As an Aspie I know what it’s like to live a life of imitation. To be drawn to the brightest personality in a room. To watch in silence and long to be like them. To study and learn their ways, rehearse in visual replays, then put on the mask to perform for the crowd. I did this for many years and in those years felt so much pain, so much fear, so much rejection and so much self loathing.
It is something I still struggle with and pray about every day.
“JUST BEING ME!”
We all learn by imitation
But I have come to realise that we can also try to love by imitation. I mean losing oneself totally putting oneself on hold and modifying aspects of oneself in hope that people we like what we present. I have done this out of love, but found I wasn’t loved back. I was showering my love on the wrong person.
I think that a lot of people, even those who seem confident, have their own issues, their own fears and self hates. It’s just that a lot of people are not open about it. They hide these things because they want to be perfect or they don’t want people to know that they struggle. So a perfect imitation of the self they portray is not really what they are looking for. Especially if they don’t like themselves much for not being perfect.
We all have a hole in our hearts
It is God shaped. No matter how much love we give and receive without receiving God’s unconditional love we are always going to be searching. Searching for more, for deeper, for honesty, for openness and promises. I have been doing this all my life and now realise just how much pressure this puts on any relationship. It was my own insecurity that made me keep looking to others. To those that seemed more confident, “together” with life. Those who seemed to have “made it” and had gained respect. Or those who were just very out of themselves.
In essence….I can see
I believe now that what I have been seeking has always been within me.
The love and acceptance I have longed for was because I never loved or accepted myself. Therefore could not receive the love and acceptance of others because as an Aspie I just didn’t understand. I didn’t understand outside of my own ways and felt rejected for what I was able, or unable to give. I couldn’t read the signs and would analyse it wrongly based on my past hurts. I stored up all the negative which then caused reactions within me as I tried to do new things or enjoy new people.
God brings me healing for this and I will be forever grateful to Him for opening my eyes. It was not easy accepting healing and I have had to pray daily for His guidance and to have the confusion in my head transformed. All those years of negativity turned to positive and now can be used to help others stuck in the darkness, the loneliness that not knowing can bring.
I trust in my Saviour and I knew He would show me. I’m not totally there yet, but each day becomes easier and I see His blessings before me.
Love by imitation
I first learned to imitate my Mom, she was a safe person for me to imitate. She loved me unconditionally and she loved and had faith in Jesus. I learned to wear her mask because I knew I was like my Dad. My Dad had and still has a lot of self hatred. This is because he is Autistic and has never felt he belonged. My Dad has never learnt about how his traits affect his everyday life. He doesn’t understand how his misunderstanding of others, the bitterness he holds inside, is only hurting him.
I know in my heart that my nature is to imitate.
I cannot be any other way it is how I am wired. So I look now not to those who can never fill my void but to God living in me. I look to who God created me to be.
I “Listen through the Loops” the many loops of my Autistic mind.
And I wait on God’s perfect timing.
God is love and I know that He will always be there for me.
I’m not talking about church, I’m not talking about Christianity, I’m not talking about others meeting my needs, or about serving and deeds. I have been very hurt/damaged by religion and the religious, forgiveness is for us so we don’t become bitter. I’m talking about personal walk with Christ. My own journey through life with my guide and counsellor the Holy Spirit.
What I see in the Bible about God’s Church
Church is not about a building, it should be about family, God’s family here on earth. But churches are social places filled with all sorts of different people, from all walks all carrying loads of baggage. They are all struggling to find who they are in God, or they are stripping down who they are to find God beneath their pride. I have been in both pairs of shoes and if people are honest they know they have too.
The problem with social places is those on the spectrum have fear from the start. Just being in groups of people is a shock to our system. We are battered inside by the noise of others and we see every detail that is presented before us. We take every challenge from the pulpit personally and we are so overwhelmed by the whole ordeal we shutdown and can’t process everything in our heads.
NOW….DON’T YOU THINK IT’S INTERESTING
JESUS PREACHED OUTSIDE?
I like to believe in what is good
I believe that all people want to be loved, want to give and receive love and that is what God is about. I know there are also some nasty people in this world but if I think on those I would never leave my house. I think a lot of people (Aspie and NT) when hurting look for an escape. I know I have lived in films, in fantasy, my special interests and it has been a wonderful place for me. But I also need to live. I need to live my life to the full just as Jesus promised I could, through the freedom He brings through the gift of the Holy Spirit.
So to love by imitation to me is not wrong
As long as I imitate Christ.
No longer looking to those in a room who I think are the Bee’s knees, but to Christ living in me and bringing me healing each day. To the love I have in my heart given by Him to love others. Sharing that love in my spirit and each day growing into His likeness. No longer hiding, no longer fearing but seeing Him in me and the brightness of Him shining from me. Accepting my humanity, my failings, my hurts and laying them at His feet, knowing he will grow me from the inside. Trusting in His perfect plan.
I pray each day to be all He has created me to be, and embrace the joy of my journey.
“And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit,”
(2 Corinthians 3:18 NIV)
What I read this morning.