“Bog off…frantic thought loop!”

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends.

Yesterday I was all over the place…now when I say that, I don’t mean I actually travelled all over the place.

I mean emotionally and mentally I was all over the place….giggle

I’m sure there are a few who know exactly what I mean…for those few {{{hugs}}} xx

As an aspie being all over the place in my head also means my stimming kicked in, and I find it very hard to focus on anything, other than my frantic negative thought loop. With all of its video replays and it’s extremely loud nagging voice, telling me how much better I could have done everything.

IF ONLY YOU HAD DONE IT THIS WAY LISA!

IF ONLY YOU HAD SAID IT THAT WAY LISA!

YOU DO EVERYTHING WRONG DON’T YOU LISA???

Do you get my drift?

Can anyone relate??? Please tell me I’m not alone with this….giggle.

Am I being a little too open here?….oh well, I have nothing else to blog!..hehehe

We were out all day on Sunday

It was a little too much for both my *CAL and me.

Then on Monday morning my little *CAL had a lot of trouble doing things for herself.

She was extremely shakey, her dyspraxia was very obvious. I was very close to tears watching her try so hard to do things.

Also she seemed quite switched off to everything going on in our home.

I rushed her off to school, trying hard to be on time and she wasn’t really very happy.

I spoke to someone in the school about her and didn’t come away from the conversation very positive about it.

Of course because I was drained from a full day on Sunday, I spiralled.

My frantic thought loop took control of all my thinking for most of the day.

I am a terrible worrier when it comes to my kids

My frantic thought loop gives me no rest with this.

Eventually I tried to distract my frantic aspie thoughts by coming to bloggyland and reading my favourite blogs.

A bloggy friend Merri from “Treasures in the Dust” had just published a new post.

This post was so positive and gave me Bible references.

One of them was Psalm 40 which happens to be one of my favourites.

So…I took myself off to read my Bible, all I needed to do was feed my negative thoughts with positive ones. I can do this by reading and praying.

I can positively feed my thoughts with special interests too.

I know that I can also slow down my frantic thoughts by writing and doing art, or getting absorbed in a fantasy film or even YouTube mooching.

So, I realised that for me as an Aspie my special interests have to be done or I lose control of my thinking and it can become very negative.

Then that can affect how I act throughout my day, how I treat myself and my understanding of others.

I also realised…

That if I have been over stimulated in a day the next day I am not as resilient.

My friend Laura also blogged about this yesterday, she is also an aspie and found that after going to a party and having her senses over stimulated the next day she was completely drained.

I will just say that I spent from 9am till 4pm dwelling on my negative thoughts about myself.

I can be extremely hard on myself when I am like this.

Once I allowed myself to focus on one of my special interests

I was able to gain control and pack my brain with better thoughts. Which then allowed my Aspie-happy to be uncovered and start to feel it could breathe again.

So…I have learned quite a lot about myself with this, and it has made a lot of sense of my past.

And just when I thought I had all the pieces for my Autistic jig-saw, along comes another.

I guess this jig-saw is bigger than I thought.

The verse that really helped me to understand this about myself is

Psalm 40:11

Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.

*I realised when I read this that God can protect my thoughts too.

*He is merciful and faithful but above all a loving Father.

Poem “Late again our Lisa?”

Poem “Late again our Lisa?”

by Lisa Lock

I got up early and got time to pray

Then went about getting on with my day

My afternoon planned with my hubs family

To cope with this meant Church for me

˜

So as usual I got distracted, I can’t remember what with

I’m always late for everything it’s just the way I live

I try so hard to be on time but I just find things to do

Priorities I can’t understand… I really do try to

˜

I got to Church a little late and sneaked through the back door

The door it squeaked really loud, it’s not done that before

I tip toed in and took a pew in front of Albert my friend

With Albert’s deep voice at such volume a message he did send

˜

“Where ya bin our Lisa?”

Boomed Albert at full pelt

“I was just about ta phone ya!”

