faltering lips

With those who set themselves in a place of authority I too am a poor speaker, slow and hesitant. As an adult with a Autism Spectrum Disorder also Dyslexia I think mainly in pictures, I learn mostly from doing, from making mistakes and trying new ways. I learn best when helped to learn in my own way or left to learn alone.

The word “Teacher” for me is a trigger word but what does it really mean?

I am learning now to see all things, all people, all environments as my teacher. Not the person stood at the front of a classroom telling me how I should be different, how I should be learning in a way that is alien to me.

One of my closest friends is a retired teacher who has the kindest heart and the most loving of ways. Seeing who she is has helped me to let go of fears from my past. Knowing she loves me for me helps me to move forward and see that teachers are also people who get things both right and wrong. They are learning and growing too, we are all on our own journey through life making our own choices and learning from our mistakes.

Jesus is a teacher too

When I think of Him, I see him sat under a tree with little children giggling and telling them stories. I see him sat with His brothers, sisters, those who loved Him and those who despised Him. I see Him teaching in parables and letting people think for themselves.

As parents to those on the Spectrum

Those of us who struggled our way through the education system. For our children we have to go back, we have to face our fears. We have to relive those memories. It means explaining to our own personal Pharaoh things that need to be addressed. What has to be different, what must change. If we as adults on the Spectrum don’t explain, the best way we can, we leave it to the guesswork of others who learn from reading books but have never lived in our land.

These irrational fears to others are real fears to us

They are haunting memories relived a thousand times that we escaped from. But I have a theory, a thought, an image, and a hope.

Keep learning, keep evolving, understand our own brand of Autism we are all unique. We are all so different, the Spectrum is HUGE. But there are always parallels that can bring on that “Light bulb moment” for a Neruotypical parent/teacher who is searching for answers. Life goes on, people change, environments grow in knowledge and understanding.

In my mind and in my prayers

I believe that as Moses walked back into Egypt his faltering lips became less of a worry. I believe he started to see in his mind and heart that he wouldn’t be facing the fear of Pharaoh past. His challenge would be completely new and he just needed to believe.

Moses had grown in his knowledge of who is was as a Hebrew and a child of God. He knew God as his friend and he knew God would lead the way. I believe that in his many years as a shepherd he had time to process all he had lived and all that it stood for. Now he was able to put it into perspective and see that his past had a purpose.

My thoughts on my purpose

I’m Dyslexic and on the Spectrum. I’m the daughter of a Dad diagnosed at 64 years of age with Autism and a low IQ. I’m the Mother of a child diagnosed with Autism/Dyspraxia and SPD. I’m a friend to many who are Aspie/Autie and those who love someone with an ASD. I believe what I have to share matters. That every voice matters and every story counts.

With faltering lips and in Lisa Lingo

I believe that what I hold within me is a story with a purpose. No I’m not a Moses and I won’t be parting the Red Sea. But I do believe that one day there will be no need for Autism Awareness. That those of us on the Spectrum who CANNOT express will no-longer suffer because enough of us with faltering lips have already shared, we found our voice and we made a difference.

WHEN YOU BELIEVE (PERFECT LYRICS)

THE PRINCE OF EGYPT (FULL MOVIE) SO WORTH WATCHING

Knowing my limits! (ASD)

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I read this quote by Joyce Meyer, it was shared as a fb status…

“If you want peace in your life, don’t exceed your limits. Nobody says you have to do all the things you are doing.”

My first thought when I read this was, well who else is going to do them?

That’s right I was thinking of all my responsibilities.

Then I thought of something I have heard so many times but rarely acted upon.

“People can only control you if you let them!”

I have been thinking on the word “LIMITS”

Having an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) CAN set limits, or more to the point, society WILL set limits. Social conformity requires that all people act in a similar way, depending on culture and upbringing. Limitations are put upon us and there is nothing we can do about it. Or is there?

I have been pondering on this today

“If you want peace in your life, don’t exceed your limits.”

The only person in my life, who is pushing me to be like everyone else, is me.

Why do I care what others think of me when I know I am loved by God unconditionally.

I am also loved and accepted for who I am by my family and my close friends.

I am very blessed!

I don’t even want to be like everyone else, I don’t need to pretend to be someone I am not.

For me it’s about breaking the pattern I have known my whole life.

It’s about changing the voice in my head, the one that says, “I am wrong, everyone is better than me!”

Limits and restrictions are put in place by controllers.

These limits, restrictions, orders are not for our good and make us feel small, useless and worthless.

There are also loving restriction and limits.

Healthy boundaries that are taught and offered to us by those who love us.

Those who know us and want to see us thrive.

I have NEVER understood limits.

