Hello my friends out there in blogland.
You have read my poems….You imagined my voice….You may have even fantasized about my
“Posh English Accent.”
Sorry to disappoint you, I’m a Brummy. LMHO
by Lisa Lock
I wish I had the words to express, the emotions that I feel.
The hurt inside my thoughts so wide, all consuming and so real.
I wish I knew what was really true, as I ponder every second.
With pictures, process, words and touch, these confused connections send.
What ifs and dids, maybes and buts, video clips that drive me nuts.
And questions I just can’t keep in, obsessive demands of insecure nagging.
If you could visit inside my brain, you’d see the energy of me you drain.
Then you’d talk with me not gripe and smirk, you’d see how hard this makes me work.
So, please just open up your mouth, just let them words come dancing out.
I need to know what I need to do, or I get it all wrong and I can’t see through.
The muddled replays of confused devotion, wrapped up in a brain explosion.
Of imaginary or past signals, where I’ve conversed with many walls.
I beg you please just speak to me, help me see, or set me free.
What do you mean oh voice in my head? We made a decision to Just be me, well this is who we are ….so you can just shut up ok!
Ok. right what was I going to say? Yes that’s it.
My life at the moment is really confusing. I have just had a massive building job done on my home, well I say massive, it is massive for me and the mess it has created is even more massive. I find myself walking from one room to another, unable to find anything, and not really having a clue where to start with all the decorating, because every room has been affected by the build.
I got up really early this morning….errrr, yep it was still dark. Grabbed my favourite mug, poured myself a cup of tea, this English girl does love her tea! Then sat down to get some quiet time with God, as I felt it was He who woke me up.
I sat down and wrote out my prayer, I find this easier at first with the way my brain ticks. I then slipped into praise, then felt the sudden need to sing, ” YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE,” don’t ask me why I’m still puzzled by that one.
I thought “GREAT….it is the early hours of the morning, everyone’s asleep, it is a bank holiday Monday so everyone will want to sleep in, and I feel the sudden need to burst into spiritual song with my Lord and Saviour. To a song I don’t really know, and don’t even have in my collection.”
What do I do……?????
Right the music is sorted, now how do I sing. Well that was simple enough I couldn’t, not in this little house. I found the song that was in my head, enjoyed LeAnn Rimes version the most. It was originally sung by Debbie Boone, in 1977. I then went on one of my inspired mooches around other songs suggested.
I then came across “The Promise” which I felt really spoke to me.
So I posted the song hoping you lovely lot could sing it for me. Well I think it worked because I managed to lay all the flooring in my conservatory today and it won’t be long till I can move my computer out there, where I will be able to sing my little heart out, because it is double glazed and away from the rest of the house.
I just thought, I haven’t done RELIGIOUS! Oh yes that’s right I forgot, I don’t really do RELIGIOUS anymore….hehehe. Thank you little voice!
If you’re wondering what is the point of all this??? Then you’ve obviously missed it.
As my lovely Mom used to say, “Mind the gap! “
Or it could just be me babbling again!
I have no words, paintings, poetic rhyming or even rambling babble to share today.
But if you want you can sing along to this with me. I will share this.
If you don’t feel like singing at the moment, try it anyway. It amazes me how God connects through singing, praise and worship.
It won’t be long before you’re feeling different..
by Lisa Lock
A smirk to me is a smile, that I replay a thousand times.
Confused by what I understand, from crazy mixed up signs.
Drowning in my own emotions, reflecting all things through.
Thinking that the way that I think, is the way that others do.
But now I know that I am wrong, theirs is a much more simple song.
With unmingled lyrics the beat is fast, no recorded conversations past.
No rehearsed quote to stay afloat, their language is more free.
I just pray and hope one day, they accept me for being me.
Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.
It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.
Take silence and respect it.
If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.
You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.
If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.
I would so love to be able to share a video of him singing and playing his guitar, but apart from singing in his room with his bedroom door firmly shut and to his girlfriend, (*A ) through msn video link. There is little hope of that happening at the moment.
Please help, I haven’t got a clue how to help him with this. He has such a gentle spirit. He is so talented but lacks the confidence he needs to just be himself…. His lovely girlfriend *A, asked him to learn this song and I see how much it means to him to get it perfect. He is so loving.
I just don’t want him to hide his talents away because of ignorant and jealous idiots, and there are quite a few around, as we know.
I am sat crying about this….and I am still unsure about posting this on my blog, but I am asking…..
Please could my friends out in blogland pray about this. Thank you. x
This week my lovely son *AJ got his GCSE results, he passed all of them with very high grades. I’m not going to brag….but he done REALLY well. I had secretly ordered him a second hand Italian/acoustic guitar, as a well done gift, which I was to collect today after midday.
After my emotional prayer time and journal writing, I then drove my car to the little town/village shop, a 15 minutes drive away from my home, while *AJ was at his mixed martial arts class.
When I entered the shop Mr-Music-Man, smiled at me and said. “I have something I want to do for your son!”
Mr-Music-Man likes *AJ, he is always trying to get him to play the guitars on display in his shop. He always comes out from behind his little counter to encourage him to get the guitars off their stands, as he knows *AJ would never touch them without asking.
Mr-Music-Man then explained that the other guy who had put a deposit on the second hand Italian/Acoustic, two months earlier. Had actual turned up, kicked up a fuss in the shop on Friday afternoon, when Mr-Music-Man wasn’t there, and his lad had sold the guitar that I had come to collect. I felt so disappointed at this point because *AJ had picked this guitar out, knowing it was in my price range, thinking he might get it for his Birthday.