Errrgh….I wanted to just melt

˜

Into the floor and just disappear

The congregation turned to hear

Me “SHUSH!” old Albert with what he said

And then I felt my face turn RED

˜

I didn’t know quite what to do, so… I giggled for a while

Then I caught on Brenda’s face, the twitching of a smile

I held my nose to stop the laugh and snorted just a bit

Then had to cover my whole face to hide my giggle fit

˜

Then Sheila started tittering and ken he laughed out loud

Then the organist looked down her nose, she really is quite proud

˜

It really was a joy to see

That by me being just little me

God had shown us all just what His plan is

A giggling line of childlike wrinklies

˜

If God has given His love to us then we shouldn’t be afraid

The ransom and the sacrifice, has already been paid

He came to earth to be with us, to walk and talk as friends

His life has been the light of man, His love He freely sends

˜

But how can I deserve such love when I can’t always see

The faith I need to just let go, and really just be me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is the “SPIRIT” of Christmas?

Hello my lovely friends out there in bloggyland.

I just have something short to share here as it is Saturday morning and we are about to crack on with the decorating, yet again, will it ever end….ugh

Yesterday I was feeling rather low, sometimes the opinions and looks I get really hurt. I can feel quite isolated by the way people treat me. I am very high functioning and I can do all the surface stuff and look like I fit, but I crave deeper friendship and more interesting conversation.

Wanting deeper friendships and not being able to find people in my life outside of bloggyland and email can really get to me sometimes. I don’t know or understand how to be shallow. Also I find polite conversation extremely irritating. Sometimes even painful at times….lol

Also knowing that I can be an annoyance to people when they are friendly makes me quite confused sometimes. I don’t read people very well and this causes me to get quite hurt because I confuse politeness and acquaintances as a reach of friendship. I think I am ok if I just do all the expected things, the surface crap that everyone else seems to do. But…once I start being myself people run for the hills or look at me like I have two heads or something.

I have spent the last 5 months discovering what being an adult on the Autistic spectrum means to me.

I feel safe here in bloggyland, I have friends that care and understand. Out there in the world it is so much harder. People can be so shallow, and they say that we are the selfish, self consumed ones. Are we, or do we just not let ourselves out anymore because of the rejection we experienced growing up???

The shops at the moment are so full of people

They are all rushing around only interested in getting what they need for Christmas. They push and shove, I have even witnessed two women fighting over a toy in one shop. I find this kind of behaviour so hard to cope with. With my sensory problems the shops can seem quite terrifying at this time.

I love Christmas it’s a time of giving and a time to celebrate the birth of Christ.

This world make no sense at all when I see this type of behaviour in my local shops. I wonder why people behave this way towards one another. I was brought up very much protected and, as I have said before, our family lived in an Autistic bubble. BUT….I was safe.

My little sis was sensible and got all her Christmas presents sorted before the rush.

Also with little *J’s epilepsy, she had to go before all the flashing lights went up, as they can trigger off his seizures.

But you know what I’m like!

I just didn’t think as usual. I am so hopeless at preplanning. I was saying this to *AJ this morning I love weekends and holidays because there are no time limits set on me. I am hopeless at getting anywhere on time and this is where I am getting hurt. I can’t seem to be able to do what is required of me. Then I am made to feel like I am wrong, inadequate or broken in some way.

I wrote a poem yesterday and blogged it.

A lovely bloggy friend Heather from “Where the Butterflies go” picked up on my feelings in this poem, perhaps because she is a poet.

Being the lovely person she is, she left me a very helpful comment. She was listening to Bon Jovi while reading my post and left me a few of the lyrics to encourage me.

The lyrics read, “step into the deep end, make yourself at home. When you wonder why you’re breathing, know you’re not alone.”

Well I had to listen to this so what does an Aspie YouTube addict do when given lyrics?

YES…we mooch! I just love YouTube mooching.

I found the video, I even found it with lyrics…but I needed cartoon….That’s just how I work…giggle

I found a wonderful video of this song it hasn’t got the lyrics, but “joy oh joy!”

It is with the kids film….”Spirit” I so love kids films.

If you haven’t watched Spirit then please do yourself a favour and get the DVD. It is such a wonderful film about being trapped and made to be something you are not. Spirit is a wild horse made to conform….can you see where I am going with this….giggle.

While watching this video I also found something very inspiring for a friend of mine.

