Babble my way through oblivious
I have been thinking about how I used to fake it
Fake what? Fake me…that’s what! I would act so well to be like everyone else, just so I wasn’t on my own. It was such bloody hard work, and I still got rejected. I see so many people pushing themselves to be like others so they feel accepted. I have done it so many times myself, made comparisons and moulded, recreated me to the likeness of another. Wanting so much to be part of the norm, but never really quite making the mark.
Most of the time now I am happy just being me
I don’t feel the need to conform and I tend to avoid all people who are not open to who I am. But it hasn’t always been like this, especially when I was younger. Yes, I still have days when I would love to be just like everyone else. To be able to just mingle with other women my age and find chatting easy. To be able to do that light and surface conversation thing they do and not be dragged into a tangent thought. My tangents will spiral off in all directions, my visual thinking sees to that. Mainly it goes into abstract, depth and meaning. My analytical thinking has to take things apart, back down to the roots and find parallels. This is my way of understanding and finding connection, feeling part of what goes on.
What happens with my thinking?
If I’m confident with those around me, without realising, I become intense and self challenging in my conversation. I think out loud before even processing, all my many thoughts and analysis comes pouring out of my mouth or through my fingers. Being questioned or criticised while processing out loud is too much for me to cope with. Also having my thoughts interrupted is very hard for me to get back on track. I can go into meltdown/shutdown depending on my confidence level. I know this puts people off and I have had times when I just stopped being me.
After an out pour I very often will go into a loop, I replay everything and worry about every word, every action, every suggestion, every idea. But I know now, that those who are genuine, loving, accepting and kind will get to know me and know my ways. They see past all my quirkiness, all my babble and see my heart. When I’m not confident I don’t speak, or I take on the persona of another mimicking and agreeing with their confident ways, out of my own insecurity and fear of rejection.
Thoughts I have to fight, these lead to spirals
It would be nice to occasionally have a friend to sit with for coffee, or someone to chat to while out walking. It would be nice to have someone who is interested in the same things as me and I don’t have to just talk on line. It would be nice to be able to cope with the crowd and noise, not have this social fear and anxiety of doing things that are new. It would have been nice to have had a best friend growing up, to have been part of a girlie group and accepted.
But being chatty on a surface level is too hard for me
It just isn’t who I am, I feel uncomfortable with it. I’m not good with the contact either, women tend to touch each other when talking and just the thought of that is uncomfortable for me. Also… truth being told, I find general chit chat extremely boring. I am so oblivious to what is on the TV and who/what is “in” or “out” of the popular. Listening to it is so irritating it hurts my head. I said I was being honest, please don’t hate me for it…giggle.
As I learn more about my Aspie traits
I see that I have always put myself down, always seen myself as the one at fault. I have never really appreciated the way I am wired, because I felt so alone, so alien. Being Dyslexic and not being able to read at times is an added aloneness, but something I am seeing now as my time for reconnection with God. A time to recharge and a time to download all my many, many, many thoughts in whatever way I can.
Since finding others who are like myself
Other female Aspies, Mom’s of Aspies and those who are accepting and loving towards people on the spectrum, things have started to change for me. I see that through me learning to accept myself, actually love who I am created to be, God is helping me to see that I have done extremely well. It is fine for me to be unique and not part of the crowd because I am connected to Him, to self and to those who I can love and receive love from.
I believe God brings people at the right time
I think that once I have learned how to remain myself and not imitate, God will bring me close friendship in my everyday life as well as my on-line friends. I feel good about that now! Those who rejected or did not appreciate my friendship I have stepped back from and allowed God to bring me more open, honest, loyal friendship.
New LONG words, that I don’t know
I am reading my thesaurus a lot and writing a list of new long words that I don’t know. Words that speak happy. I can write poetry from the depths of my emotion, but I can’t seem to write it from the experience of joy. God has been speaking a lot of Psalms into me lately. I know a lot of Psalms about pulling myself from the depths of despair, I perhaps need to look to the Psalms on rejoicing in His name and bringing Him glory.
I know how to express being happy in Jesus, being happy in my kids, happy in nature and animals, even being happy absorbed in my special interests. But I don’t know how to express or write about being happy in just being myself. It seems a very new thing but I know it’s one of the first things I ever did. It means tapping into my inner child. All little children are happy just being themselves.
Thanks for listening and letting me babble. I think I have found a direction to ponder in now.
Love and hugs. xx
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
A song off the new Christian CD I have just ordered.
Jamie Grace – With You
(The first few lines are just perfect for Aspies. )