If there was something to climb, I had to climb to the very top. When I start a job, I don’t stop until it is complete. I have made myself ill carrying slabs and cement that were far too heavy for me. I have been out in the garden at 5am in the pouring rain digging a vegetable patch. I have also swam that many lengths of a pool I couldn’t walk and fell over when I got out….that was REALLY embarrassing actually…giggle.

These are just a few, there are so many I can see now looking back.

Being told about something is not the same as learning about it. I have to experience things to understand.

The limits I’m more concerned about are these.

I don’t understand my social and emotional limits.

I am now trying to understand the pattern behind my shutdowns/meltdowns when placed into over stimulating social environments. I’m very aware now that it is impossible for me to separate thought and feeling. I find it hard to understand some kinds of humour or if a person is being nasty.

Not always being able to read body language or facial expression will give added anxiety. This will then cause stress and overwhelm of emotion. This I will not read correctly and will over-tax my thinking trying to process it all. I will then feel over emotional and extremely drained. Also I will replay it all trying desperately to understand. While doing this I am draining myself further and confusing myself with things that may or may not have actually happened.

Limits on people and places

I am thinking of ways now to predict how I will react. Unfamiliar places are not a problem if I only have to absorb the new surroundings and don’t have to deal with new people.

Likewise, new people I can cope with if I am used to the environment and the expectation of whom and how I am to act in said environment. I learnt to imitate my Mom, and I don’t have to think to do this. However I do need to remember that when I do imitate, it will drain me and cause me to have to have downtime later. It burns me out!

Meeting new people in new places is FAR TOO MUCH and over time will eventually render me dysfunctional. Doing this for a short period of time is ok, but will have consequence. I can see and understand that if I fill a glass too much with liquid it over pours. Also I can see and understand that if I pump too much air into a balloon it will explode.

I need to learn my limits.

My whole life I have been trying to fit in a world where Autism is invisible. I didn’t even know I just thought I was odd, thick, over emotional and a depressive. These are the things that people have told me and I have taken on board as who I am.

Now I know, I’m just Autistic!

I’m different, not less!

I read this earlier and it also explained to me that I need to learn about my limits.

What I can do without pushing myself over the edge. Causing that overspill or explosion!

We abandon our path when we try to walk down someone else’s to live up to standards that we have not chosen in a life that is not ours. Instead of living within our limits, we often judge ourselves for having these limits and then challenge these seemingly unrealistic boundaries and try to push to be better, work harder, and achieve more. But to what end? What are we trying to prove? We often set and try to live up to unrealistic expectations, pushing ourselves beyond the limits we have to try to accomplish more. After all, we want to believe that we can do more and have it all while feeling great!  But how many people do you personally know who feel this way all the time and are truly fulfilled?

These are my thoughts for today, I hope they make sense.

I will let you know how it all goes, as I keep learning to be me!

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx

A look back at my way forward

Zazzy, *CAL and me at my Mom’s caravan.

I’m such a creature of habit and routine, it’s Saturday morning and I am so excited that there is NO school for the next 6 weeks.

I am also aware because I have this little voice in my head saying, “You need to plan and be disciplined with your time Lisa.”

I know that the days can go so quickly and before we know it, it will be September again and all the amazing ideas I had for day trips will have slipped away for another year.

This year seems different

*AJ has been with his lovely girlfriend *A for two and half years now and they are very much a couple. *CAL has three good friendships (answer to so many prayers) So I feel more like a Taxi service, but that is good because my kids are growing and becoming independent. It’s time for me to connect with me again and it’s quite a scary thought. I have quite a few ideas about how I will do this but that will be in future posts.

There is a seven year gap between my kids

It has been tricky trying to balance family activities over the years. Especially as both of them have that ASD quirkiness going for them. Also I lost my lovely Mom when *CAL was 4 and Mr Locoman has always worked long hours.

*AJ is a sensory seeker and *CAL is very much a sensory avoider

*AJ needs to run it out, he needs excitement and stimulation. He needs his body to have the kind of environment where he can be his happy, flappy, jumping, spinning, adventurous self. He is a pacer and is constantly on the move. Even when his body is still his mind and fingers are active. Now he is older one of the ways he has found of getting this release is in exercise. He has a gym membership and we have provided gym equipment for him out on the patio.

*CAL is a deep thinker she absorbs, she internalises, she studies, ponders and creates. She needs quiet and routine and doesn’t handle noise and movement too well at times. When overwhelmed she will cling to a wall, freeze and lose her words. Her release comes through music, art, reading, her imagination, writing and video games.