So, yet again I am amazed at the way God works

in His most mysterious of ways.

Enjoy this video I found it very helpful in so many ways.

That’s Aspie life Lisa, get over it!

That’s Aspie life Lisa, get over it!

by Lisa Lock

So I opened up a new post and I’m just gonna babble

But I haven’t got a clue what about

So I tap at the keys and try to escape my bubble

As my brain loops around and works it out

˜

I have had two crazy days, and I’ve been a little busy

I found I had to pray an awful lot

It brings me comfort praying, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea

But.. if I don’t do it, my life just goes to pot

˜

If you can’t relate to what I say, then please don’t fret about it

I know I’m a little different to the rest

But I find that with my faith, I carry on and I don’t quit

I keep trying to live my life and do my best

˜

I am known as Aspie-happy but I don’t always feel this way

Sometimes it’s hard to walk out through the door

I can live and fit into this world, but I very rarely say

You’ve met part of me, would you like to meet some more

˜

All my lovely friends in bloggyland, they know the Rainbow me

And they like me just exactly as I am

But when it comes to this world, it’s much harder to be free

I really wish I didn’t give a damn!

˜

So I keep on taking negative blows

Pray to get out of my lows

Take the look the mock and thrown

Then turn that negative upside down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My singing dancing Banana, now wants to be an Elf.

Severn Valley Railway

Hello my friends in bloggyland.

Just a quick post tonight, I’ve had a busy day.

What am I going to blog about then?

Let me just tell you about *AJ and what he is up to now….hehehe

Rocking around the Christmas tree

Rudolf the red nose reindeer

Can you stop the cavalry

The 12 days of Christmas

Ok….these are a few of the songs that *AJ is singing and playing on his guitar constantly at the moment.

At this present minute he is having a heated debate with his stepdad, Mr Locoman, as to why he cannot go busking for charity on Christmas eve on the platform of the Severn Valley Railway.

Can I just add that My lovely boy has been nagging at me to order him an Elf costume since he walked in from college. He even made up his own song about it and sang it repetitively till I ended up nearly screaming at him.

He doesn’t seem to understand that all these costumes cost a lot of money.

The Banana and Carrot costumes were not cheap you know!!

If I buy him this outfit then *CAL wants one too, So I end up spending twice as much.

Well then…let’s see, what we got!

My singing dancing Banana, now wants to be an Elf.

A guitar playing, carol singing, Santa helping, charity Elf.

Busking around the railway platform of the Santa Express steam train.

At the Severn Valley Railway.

One of the most festive of places to be, at Christmas.

It is just so old fashioned.

They serve roasted chestnuts, mulled wine and have Christmas fairy lights everywhere.

It is just so very busy there around Christmas time.

So we have tried to explain to him

image from Google

Maybe around a shopping area would be a better idea, he has his heart set on the railway.

I just said to him, “You do realise *AJ that to do this you need to know all these song off by heart!”

And he replied, “Don’t be silly Mother, you can hold the words up for me!”

I really hadn’t planned to spend Christmas Eve as a busking Elf’s helper at a steam railway.

I had plans of relaxing and doing nothing but preparing for the mad Christmas dinner cook up.

But I must say… I feel very challenged by his heart to want to raise money for charity.

I prayed for him to get more confident in his talents.

AND… he is involving his friend *D.W.Klymax, because he wants to help him with his singing.

They both play the guitar, but I think D.W. is wearing *AJ Santa outfit.

Do you remember D.W.  he is the young guy who dresses up as where’s Wally.

Anyway my friends,

I think tomorrow once I get paid, I will probably be ordering an Elf costume, maybe even two.

I mean what would you do?

Jack Frost came he glittered the floor

image from Google

Jack Frost came he glittered the floor

by *CAL and Lisa Lock

Jack Frost came he glittered the floor

And painted our black car white

He painted the trees and all the grass

He must have had fun last night

˜

We got ready for school, we were actually on time

But we had to de-ice the car

Then we drove really slow so the car didn’t skid

It’s really not that far

˜

We was late again, only a bit

But it’s really slippery this ice

We had such fun skidding and skating

This memory is really nice

*********************************************************

But we get to school and the Head is there

Through the window he is staring

I looked at the floor to avoid his glare

My naughty girl mask I’m wearing

˜

Yet another late mark for my little *CAL

I feel like I’m letting her down

I don’t seem able to do what’s required

I seem to be just a clown

˜

So I skid and I skate and I feel really bad

As I walk on the frost back home

I try my best to fit in this world

But sometimes I wish they’d leave us alone

_______________________________________________________________________

 

My little *CAL and me made this up on the way to school today.