Mr Music-Man then said, “I don’t get to meet many young men as nice as your boy, and I feel really bad about what’s happened, after I had phoned you up on Thursday. I think your son is a lovely lad and I saw him looking at the Stagg Electric/Acoustic. I want to sell you this at cost, I know he is going to do well with this.”
Yes…. you guessed right, I jumped into the air and very nearly started clapping….lol
Then very quickly calmed it down to a more grown-up……”WOW, God is so good!”
Still rather loud though, I then noticed the five other people actually smile at the nutter in the shop…..funny.
But I’m just going to have to say it again…..
by Lisa Lock
I can giggle my way through the day
Controlling the way my brain thinks
But, it seems that God has decided
That it’s time to start making some links
It seems there has been some confusion
Between those who live in my home
And because we all live in our own minds
We spend our time obsessing alone
This sounds really bad as I write it
But, we all love each other to bits
We try in our own ways to change things
And then end up just calling it quits
With four on the Spectrum quite nicely
Two Dogs, eight Cats and a Snake
We all get EX-TREEEEEM-ELY busy
And the connections we don’t seem to make
But it seems we’ve been doing it backwards
Not seeing past the end of our nose
We are all quite happily existing
But existing is as far as it goes
So…it’s time to start thinking quite different
To the way we have done up till now
And I’ll be the first one to own up
Yes…I have been a right selfish cow
God gave me His blessings abundant
And with patience He has waited to see
How my aspie brain would consider
And apply this, to His other three
So, I’m stepping out and being the example
I am going to pray He will help
Because if I lead they might even follow
God has led me to being more myself
I have hardened myself on this planet
Because of the hurt I’ve received
But I’m going to have faith, hope and courage
Because in God’s Love I know I believe
I’m just sitting here thinking of a cartoon caption published by a fellow-blogger.
You can see the caption by following the link. Basically this post shows how children are so happy, content and confident, Just being themselves.
So, exactly what does this mean, when you are no-longer a child and lifes road has dealt out a few bumps….???
Well to me, I know what just being me is….but, I also know that by just being me, I have to go through a series of pain, confusion, thought processes, more confusion, anxiety, sleepless nights and eventually just pretending on a daily basis.
This is not really what I enjoy and I would like so much to just be accepted, for just being myself. Unfortunately, this world seems to be full of people, who seem to get their kicks by hurting those who are not like themselves.
Today…..I am NOT going to dwell on it. It doesn’t really help my creative flow,(yes that is correct, I am artistic.) It also puts a depressive twist into my poetry.
“Emmm….Artistic-Poet, now I sound really interesting!!!” I say to myself while…LMHO
The world outside of blogland and my four walls, really doesn’t know this side of the glass. Shame really because this fidget is actually quite cool. It’s just taken me a long time to realise it.
So, my further thoughts are…. as an aspie surrounded with a family of ASD’s, not really understanding how NT’s think…AT ALL! How do I help my kids to be confident in just being themselves?
Also, as my hubby *Mr Locoman….yes, he loves trains…and I’m not saying anything????
Doesn’t seem to understand that ASD’s are quite obvious in our kids, you guessed right he is a Cyberman… And, I wouldn’t change that for the world, there is no way he would cope with me otherwise. “God, so sorts these things out you know!” I say in my posh English voice…haha
So, does this mean that I am going to have to figure this out, on my own, when I can’t even see what I do that is aspie, half the time. Also I am dyslexic, so books are pretty much useless, I have learnt more in blogland over the last 3 months than from any book I have ever read. Probably because the only books I have forced myself to read have been linked to obsessions I have had over the years.
BUT…..I have read all of the Harry Potter books and the Bible a few times…giggle, giggle.
Yes, I just realised that I have absolutely no point at all to this blog. I’m just babbling as usual, only this time it’s not in my head. Now aren’t you glad that I usually only publish my poems. wink, wink.
ACTUALLY! I would like to say one thing…..“THANK YOU!” to a very special person, my friend Fi. Who by accepting me with all my quirks has helped me to say, “Just being me!” and smile at that thought. xxxx
by Lisa Lock
Why does this world mess around in my head, can’t it let me be happy
Is it jealous…when I have a friend, doesn’t it like seeing me chatty.
It has had me for ages, alone to itself, it’s heard me cry out with my mental health
But now I have someone who accepts I’m an aspie
This world slaps my face and makes me feel nasty
I’m sorry, I can’t be who you want me to be
I’ve tried for so long to contain the real me
If you love me then let me be how God intended
I do not feel broken, I don’t need to be mended
I do not suffer from being an aspie
I suffer from people, that try to control me
I get really hurt when your rules keep changing
When plans I have made you keep re-arranging
My brain can’t keep up and I get all confused
I feel broken hearted, rejected and used
I process all input and filter out fact
Then try to explain it…..remembering tact
But…the words all get lost, and I get thrown off track
I muddle around trying to think my way back
But you’ve finished my sentence, and it’s not what I meant
It’s too late…..I stopped…..and that signal I sent
So, I wait for a time when I might be heard
But….. the thoughts I am thinking, to you seem absurd
Because, I have decided to be who God made
I have thought long and hard, I’ve questioned and prayed
The answer is simple…..”ACCEPT WHO I AM!”
If you can’t love this aspie, then I don’t give a damn.