When *AJ was younger and *CAL was a toddler

*AJ loved going to indoor play areas, ball pools and slides were wonderful for him. The colours and movement stimulated him and he would be so happy just to be there. It would also help him sleep for longer than 3 hours if I could wear him out. But *CAL was terrified in those places. She would go into that baby shock look and shake from head to toe clinging to me like a little baby monkey. She never cried like *AJ did, she never cried much at all. I could just see that something was not quite right. The discomfort and complete fear she would show I could see instinctively. I knew with *AJ when he was unhappy or in pain because he’d scream the place down. With *CAL I have always had to watch her and try to understand what she is feeling by her movements and inability to answer.

I remember feeling so split in two

I didn’t know what to do for the best. I could see my boy had needs and I wanted to provide the environment and safety for him to have his hyper time. But my little *CAL just couldn’t handle it at all. She has always had fears with noise even vacuuming became a 2 man job. Mr Locoman always being at work was so annoying. I really needed his help but I also needed him to pay the bills so I tried to keep a lid on it, most of the time. wink wink

This is just one example from thoughts I had when opening my bedroom curtains this morning. I looked out onto my garden and remembered both my kids chasing the chickens. It’s a dry day here today in England and the school holidays have just begun. I don’t want to waste these precious days, I want to go out with my kids and make memories before they have grown even more and left the nest.

There are so many more moments that I can think on where I thought I would never find a way forward. Swimming, cinema, parties, bowling, indoor rock climbing, arcades, shopping centres even the local supermarket have all had their difficult moments. It doesn’t help that I have similar ASD traits and these places have sometimes been difficult for me too. But I think in a way my ASD did also help me to read my kids and to a certain extent predict what may or may not happen.

Asking the right people the right questions

I have found the hardest thing to cope with has been unkind advice from friends and relatives who just didn’t get it. Those who made it perfectly clear to me that they would treat this whole thing very differently if they just had them for a couple of weeks. I was a young Mom and my Mom was ill and then she died. I went to them for help and they pushed me to my knees but I am now grateful they did because God gave me my answers.

I’ll share a few comments that have played in my head and hurt my heart over the last 18 years because I know there are other ASD parents who can totally relate. These were all spoken to me by those I felt would give me support. Let’s just say, I was strong enough to cope without these people but it hurt so deeply at the time.

• *CAL will have to use a public toilet someday just drag her in there and stop being so ridiculous.
• *AJ just needs to sit still and be quiet, he needs to only speak when spoken to.
• Can’t you stop that child from talking about the same thing all the time.
• You make your kids worse by playing to their behaviour, they need to know their place.
• This is a party, why do you need to leave she’s not screaming, it’s all in your head.
• Children will eat what they are given once they are hungry.
• I have never heard of a baby crying itself to death.
• Do you actually think these star charts will work he is out of control.
• If you can’t control him now you have no hope of controlling him when he is a teen.
• Autism is an excuse that lazy parents use you’re making it more than it is.
• If you insist on being Autistic then I don’t want you in my house. I don’t want your kids behaviours rubbing off on my kids.

I stopped expecting anyone to understand, I stepped back and waited to see who stepped forward. Very few did, but those who did step forward and not let me totally withdraw I appreciate so very much.

I also found that being outdoors helped.

I used what I had in me to find ways forward. My own special interests (my love of animals, art, nature, photography and poetry) all brought some balance into our lives. Taking my kids and my dog to the hills and parks was perfectly perfect for all of us.

*CAL was happy with the quiet and gentle views, she’d sing and skip and take photos. *AJ could run and climb and be all that *AJ is, we’d sometimes take Zazzy and *AJ stayed with her making his adventures even more fun. At the hills and in the woods I could ponder, pray and be happy with just being me and being their Mommy in the way I understood. No pressure to conform but to just be.

The answers I have always found through prayer

Because once I am being still and listening or I am down on my knees feeling I don’t have a clue, God drops ideas into my head and places His unconditional love on my heart. I believe now that my kids were given to me because I am the best Mom for them. I know how much I love them and will always love them. Way down deep inside me is the answers I just need to always remember to be still and listen.

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Emotions let loose

Meltdown shutdown in paint

Emotions let loose

by Alienhippy

I.

Crushed crippled insides

Grafted piety erodes my soul

Attackers voice, loud accuser

Internal wrench of past pain

Constant battering of imaginings

A need of expression

Aching, craving, longing

II.

I yearn humbled seekers

Seekers of the still

Come comforter enter

My Hazenland of desperation

Another soul searcher to rest

Trapped in lonely wanderings

Tainted emptiness ever present

III.

Always teasing, taunting

Away you scars of venom

Cracking this mind to darkened want

Pressing, poking, pushing

Spiked corner of isolation

Spoken or swallowed?

Digested be these fearsome words

IV.

The unyielding nag of deception

Frantic and irrational verging on paranoia

Addicted to abusive mistakes

Patterns pressing deeper

Into this scarlet blood swelled abyss

Solitude, but not peace filled

An island of not knowing

V.