The last three verses came to me on the walk back to my car.

 

Does anyone get what I’m saying here?

Image from Google

Hello my lovely friends out there in

wonderful bloggyland.

How are you all?

Please leave your answers in my comments,

I do care…I wouldn’t ask otherwise. X  ;)

I have been really missing having the internet.

It’s just not the same on my mobile, and using other peoples computers.

I  like to blog from the comfort of my own home even if it is only a quarter decorated and in need of a serious revamp after the builders.

Don’t get me wrong , my Aunties flat is beautiful.

BUT… she notices if I even put a spoon back in the draw incorrectly or move a coaster slightly.

O.C.D… it runs in the family you know……hehehehehe

I have  a man upstairs at the moment.

image from Google

He looks just like a young Prince William.

You know the one, the future King of England.

He is looking at my modem and doing something to my router….giggle

STOP IT! He’s not much older than *AJ.

Any Aussies reading this….I said …ROUTER with a “U”

NOT double “O”

AND anyway….I’m a happily married woman….lmho

Sorry I just couldn’t resist that one, don’t unsubscribe please.

I promise I won’t do it again.  :)

I was thinking today about yesterdays post

My visit to the doctors all those years ago. Trying to get a diagnoses for my Aspergers Syndrome.

I got chatting with my friend about it actually.

An opportunity has turned up at the school for me to get help and advice.

The lady that is now working with *CAL every Tuesday, also sees me every Tuesday to chat about how I’m coping with my special needs kids, while having Dyslexia and undiagnosed Aspergers myself.

I have been thinking I might take advantage of this, and maybe try again with support to get myself labelled….hehehe

So I spoke to my friend to see what she thought.

I trust my friend she is very honest and knows me very well.

She said that she thinks I understand myself better than I give myself credit for.

Also she felt that an official diagnoses would shut up those annoying people in my life that don’t want to believe me.

So If I get the opportunity I should go for it.

I love how honest and open my friend is, she says just what she thinks and that’s just great with me.

I don’t cope well with falseness.

I was chatting with her about this via email this morning and I must say it started my Aspie ranting off just a little.

My friend told me that she thought I had got the beginning of my next post.

She was right I was looking for inspiration.

So…be warned ALIENHIPPY RANTING about to start….lol

Do you know what I really hate???

When someone says to me, “Hello Lisa, how are you?” and then they smile.

I don’t know what to do. Do I answer them honestly, they did smile after all.

Errrrrrmmmm ….Are they just being polite, or do they really give a monkeys.

Well let’s just THINK about that shall we Lisa!

What has happened in the past???

I’ve answered them honestly and they have listened for a while.

Then either walked off, called someone else to rescue them or made an excuse after looking at their watch…lol

So…why do they even ask, it’s just stupid really isn’t it!!!

Politeness you say!!!

I don’t think it is very polite when someone is talking to just walk off and go ask someone else how their holiday was.

Or…Did you see Eastenders last night?

Or, to be constantly looking over your shoulder for a chance to escape.

Or even to ask you how you are, then talk over the top of you, and tell you how they are.

I find it just ridiculous. I didn’t ask them they asked me.

SO…why not just say, I have some problems can I talk to you. It makes no sense at all to me.

If they want to be polite and don’t really want to know how I am.

Then why not just say…..

“Hello Lisa!” or “Hi there!” or the classic “Have a good day!”

Wave to me or simply just nod and smile.

And here is another RANT about to start.

When I try to explain about having Aspergers to people and about my Kids. They say some of the most ridiculous things.

I mean us humans are the strangest of creatures sometimes…lol

These are some of the replies I’ve gotten off very well meaning people when I have mentioned Aspergers to them, and about maybe getting a diagnoses.

Are you ready…???

It might be fun if you add your silly replies in my comments….giggle

This one is a good one!

“Well….you’ve managed so well with everything in your life, how is a bit of paper going to help!”

Then there is this one!

“I don’t think there is anything wrong with you Lisa, you are just a little bit shy!”

The best one I have ever heard has got to be this one, See if you can beat it…lol

“Lisa you need to get your head out of the psychology books and back into the theology books, where is your focus girl?”

Well I told my friend about all this, she thought it was kind of funny.

Her reply was….. no, you are NOT shy!!

Shy people don’t sing and dance in the co-op! LMHO!

Exactly that’s my point….I’m not at all shy.

I’m extremely loud and over the top in my comfort zones.
It’s just out there with the world, I feel afraid so I don’t allow them in, they don’t really know me.

I AM NOT SHY……..Errrrrghhh. Eyes just freak me out….lol

I think people mean well and believe that by telling me there is nothing wrong with me, they think they are helping me in some strange kind of way. They don’t realise just how insulting it actually is. If I was this weird and there was nothing wrong with me, I’d be very, very strange don’t you think…..giggle

Do you understand what I am saying???

Does anyone get what I’m saying here?

I mean who else gets up every night at 3am instinctively to go and sing and pray to God.

Monks, Nuns. I don’t think they do it instinctively, I think they have bells to wake them up.
Who else has only one real friend when they are as friendly and open as me.
Yes…. I just find it very insulting when they say stupid things like that.

It’s the same with my kids, when they say she’ll grow out of it.
Why does she have to grow out of anything. Apart from her clothes and shoes.

It’s just who she is, how she’s made. The way she is created.
I’m so glad God loves us all and we can all be ourselves with Him.

So anyway, here ends the RANT.

I hope I haven’t offended anybody with my openness and honesty here.

I didn’t intend to and I’m dreadfully sorry if I have.

image from Google

BUT….if you look at the top of my blog page it does say

Alienhippy’s blog “A place where I can be me”

Love and hugs. xx :)

PS…Guess what?

Prince William fixed me, I have blogged from home….YAY!!!!!!!!!

Writing on paper

Hello all my friends in bloggyland,

I still have no internet.

Well this morning I made my husband late for work, because he had to wait for me to finish using the internet on his mobile phone….hehehe

I told Mr Locoman, he’d better sort out these computers quickly, and get onto a technician today. I feel like I’m going mad. I’m either walking around talking to myself or staring into space. I really need to blog.

I gave him a kiss and reluctantly handed him back his mobile….. ugh

My new mobile is active now but I haven’t got a clue how to use it.

I figured out how to get onto wordpress…aren’t I clever.

BUT… I can’t blog from my phone, I can only read and comment. Plus I cannot figure out my emails.

I will have to go back to the shop tomorrow for my dummy run through. That shop was really hard work for me, with everything that was going on. I left a comment about this for Spectrummy Mommy on my decorating poem. There was far too much noise and activity in this shop for me to understand anything that was going on.

I managed to read one blog this morning and leave one comment from my hubby mobile.

Every morning I enjoy reading and commenting on my favourite blogs,

while doing my kids lunches and getting them ready for school. I sometimes get to chat and have a giggle and it is a lovely start to my day.

Today I found myself staring into space, with loads of thoughts I wanted to blog.

I had even put my ABBA Gold on to try to distract myself from how I was feeling. It sort of worked; well I had a dance around anyway, while getting on with my chores.

Eventually I said to myself, “Lisa…this is ridiculous, you just need to write it on paper and type it up and blog it when you can. So I went and had a rummage for a note book.

Written in this note book

That I found at the bottom of one of the desk draws, is a letter that I wrote to myself, a few years ago. It was from when I first started to realise that I had Aspergers Syndrome. I had gone to see my Doctor and had not been treated very well. The doctor had laughed at me and said things that made me feel really stupid. I had not long lost my Mom.

My Mom was the person who helped me make sense of this world.

I really needed her and she wasn’t there anymore. My Dad has classic Autism; he is practically non-verbal outside of the home. He has basic understanding but not enough for me to have turned to him for comfort. I had no friends and no-one who could understand how I was feeling. So I wrote down what I needed to say. This was before I had any professional counselling, and before I started to keep a reflective journal. I just felt a need to write. I had forgotten all about this letter. Funny how you find things when you need to.