Too confused

Too loud, too bright,

Too obsessive, too demanding

Too passionate

Too sensual

Too many, too much, too much

Too much of everything

VI.

Explosive internal cravings

This heavy drain of guilt

Those judging eyes

They tell of my wretchedness

Or is it their own?

I cling to truth

Knowing I am enough

VII.

I know love

I am loved

He is love

I. how the religious can sometimes make me feel

II. yearning for spiritual connection and communication

III. my sin and fear, self judgement after being in a religious sect

IV. confusion caused by absorbing the emotions of others

V. how this world can sometimes make me feel

VI. how people can sometimes make me feel

VII. giving it all to God

**********************************************************

NOTE: Hazenland is an imaginary world, a place of escape and acceptance.

Let it be……

*AJ’s first day at school (Nervous Mommy)

YAY…No school till September

*AJ finished college a few weeks back and has got into his own happy *AJ routine. He is playing his guitar again and singing more. He is cooking for himself and this week I have been taking him out driving. He started his driving lessons just after he finished his A levels and now is at the stage where he can drive a car but just needs practise. We have been out driving an hour a day each day this week. He has most of his manoeuvres covered and tomorrow he sits his theory test. Two of his friends are also sitting theirs and they have all planned to open their results together in a nice pub in our city centre.

 

This morning was *CAL’s school leavers assembly

*AJ and my Auntie came along with me to watch it. All the children performed beautifully and were a credit to the school. It was odd for *AJ being back in his old primary school after 7 years. One of the TA’s said, “Oh my, it’s little *AJ and he’s not little anymore.” He seemed a little bit embarrassed by this. He spent some time chatting with the headmaster about what he has been studying and what he has planned. My baby boy no longer a baby but planning his future career.

*CAL sang beautifully and smiled throughout the whole assembly

They sang many songs by The Beatles and I couldn’t help but think how much my lovely Mom would have enjoyed being there. My Mom LOVED the Beatles. I think God had a hand in the choice of songs, so very special it was. I thought about Mom sitting on her deck chair at school sports days when *AJ was little. She always brought her deck chair with her because the tiny little school seats would always sink into the lawn and make it difficult for her to get back up. She died the year *CAL started school and each school assembly and Christmas event have all carried a sting for me. Mom was a very active and loving Nanny always wanting to be around her kids and grandchildren.

I took many photos of *CAL with her school friends

I love seeing my kids with their friends, seeing them smile and giggle it just melts my heart. It seems so odd to think that after fourteen years of taking my children to and from this school I will no longer have that routine. I know we have a new routine to get into once September comes and I really don’t want to think about it just yet. Also I am not looking forward to the cost of all *CAL’s new school uniform and everything *AJ is going to be needing for university.

It’s also a very exciting time because I see they are growing

They are becoming their own people and they are so very perfect in my eyes. I’m not saying they are little Angels just that they are good kids who take life one day at a time and treat people with the respect and kindness that a lot of kids their age forget about. Both of them are so very accepting and loving and I am mega proud to be their Mom.

One thing I can see after 19 days of everyday blogging

My most inspiring part of the day is the first three hours after waking. I have so many words and thoughts that make total sense at that time of the day. After being around people I notice my thoughts disappear and my head fills up with the visual blasts of everything I experience.

Both my kids sleep in, they like to have a lie in now

There was a time when I was up 4-5am chasing *AJ around the garden in my Jim-Jams because he decided to get himself up and go collect bugs naked. (Well he was wearing his little blue welly boots, does that count as naked still?)

Also times where I was up in the middle of the night watching repetitive episodes of Dora the Explorer. *CAL mimicked Dora and spoke Spanish when she spoke no English at all. She knew all the tunes and would wake up singing them and not go back to sleep without having her back rubbed for hours on end. It was just easier to get up and watch Dora until she fell asleep in her little pink chair and me on the sofa feeling half dead. It wasn’t easy, *AJ was ten years old and *CAL was three, I had nonstop Pokemon by day and Dora by night. I wouldn’t change it though and at least now I know why it seemed like everyone else was doing it right and I couldn’t seem to find a way to get things to work.

Can I be disciplined I ask myself?

I see no reason why early morning during the holidays I can’t devote a little more time to me. To finding me before the house gets busy. Listening and recording my filtered process after the calmness that sleep brings. Before the sensory bombardments of the outside world fill up my mind and steal my inspiration.

I have quite a few ideas I have collected but can’t seem to find my muse if you like. I know I need to pray about it and wait on God. But also I need to not force myself to write when I have nothing in me to express. I just need to be honest with myself and accept who I am and how I roll. Sometimes I just need to let it be……

Love and hugs. xx