It’s what I like to call a God-incident.

A poem came to me at the end of this letter, I blogged this poem when I first started blogging.

I thought I would share it in the context it was written in, at the end of the letter where it is supposed to be.

The letter, My Trip to the Doctors.

Walking out of the Doctors I felt half an inch tall. I wanted my Mom; I felt 12 years old again. Within 10 minutes that woman had undermined every conversation practised in my head. Every piece of information I had gathered on Aspergers Syndrome became locked away, un-retrievable.

I was no longer the Lisa I had practised so hard to become; I was a school girl again. While she went on, I returned to my dreamland only this one was with my Mom. This Doctor would not be talking to me like this if my Mom was here. Yes it’s true my Mom would have stopped her dead in her tracks and put her right in her place. But I’m alone now and Mom isn’t here to protect me anymore. Since she died all I can do is keep hiding, no-one understands.

Well I hope that doctor is proud of herself. She bullied me right back to looking at the floor. I couldn’t look at her; I just kept my head down. I ended up biting my lips and rubbing my face. Just answering her with yes and no. My breathing changed and I just wanted to get out of there.

I hate the way people treat me like this. Did she not realise how hard it was for me to get into that room in the first place. I had rehearsed what I needed to say, I felt quite confident about it and then she ripped me apart. My only defence was inside myself, back inside my shell where I have spent my whole life. I should have taken someone with me, what was I thinking. Someone who could have spoken as soon as I clammed up. I have been different though since having my kids, I do speak up and defend them. But this was for me, not my kids, and I don’t defend myself. I act different when it’s for me.

Ok it’s all over now, as soon as I became hostile towards her she wanted me out and said she would refer me. I hate it when I get angry, why can’t people be nicer to me so I don’t feel so threatened.

But…I’m the one up at 3:15 in the morning, writing this out, trying to deal with my feelings. I feel so hurt, embarrassed, frustrated and angry. I bet she’s asleep in her bed, she probably doesn’t even remember my name. I should have refused to see her, I made an appointment with the nice doctor, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

My confidence left me as soon as I walked through the door and saw how she looked at me. She stripped away all the progress I had made in less than 10 minutes. It is so hard to be part of this world when most of the people here are like her. I prefer my bubble it is safe.

Alienation

by Lisa Lock

Inside this shell are two,

Who I am, and the one who speaks to you.

I’m so confident, intelligent inside,

But when I speak that person will hide.

˜ 

The frustration and anger is sealed,

When who I really am, is never revealed.

The humiliation and fear I keep,

It’s locked away inside so deep.

˜ 

I practise how to talk, what to say.

It all comes out wrong on the day.

I come crushing down like a ton of rubble,

I think I’ll stay safe here in my bubble.

˜ 

This planet all seems so wrong,

There must be another place where I belong.

I try to be like them………. but I’m not

Perhaps like E.T. I’m the one they forgot.

˜ 

so……..I’ll sit and reflect as the world goes by.

Breathe in and swallow yet another sigh.

There’s not a lot that I can do,

Because normal to me, is not being like you.

 

 

 

His Eye is on the Sparrow.

His Eye is on the Sparrow.

Hello all my lovely friends out there

in wonderful bloggyland.

{{{WAVES}}} :)  X

I am currently without any internet in my home. I am only able to blog from my Sisters and my Aunties. So if I disappear you know they have got fed-up of me…lol

Not really they love me totally; I just might be a bit of an inconvenience to them at times…hehe

Today I went out and got myself a new mobile, so at least I can read my emails and reply to my friends. I am finding this quite hard, as an aspie my main social life and biggest giggles comes from you guys, my lovely bloggy friends.

I have been having problems with my internet now for the last three days, but no-one seems to know what is wrong. We need to get an I.T. technician in to fix everything that’s going wrong.

*CAL is getting quite upset because she loves her games and YouTube channel. She loves making videos.

*AJ is finding it extremely hard to get his college work done, and misses speaking to his friends on msn.

Mr Locoman is missing his YouTube railway films.

And… I’m really missing my bloggy friends. Reading my friends blogs and seeing how you all are.

I took advantage of my Aunties flat today,

to use her computer to email my friend.

My Auntie is currently stopping with our elderly Auntie *Ethel, and I had her flat to myself.

She only lives a few miles from my home and I was driving past on my way home from Church.

It was very quiet and I had myself a nice cup of Tea. I had a good think about my blog and how it has helped me so much.

When I first started blogging I was in hiding.

I had gotten to a point of near breakdown and the world was just too much for me to handle. I only shared my Art and Poetry to start with. I didn’t really talk to anyone. A very special person came along and started to help me. She became my first friend and helped me to open up and start sharing a little of myself through my blog.

I have made lots of friends through my blog since and you are all very dear to me. Because of the encouragement from bloggyland I am learning to be me.

God certainly works in mysterious ways

Who’d have guessed that He would come and find me hiding in the internet…God is so good!

But…I guess He did send a big fishy to fetch Jonah….giggle… I’m, so strange. Where do these thoughts come from???

When my internet first started to play up I sent my lovely friend an email, from my sisters. My friend told me to reach out to God because He will pick me up.

I have been doing this, because I have felt very cut off and really quite alone. I didn’t realise how much we all used the internet it’s just something we do without thinking.

Anyway…..

I prayed about this obviously (in my childlike way) I asked God to switch it back on again, first of all.

“Had a little bit of an Aspie meltdown…or was it a tantrum Lisa?” Thank you little voice, I know. You don’t have to keep butting in. I will tell them.

Then I thought… well what can I learn from this???

Well… now I know!

I love my blog, and all my bloggy friends. I miss going onto YouTube and watching my videos, I can’t watch the TV it causes me to much negative and then it cycles.

I miss reading my friends blogs, seeing how you all are.

I miss my comments and replying to my comments.

I miss searching around on Google looking for cartoons to go with my posts.

I love that I can entertain myself doing this. I often can’t stop giggling while looking.

This morning I woke up and just wanted to sing to God.

I had had a dream, quite a strange dream actually where I was chatting with God.

God said to me, in this dream, that when I sing it comes straight from my heart and sounds beautiful to Him.

Then I said to God, “But I think my voice sounds awful God!”

Then He giggled and said…”By the time it comes to me it is perfect, so keep singing to me.”

So this morning I woke up all excited about singing to God.

I ran downstairs in my Jim-Jams, into the conservatory, grabbed my guitar and sang to Jesus.

I was looking out onto my garden, its autumn here and there are leaves everywhere.

Right outside my window a little girl Sparrow perched on the fence only 3 feet away from me.

She looked straight at me. I could see her little dark eyes. She kept tilting her little head from side to side listening to me sing.

Now I know birds do this, I once had an aviary full of Budgies and I kept Chickens for year. I also had a pet Parrot called Po-Po who I loved so much.

I can tell when a bird is listening.

AND….NO, I am not mad…I know what I saw….giggle.

I carried on singing and kept repeating the song thinking she would fly off soon, but she didn’t.

She just stayed there looking straight at me listening to every word I sang to God. Bless her little sweetness.

Eventually I stopped singing and put my guitar down.  I smiled at her and said, “Thank you,” and I nodded my head to her.

She hopped closer nodded back and flew off.

I just thought WOW….God sent a Sparrow to listen to me sing to Him.

Today I went back to my old Church

I left 18 months ago feeling very misunderstood and quite hurt. I told the people (I needed to tell) that I have Aspergers Syndrome.

I told them how the Church had not been the best environment at times for some of my ways.

I also told them that I love my Christian brothers and sisters all around the world, in fact I love all people, but I am an Aspie and that makes me a little different.

I explained that I will only be doing what I feel God wants me to do, and I will not be made to feel guilty for not always being able to cope with the environment of the Church.

I also said I know God made me this way, and I am just the way I am supposed to be.

I was welcomed back with open arms and they accepted what I said…for now anyway.

SO…..

My Aspie-happy is out again. This time it’s the real one, not the one behind a mask.

I went to Church dressed in my happy clothes, because I am a multi coloured Rainbow.

And

The negativity I carried in my heart for 18 months has been completely turned upside down.

Blogging is certainly helping me, and I thank all of you. XX :)

I really don’t like surprises!

I really don’t like surprises!

That might come as a surprise to some of you, most people love having surprises given to them, but not me. I bet also there are a few who feel very similar to the way I do. I can’t hide how I really feel, the truth always wants to come out, and I really don’t like to hurt anyone.

This week a relative of mine very kindly gave me a book. She had picked this up for me in a charity shop. She has been following my blog and thought this book would help me.

The book was a sort of Dictionary in reverse, it gave explanations to things you couldn’t remember the names of. It was a VERY big book with LOTS and LOTS of very SMALL words and NO pictures AT ALL.

My first thoughts when given this book were …

O.M.Goodness, I’m never going to use this!

Why on earth has she got this for me!

What a complete waste of money!

This is just going to bulk up my bookcase and collect dust!

Does she really not know me after 41 years!

Then I realised how I had been trained to act in these circumstances

A memory of my Mom played in my brain. I had a moment of confusion not being sure how to act.

The memory was this…

I was about 7 maybe 8 and Mom was explaining to me how to say nothing and just nod my head and smile. She told me that by saying what I really felt, even though it was the truth, I would hurt people’s feelings.

She gave me a rule, and that rule was treat people how you want to be treated.

So that was all it took to stop me speaking.

I don’t like hurting people and I know my thoughts are always truthful.

I can’t always find the words to make my truth sound nice so I don’t speak.

I can’t lie and I hate being lied to.

Back to the book…

I know this relative loves me completely, she tries so hard to understand me. She has her own problems and I know I can really confuse her sometimes. So I decided that enough was enough, the kindest and most loving thing for me to do was be honest, and not wear the mask I had been given for this situation.

I think I worded it quite well considering…

I can’t remember my exact words but I explained to her that Dictionaries are probably one of the hardest books for me to use. With my dyslexia I can’t sequence the alphabet and have to keep repeating it in my head. To use a dictionary I have to really, really want to know so badly what a word means. Then this triggers my Aspieness off, as I can become intense at searching for meanings.

Sometimes a little bit too intense….giggle

She was fine about it, she said,

“No problem Bab, I just saw it in a second hand shop and thought it might help you with your writing, it was only cheep.”

Well this got me thinking…..

Since I started blogging, I have only ever been myself, this is my place to be me. I feel safe here in bloggyland with my new friends. I have grow quite a lot in my understanding of myself. So now the me here in bloggyland is venturing out into the big bad world that has mashed me up thus far.

Children in Need

Yesterday all around the UK,

it was Pudsey day

Well that’s what we all call it now anyway. It is a TV charity presented on the BBC, to help and raise awareness of Children in Need. Every year people around the UK dress-up as massive Teddy bears and collect for this special day.

The children in our schools go in their own clothes and take their teddy bears, making a donation for Children who are in need. They have fun activities in the afternoon, even the staff dress up. The kids in the school I work in was so excitable yesterday and they all looked wonderful in their colourful clothes, carrying their Teddy bears around with them. It was just lovely.

When my *CAL got up yesterday…

She was so excited about Pudsey day. She followed her list and did everything she needed to do to be at school on time.

She came down stairs dressed like a Rainbow, with no colour co-ordination at all. I was so worried she would get teased, so I made her go and get changed.

I then watched the smile leave her eyes and the tears well up, she was no longer my happy little *CAL. I had made her conform, the very thing I am trying so hard to not do myself. As I try to remember who Lisa really was.

So we sat and chatted. She explained to me that lots of colours make her feel happy and Pudsey day is a happy day at school that raises money for children who are sad and hungry.

I explained to her that some children are not very kind and might tease her for not being like them and not dressing like them.

She said, “I don’t care Mom, I just want to wear my happy clothes.”

PIKACHU...I choose you!

So….I let her go as herself and she didn’t take a Teddy bear, she took a POKEMON.

Do you know what…

*CAL and Pikachu had a good Pudsey day!

She’s just a little bit intense and mildly eccentric just like her Mom.

It’s wonderful because that is who she is created to be.